gender performance and the quest for self identity

the majority of my readings this week are on cultural gender identity. it's been kicking my brain's (non-existent) ass in so many ways: from acquainting myself to new perspectives to re-evaluating my own perceptions. one of the areas i find myself struggling with the most is sense of identity and gender performance.

in addition to the assigned texts, i also have gone back to some of my own books (of which i have quite an array) on gender/feminism/identity: "misogyny: the world's oldest prejudice"--which didn't have as much as i was hoping it would; and "polite lies: on being a woman caught between cultures"--which had a LOT more than i remembered...

the author, kyoko mori, writes about her experiences being a japanese woman who lives now permanently in the US mid-west. not-so-oddly much of what she writes resonates with my life experiences, but in particular, i would like to offer up one passage in particular, since it is what i have been wrestling the most with in my own life:

Personal appearance causes anxiety and insecurity because those of us who are not beautiful consider our clothes, makeup or hairstyle to be expressions or symbols of who we are, and yet our choices are burdened by cultural, societal, and sexist expectations. Personal appearance is the four-way intersection where our personal symbolism clashes with the symbolism of the culture in which we must live. For some of us, it's a head on collision, a big highway catastrophe.

those are the kind of days i have been having- second guessing/ judging myself because i find myself surround by cultural expectations of "what i should be" and then find myself embarrassed/ashamed that i'm not meeting those "standards."

the "dreaded" midterms....

so i am fairly positive i bombed my language midterm. she DID give us a blank copy to take home that- if we return it *PERFECT* we will get 10 extra points. however, if there is even one mistake (and that includes commas, one mispelling, etc.) we get BIG FAT ZERO extra points. don't think i'll be wasting my time on it. i do think, however, i will eventually have to be contesting the grade she gives me. ::sigh:: i understand life is full of challenges, but this class has a stacked deck!!!

as for my survey level class, things are going well. we had a mid-term "check in"/office appointment with our professor. he had good things to say and advice for the remaining weeks. that's always nice, right? oh- and a possible opportunity for work study next semester...woot???

week of DOOM

i wish i were a stronger person. that i could persevere in the face of difficult challenges and thrive in such an environment. that i could juggle multiple daunting tasks without feeling like an emotional train-wreck-meets-zombie.

this coming week i have a mid-term for my language class with very little idea of what i need to prepare. i was given a list of verb patterns i should know, but no idea beyond that. her quizzes have been near impossible--because instead of making them straightforward, she combines multiple elements per question. which is all fine and good for homework or in class, but on a quiz CHECK TO SEE IF YOUR STUDENTS GET THE BASICS!!!!! then move on to more challenging things.

on my last quiz, i got a 37.5/50 points, which doesn't seem to poor until you do the math:75%. i am working my ass off in this class but am at a disadvantage. if i was tested on the basics, i would *ace* it. and i need to keep a "good grade" in this class, because if you dip below a "B", you go on academic probation!

and in my other class, as fate would have it, my group has to present again. yippee! just what i needed-- the stress of reading a 400 page book, 5 30-page supplemental readings, write a 7-10 page paper and present it--ON TOP OF preparing my ass off for this midterm!!! and the "best part"-the other 2 girls in my language class don't have their group presentation this week so they can focus all their energy on the exam- while my attention is divided.

MOST AWESOME.

anyone want to knock me out so i have a reason to postpone my inevitable doom???

10 words i think are pretty

(for my dear friend and her epic battle with spideroids of DOOM)

1. juxtaposition

2. cacophonous

3. melancholy

4. betwixt

5. archaeopteryx

6. grace

7. melodious

8. odoriferous

9. dystopian

10. tanoshikatta (it was enjoyable/ i enjoyed it)

brain full. need second brain.

didn't think it was possible for a brain to "get full"--but i am at the point where, i'm not sure if i can cram much more in! i can barely remember week from week what we discussed in class, and if you wanted to ask me about the readings from over 3 weeks ago--forget it!!!

when the next 2 years are over, it will be a miracle if i could give you the gist of this class i'm currently in! i know master's programs are a step towards becoming more "specialized" in a given field of study...but if you can't remember it, how is that being specialized???

a brief entry

why oh why is there no printing services on THIS part of campus?!?!?!?!

this section of campus is on top of a huge ass hill with approx. 100 steep stairs to climb to get to the building. down those steps and one block over is the "main" part of campus where ITS resides. and the library. and the massive "study room"---**ALL** which have printers readily available. so, if i wanted to print something out (like i do) i have to pack up all my heavy shit, lug it down 100 steps, walk over to ITS, print, walk back, lug my shit UP 100 steps.....UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just don't get it....

why so non-user friendly?

food, glorious food!

i MEGAheart farmer's markets! they are a grad student's dream- well, at least this ones. where else can you stock up on amazingly fresh fruits, veggies, occasionally eggs, cheese and other asundry-ed items? and the best part? at student friendly, doesn't burn a hole in your pocket prices!!!

three cheers for market day!

here is a total list of my bounty this week: (*=organic)
- medium head of broccoli*
- medium head of cauliflower*
- large bundle of baby bok choy (pesticide-free)
- 4 sweet peppers of various colors*
- a bittermelon (pestitcide-free)
- 1/4 pound fresh shittake mushroom*
- 4 "dapple dandy" pluots*
- 4 persimmons*
- 2 "chojiro" asian pears* (they taste like butterscotch)
- 2 "shinseki" asian pears* (crispy and apple-like)
- 2 heads of garlic*
- 2 small eggplant*
- bundle of "tokyo" turnips*
- spicy cheese curds* (free-range, grass-fed happy cows!)
- 1/2 gallon of gravenstein apple cider*

and the grand total for this veritable feast?? $38.00!!!!!!

yay!