place an "x" on the life-line

an acquaintance of mine urged me to do the following exercise, as i have been struggling with what-to-do-once-i-graduate. i was told to make 2 lists of at least 5 options: "jobs i would enjoy domestically" (and was told to disregard any reality issues) and "jobs i would enjoy internationally". i was told not to do any "rational editing" or self-criticism.

remarkably, there are quite a few similarities. so here they are. (feel free to make suggestions of things i've missed that i'd be good at.)

domestic jobs
- teach: either at the university level, or in a non-traditional classroom setting (i.e. a school for the arts, an immersion school, a alternative school, etc.)
-work for Dark Horse Comics--don't care in what capacity per se
- a non-profit job: girl's inc, SPICE, women's global fund, etc.
- actor in a sci-fi/fantasy TV series
- fashion importer: specifically asian and 'street fashion'
- own/run a cafe
- fiction writier

jobs abroad
- teach (yet again): in International schools, english in a foreign country, JET, etc.
- travel writer, because i've never had a helpful travel guide
- run/own a cafe (again)
- something with street fashion/ magazines
- be the token foreigner on a TV show
- WOOF- world organization of organic farms, at least, i'm fairly certain that's what it stands for

any suggestions???

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the universe is sending me messages (perhaps)

a week from this wednesday, i must give a ten minute presentation on my final paper. the final paper for which i am now on my FOURTH topic. not because i'm indecisive...no no. because, apparently, the universe is trying to tell me that i'm doomed/cursed/meant(?) to be a professional academic!!!

i have gone through 4 topics because: the first topic (kannon vs kwan yin) was waaaaay too extensive for a 20 page paper. the second topic (shinto myth--specifically kitsune-- as perpetuater of japanese mysogyny) NO ONE had written on. the 3rd topic (generic shinto influence on japanese feminism) *still* had nothing written on it. really. and now, i'm *TRYING* to write on (what i mistakenly assumed would have a wealth of information) how the influx of confucian ideology resulted in the removal of women from acting in traditional japanese theatre AND the repercussions there of, with a bit of gender construction thrown in for good measure.

nothing. nada. zip. plenty on onnagata (female-performing men) and kabuki. yes, kabuki is a traditional theatre form BUT it developed at after the confucian ideals were in place. plenty on Noh--the form that existed pre-confucian influence, but women, if mentioned, are a side note (which, is my point, but doesn't aid in research). plenty on women in theatre AFTER the meiji restoration-but only in western or western influenced productions (again, proof by omission, of sorts).

ARGH! damn damn and double damn!!!

forgetabily forgoing food (and other quandries)

anyone who knew me during my undergraduate reign, knows i am AWFUL at taking care of myself--particularly in the food department. i enjoy cooking (for the most part) but *hate* eating leftovers. and have never been good at making meals for one. sure there's the "sandwich concept" but i prefer hot food to cold. so, i ate a LOT of ramen, microwavable meals, mac and cheese, boca burgers, pickles, cereal, dried fruit, etc.

now that i KNOW better, i have an even harder time of making sure i am fed. and well-fed. and balanced food at that. oh yeah, and local and organic. :::sigh::: i have tons of amazing farmer's market finds in my fridge, but do i really want to take the time/effort to make something and then deal with the mess???? NOOOOoooo. so do i end up buying lunch on the run and crap at the cafeteria during my class break? yep.

i know it sounds petulant and spoiled of me, but i really need someone to make me eat well. if that includes making it for me, well, so be it. if i had the money, a personal chef would be great!!!

in other news---i have yet to even OPEN the pdf file of the assigned reading for tonight's class. i guess it is hard to give a shit when (on the syllabus) there were 3 additional readings listed, but only one managed to make it to blackboard. and i really feel like i need a night off. hell, a month off would be great.

sometimes i truly wonder if going back to school was such a great idea after all. it's thrown everything else out of whack AND, at least this semester, i have little to no motivation to do anything. and am spending over $10,000 to not give a shit. ARGH.

money woes

went to the bank today to deposit LAST week's paychecks. it's not always easy to get to the bank with my odd work schedule but after a week, i start to get (ahem) paranoid if i don't get checks deposited. i worry about the state of my account, obviously, and wonder about just how`much i've been spending.

the last time i made a deposit was on 3/24. today (4/10), the difference was over a thousand dollars. LESS. granted rent and bills have happened since then. but it was one of those moments where it was so painfully obvious that the amount of money coming in is less than what is going out. by a significant number. and my hours at work will never be more than 25 hours a week. and i have to figure out how the summer session of school will be financed!!!!

I HATE THIS FEELING!!!

all my ducks in a row---almost.

spending the morning finishing up for tonight's discussion/facilitation. managed to pull together a basic, but interesting power point. i know i didn't *have* to, but i am a visual and kinetic learner. i like pretty shiny objects to look at. so sue me.

now i just have to put together basic notes about what i'm going to say--which, to me, feels ridiculous. i mean, i was a theatre major in undergrad!!! i did 3 years of improv (during those years) and plenty more prior. if there's one thing i know how to do well, it's entertain/speak. and yet, i am afraid of sounding dumb or rambling to much or getting off the subject.

UGH. when in my life did i suddenly get so concerned (or fiercely competitive- you decide) about sounding put together and/or academic??? if this is the kind of grief i give myself for a simple class discussion, why am i even considering the idea of eventually pursuing my doctorate????????

leading the way???

this week, i am one of 3 (in total) students helping lead/facilitate discussion in class. no big sweat, right? i like to talk, right? i have decent insights, sometimes, right?

this shouldn't be a huge deal.

but, of course, i over-think things. the book itself is incredibly dense. it's of the academic caliber that the graduate level *should* be at. and i absolutely loved reading it. helps that i got to sign up for the week i want to facilitate. but there's SOOOOoooo much i want to get into. that i want to be able to fully digest and explore and am excited about!!!

did i mention the power point???? in all fairness, it isn't required, but to date, only 3 of my classmates who've lead discussion have not used it. and everyone's p.p. (power point, you potty minds!!!) is way beyond what my menial skills can throw together. custom backgrounds, fancy charts, video clips....sigh. what's an old-fashioned, academic supposed to do????

oh, and did i mention that, 99% of those "facilitating" were really just summarizing the readings? which is fine. it helps a lot to have things re-visited, especially for 'staying power' purposes. but now i feel compelled to give one of those fancy-pants, techno-riffic presentations instead of a thoughtful discussion with a few sllides with various quotes and images.

:::::::sigh::::::::::