in short

i don't wanna go. i hate this class i hate this class i hate this class.

more later. must read.

"dirty little secret"

since yesterday, i have been seriously contemplating e-mailing my professor and telling him i am sick and will be missing class. and this is the class i feel less disappointed in/upset about. even right now, at approx. 1 p.m. i still really really want to, but don't know how i would explain to my spousal unit why i'm still at home. ditching class? really? me???

i haven't wanted to do that since undergrad. and it's not even as if i didn't fully prepare for class or need to skip out due to a test. i read everything. i even enjoyed it. i just don't want to go. don't want to spend over an hour via public transit to get there, sit for 3.5 hours, spend another hour in getting home, all to eat dinner ridiculously late and spend an hour before sleeping with my bugga. (i want more time with him, dammit. not less)

i should be reading stuff for thursday but i can't seem to motivate myself. i'd rather read the book i bought yesterday or spend time on the internet. i really *LIKED* thursday's class until the prof. announced that by not participating verbally, one gets DOWNGRADED. so now classtime gets wasted on everyone trying to make sure they speak, and nothing of value gets accomplished!!!!

i'm so miffed i could spit nails!

and as if i didn't need other external issues pissing me off and making me question why i'm even in school, there was this little article i stumbled across: http://jezebel.com/5637642/women-get-more-phds-than-men-academia-possibly-to-discover-gender-balance the title sounds promising right? more women getting PhD's. until it goes into how that's actually a disadvantage to women because the fields they are getting PhD's in are now seen as "feminized" and "less important" than the traditionally "masculine" fields (math, science, etc.)

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

huh.

i don't know exactly what it is, but even though i'm fully aware of how inspiring/competent my profs are and how interesting this semester is going to be...i'm still left feeling like i just don't give a damn. i hate that feeling. it's what caused me to be a lack-luster student in high school (nixing my chance of decent scholarships for college) and was the source for my just-getting-by in core classes in undergrad (including my 3 attempts at intro to philosophy).  in class, i feel moderately challenged, but only because i don't get why some of my classmates struggle with putting things together/ seeing the bigger picture. i'm not trying to say i don't learn from the professors, i *DO*. but it's kinda retroactive--if that makes any sense at all.

it's like, if i got the lectures BEFORE i did the readings, i'd get so much more out of them. instead, i do do the readings and finally it "makes sense"- i.e. what to gain from the readings. it seems rather inefficient to me to have things done that way, but whatever. class discussions would be much more focused and achieve more (i think) with the knowledge dealt pre-reading, but perhaps that's just how my brain works.

also, i'm still not sure over all WHAT is supposed to be gained/ be the goal of this degree. i mean, besides the obvious of having an M.A. what do i do with it? where do i go next, you know? do i really want to do more school? really, what's the point if it's just me, pulling bullshit out of thin air (which i feel it is 95% of the time) and making it sound good? why should i be paying upwards of $20K a year for guided reading?

i don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but i just want to feel like i'm a) actually learning something cohesive b) participating in intellectual discourse c) given more concrete guidelines of what to expect from this program d) given guidance from staff as to what next.

is that really so much to ask????