sha ka khan!!!!

first class---DOWN! i deliberately went to campus early to try and print off the handouts and lo-and-behold, my ID card wouldn't let me into the library! WTF?!?! seriously now. my ID let me into the office for my grad program but *not* the library???!?! grrrrr....

and i'd go visit IT, except that, my school's campus doesn't have a single map/directory in sight. you can find one online but guess what??? my shiny new netbook could connect to the internet because i don't know my ID and password.

why? because my ID is my student ID # which, for some bizarro reason, isn't on my student ID card? huh? really?!?! and....where *IS* my student ID #???in an email, which i can't access. fucknuggets!!!

but, on the POSITIVE side (because i promised aunt p it wouldn't all be depressing)- i rocked the shit out of my language class. okay, so not REALLY but...i didn't feel totally lost and...i even knew/remember some things that the other 2 girls didn't so i felt pretty good about that. while i'm not totally confident about where my skills are currently at, i feel alright going forward....:::sigh:::

and that's a good feeling....

i should be doing "homework".

tomorrow's it: "G-DAY". the day i officially start graduate school. i honestly don't know if i will be able to sleep tonight. i am supposed to go to a class where, when looking over the review sheet my only reaction was: WTF!?!?! i suppose that's what i get for auditing this language in undergrad, never "officially" studying it, but having a brain capable enough to (6 years later) test into the more advanced group. yikes! everyone i know says it will be fine once i'm actually in class. that it will force me to push myself, learn it quickly and be challenged--which is how i learn best. but the doubt monster in my mind keeps chanting: you will fail. you will fail. you will fail. thanks, doubt monster.

and for wednesday, which is my NON-language class, i am supposed to have 4 chapters of 2 separate books read. i managed to read one in each yesterday and today am not feeling motivated to open either of them up. particularly the one that is the poorly organized, non-time-linear, history book. the other is fascinating, but miles away at my apartment.

i have amazing, intelligent, thoughtful friends...

i know i have this listed under blogs i follow, but i would like to draw special attention to this post by my amazing friend E on self-image and body-identity issues.

as always, her verbosity astounds me, especially since this is actually an issue that even i struggle with. i have never found my body attractive/appealing to myself. yes, i have outside validation of my looks, but the internal outlook has never been positive.

it's not that i find myselfunattractive i just don't find myself particularly ANYTHING "positive": pretty/cute/beautiful/sexy/what-have you.

for me, it has always been a struggle with ME- inwardly- i try so hard not to compare myself to cultural standards of beauty. i don't particularly care what's "in": current fashion, hairstyles, makeup, shaving, etc. and yet, i don't find anything appealing about myself and wonder if it's a greater part of cultural ideal after all.

bleck.

it's getting hot in here...

today was (to borrow a term i rather dislike) hella hot. guzzling-down-water, browsing-through-air-conditioned-stores, stopping-for-ice-cream kind of hot. now, logically i know from living here the past 2 years it gets hot from the end of august until mid-october. but his was different. this was soupy, mid-west heat. the kind i grew up with.

the weather, combined with the fact that i just finished "planet earth" through netflix, has me itchy crazy about the fact that there are seriously people out there who don't believe in global warming! c'mon people! and don't give me that: but we've had one of the coolest/coldest summers yet... global warming doesn't JUST make everything hot- no no. it messes with regular weather patterns. it brings hurricanes and typhoons. and droughts. and cold spells when it should be hot. and heat waves when it should be cool.

i think the most blatant evidence of this can be found when looking at the polar ice caps. bear with me folks. here's an image of the polar ice caps from today's date 1979 and here's the exact same location august 27, 2009 (thanks to the university of illinois- cryosphere today). notice the 5 of polar ice concentration- how thick it is, how far it spans.

staggering, isn't it???

short-changed chump??

when preparing to go back to school, one needs to make MANY purchases. some more astronomical than others (language textbook- i'm talkin' about you) . in order to do that, one needs finances. when said person is totally dependant on the state for income--it bites.

today i got my unemployment check and for some reason it was only ONE WEEK'S worth of "pay". with no explanation as to why. did i not fill out my paper work properly? did it arrive too late? did i accidentally go "outside the box" when marking my required paper work and thereby lost half my needed money??? who do i report this to? can i report it? can i get that money? the list of questions goes on and on.

i feel like a chump, because i swore i filled everything out, double-checking for no errors because this IS my income. and it's not a whole lot. with rent coming up and an accidental overdue bill, plus textbooks and [probably should purchase a netbook] other expenses, one tiny fuck up can mean the difference between getting by or not.

i just hope that next time, it won't do this. i'll let my spousal unit double check- make sure i'm not losing it.

let's start at the very beginning...

a very good place to start.

after 6 years of "life experience" i head back to obtain my M.A. starting this monday. already i have had 2 MAJOR panic attacks, multiple minor ones, migraines and night-uopn-night of restless sleep.

the MAJOR attacks were brought on by things outside of my control: class changing it's start date (twice), and a ginormous brouhaha over my language placement and would i (or wouldn't i) have a professor. awesome.

minor attacks brought on by: price of textbooks, price of 'accessories' (pens, pencils, highlighters, file folders, etc.), pricing a netbook for class use, realizing i'm going to have to buy a new printer, being put in a language class *quite* above my ability, having textbooks arrive later than i needed, trying to get books read, trying to catch up in my language and...OH YEAH...class doesn't start until monday.

plus, there is the added stresses of: not having a job (since april- thanks a lot economy), not getting enough financial aid because last year i HAD a job that made decent-ish money, not finding any outside scholarships, not being able to find a new job because none of the ones available make enough money (due to being a student first, i will be returning to work PART time, and part time jobs pay crap.) and the 10 or so interviews i've had since april have not panned out, due to my going back to school. woot.

oh yeah- and- to top it all off my gas/electric bill claims i never paid for july, but i have the carbon check copy that's from that month! WTF?!?! how do i begin to contest that?

ACK!!!!!!

i need rosetta stone mechanically embedded in my brain.