i survived the semester! i wrote the paper. i even turned it in on time. and, i am fairly certain i did well. while the main lecture class wasn't nearly as comprehensive as i would have liked, i suppose that just points that i'm more interested in the topics than i would previously have cared to admit. right?
perhaps i will post my paper here, but it's very long. maybe in stages???
now, i have a summer ahead of me to read, relax and enjoy hanging out with classmates outside of the academic sphere. lovely.
on a completely random note, i get comments sometimes from people i don't know. that's fine. what *ISN'T* cool, is that they usually include links to g_d-only-knows-where. i'm working on a way to edit them out/ catch them ahead of time, but since i don't update as frequently as i'd like, i set the comment moderator to not publish anything after 2 days unless i approve. still, some creep through. :::sigh:::
any advice on how to catch this without having to constantly moniter comments, and go in and delete them???
until next time....
30 May 2010
18 May 2010
massive amounts of expletives
i would type the word FUCK a hundred, thousand, million times if i thought it would help me write this damn paper. alas, even that many expletives would not get it accomplished. shit fuck damn ass twat cunt.
10 May 2010
grateful for mom...
...even when she makes me wanted to tear my hair out.
i have been battling a GIANT case of the blues. or apathy. or malaise. not quite sure. so even though i talked to her yesterday, i called up my mom. less because of the whole moms-give-great-encouragement-thing and more of the she just finished grad. school herself a year ago thing.
i know by now i should be writing my paper. i've done the research, i've made the outline and i even *successfully* presented on it! (yea me!) but it's the actual doing it that i'm now struggling with. originally i told myself that i would begin today--> start with something easy. straightforward. like, the bibliography. you know, no real thought required. and yet...
here it is, quarter after six p.m. and my emotional state has been crashed with a giant wrecking ball. i have no drive. no desire. even though i know tomorrow i will have no time, and wednesday is class and thursday i have a doctor's appointment and friday-next tuesday i work...and the busy cycle begins again. i STILL can't make myself sit down and f*cking do the easy part.
so i called mom. and vented. for an hour and a half. about school and work and not having enough money and worrying if i'm doing the right thing by being in school and what am i going to do with this degree anyways and crap! it's 5:30 and i've only eaten a croissant today and why do i feel like i'm stuck in molasses and why don't i have any direction or drive and how come i can't sleep through the night even once on and on and on...
and she listens. to all my worrying. and tells me to eat. even if it's crap or just a bowl of cereal. and she makes me want to cry because she makes it sound so easy, like, why can't i just buck up and take care of myself and my own damned problems? and i resolve to do something...even if it's just look through my research and organize it...but then i get off the phone and am sooooooo wiped. drained. and all i can do is write about what i just went through and manage, yet again, to put off the inevitable.
WHY CAN'T I PULL MY ACT TOGETHER?!?!
why do i even bother?
i have been battling a GIANT case of the blues. or apathy. or malaise. not quite sure. so even though i talked to her yesterday, i called up my mom. less because of the whole moms-give-great-encouragement-thing and more of the she just finished grad. school herself a year ago thing.
i know by now i should be writing my paper. i've done the research, i've made the outline and i even *successfully* presented on it! (yea me!) but it's the actual doing it that i'm now struggling with. originally i told myself that i would begin today--> start with something easy. straightforward. like, the bibliography. you know, no real thought required. and yet...
here it is, quarter after six p.m. and my emotional state has been crashed with a giant wrecking ball. i have no drive. no desire. even though i know tomorrow i will have no time, and wednesday is class and thursday i have a doctor's appointment and friday-next tuesday i work...and the busy cycle begins again. i STILL can't make myself sit down and f*cking do the easy part.
so i called mom. and vented. for an hour and a half. about school and work and not having enough money and worrying if i'm doing the right thing by being in school and what am i going to do with this degree anyways and crap! it's 5:30 and i've only eaten a croissant today and why do i feel like i'm stuck in molasses and why don't i have any direction or drive and how come i can't sleep through the night even once on and on and on...
and she listens. to all my worrying. and tells me to eat. even if it's crap or just a bowl of cereal. and she makes me want to cry because she makes it sound so easy, like, why can't i just buck up and take care of myself and my own damned problems? and i resolve to do something...even if it's just look through my research and organize it...but then i get off the phone and am sooooooo wiped. drained. and all i can do is write about what i just went through and manage, yet again, to put off the inevitable.
WHY CAN'T I PULL MY ACT TOGETHER?!?!
why do i even bother?
05 May 2010
the end is sight ---> almost.
breathe.
just breathe.
tonight, i give my presentation on my final research paper. it's worth something ridiculous, like 20-25% of my grade. for a ten minute presentation.
i'm nervous.
why is it i always clam up in front of my peers, when (originally) i wanted to be an actor? and loved the stage???
is it because i feel under closer scrutiny? am i trying to hard to "prove" myself? and if so, to whom? to myself? my family? the universe?
sometimes i feel i would have been better off leaving well enough alone and pursuing acting. or just staying put with a bachelor's degree. razzle-frazzle-dazzle!!!!!! i just need to keep a calm head about this. it's nothing. i'm going to talk for 10 measly minutes about something i've been researching the hell out of. i'll be fine.
just breathe.
breathe.
just breathe.
tonight, i give my presentation on my final research paper. it's worth something ridiculous, like 20-25% of my grade. for a ten minute presentation.
i'm nervous.
why is it i always clam up in front of my peers, when (originally) i wanted to be an actor? and loved the stage???
is it because i feel under closer scrutiny? am i trying to hard to "prove" myself? and if so, to whom? to myself? my family? the universe?
sometimes i feel i would have been better off leaving well enough alone and pursuing acting. or just staying put with a bachelor's degree. razzle-frazzle-dazzle!!!!!! i just need to keep a calm head about this. it's nothing. i'm going to talk for 10 measly minutes about something i've been researching the hell out of. i'll be fine.
just breathe.
breathe.
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