are we really still THIS shallow?

rarely do i take the time to muse on things that anger me. i mean, REALLY rile me up. {unless, of course, i am directly affected by something} however, seeing as i am in a liminal space- transitioning from one thing to the next- i came across an article today that really pissed me off.

how is this still considered okay?!?! <---- in this op ed./"real life" piece in jezebel, i was absolutely flored by the number of women who are pressured {either verbally outright or subliminally peer-pressured} to change their appearance to conform to some standard of beauty. while some consider it a type of "dress up", the stories of women who have lost their jobs for not wearing makeup or having the "right" outfit or doing their hair the "right way" {or having it too short!?!?!} is absolutely mind blowing!!!

it is one thing when a uniform is part of a job. or terms of employment are in place in some form of dress code {no visible tattoos, no unnatural hair colorurs, etc., which i personally think is bullshit}, but it is completely different to expect ANYONE to dress/look/act a certain way in order to keep their job, or to grow in their given field. as long as nothing impedes a person from doing a good job, why the fuck should it matter whether or not they wear makeup or color their hair or have "unusual" piercings or wear retro clothing or whatever.

it makes me lose hope that i will ever find something more than an hourly-wage job because i am completely unwilling to conform, to change who i am for someone else.

accumulation {and letting go}

in this whole moving process, nothing so far has been more satisfactory than going through large boxes of crap and determining what stays, what goes, and what gets donated.  it amazes me how much stuff just accumulates--especially unimportant stuff. also, the therapeutic power of dumping papers and books and odds/ends which have a negative history feels so liberating! being able to ask honestly: "do i really need this?" and being able to say "no" is quite nice too.

now, if only there was a quick and relatively painless/time non-intensive way to make some cash for items that are actually worth something...i may just have to bite the bullet and list a few things on craigslist.

things that currently terrify me

i debated whether or not i was going to make this entry. not only because it has been so long since my last update that i fear no one will even read this, but also because i feel it is testing the limits of my own boundaries of public vs. private life.

suffice it to say, it has come to a point where, i have no other outlet in which i can turn to for "help": my parents never quite "get it", my spouse has many of the same fears/terrors as i do and already bears so much for me, my circle of friends/acquaintances, i fear, see me as a pessimistic naysayer---and i don't feel i can share this/ talk about all this with anyone directly. this is NOT to gain sympathy or pity. it is to get my anger/rage/frustration out at a situation which feels insurmountable. so here i go.

warning: below page break exists all the shit i'm dealing with. if you really don't want to know what is going on, it's cool, just don't read on. if you *DO*, consider this fair warning.

things are a foot!

i won't go into much detail here- in part because this is my public forum and in part because i don't want to inadvertantly jinx things- but there are...stirrings. things are moving in a direction that is (hopefully) positive and fulfilling. slowly moving but moving none-the-less. i hope they will be coming to fruition by T's birthday (early october).

for more details keep checking in, or, if you have access to my private blog, go there for more info!

an open letter to the state of XX

look, i know there isn't much money right now for anyone or anything. in fact, you seem to be in a bit of a pickle yourself: closing state parks, entire cities filing for bankruptcy, public schools being shut down....


seriously though, all i want to know is how you figure the monetary amount for supplementary nutritional assistance. how is it that 2 adults with a *COMBINED* income of just over $800/month (who pay almost $900/month for rent), only qualify for half the "full amount" of aid???!!! (about $275 is the full amount btw)


i get the system is broken, and believe me, i would love to move out of this stupid state but shocker shocker, we simply can't afford too!!!


gee thanks, state of XX, for making our lives miserable.

things are manifesting {cross-posted from my "less public" blog}

which means, of course, i haven't been writing. but i will be soon. honest. in the meantime, BRIEF bringing y'all up to speed:

- job is going well.
- i'm using my health care and taking care of myself bit by bit
- seeing a rad-tacular somatic therapist
- yoga work-trade is amazing
- possibility of a new living space/place is at 95% (just need to figure out the logistics)

day by day my friends, day by day.

525,600 minutes...{how do you measure, measure a year?}

this weekend marks exactly ONE YEAR since i "graduated" and it has left me thinking about everything that has (and hasn't) happened since that pivotal day. so i thought, to bring my readers up to speed--since it has been a long while since i updated-- to do it by numbers.

1--> the approximate number of weeks after my graduation ceremony before my spousal unit *SHATTERED* his left leg/knee/tibial plateau.
5+--> days in the hospital after the first surgery
3--> days in the hospital after the second surgery
3--> surgeries in total
4+--> months in which the spousal unit was completely bed-ridden
11 and counting--> months of recovery until gaining "full use" of his leg again
2--> times he had his health insurance taken away from him by his employer because he wasn't "earning it" (um....broke his leg DUH)
4--> different jobs i've had since graduation
1-->awesome, yet sadly temporary, internship
4+--> months where i was unemployed, thanks to the aforementioned employer who took spousal unit's insurance away
2--> months i had to battle them to collect EDD benefits
6-->months on SNAP (food stamps)
20+--> resumes/cover letters sent out for jobs/positions that were more than entry level
50+--> other jobs applied for
4--> "thanks for applying but we'll pass" letters received in total from all jobs/positions tried for
1--> amazing child that i nanny-share for once a week
3--> interviews (2 for retail positions, 1 for a "real grown up" job)
1-->job finally found!
7--> years of marriage celebrated, despite all the past year's hardships!!!!

and many, many, many other things....