simply unpoetic

i want to write brilliantly. the kind of writing that just flows onto the pages, melodic and easy to read. that makes people want to keep reading. that inspires them to think. to respond.

i used to have it in me. now, i don't so much.

i follow other blogs that are way more entertaining/ witty/ verbose.

maybe i just don't have anything interesting to write about.

maybe, in my attempt to keep some sense of anonymity, i lose the power of what i could be saying?

maybe i need to shower and load up on B vitamins....

i never thought that being a student again could physically and mentally drain me as much as it does. i feel like a robo-zombie by the end of the day wednesday and then, thursday, its "start on homework day" so it can all be done for the following tuesday.

will i really have to wait until december for some quality "me time"???

group work migraines

sigh.

i usually love group work. i do. i enjoy the collaborative process- the uniting of different perspectives to reach the same ultimate outcome: a cohesive project. but right now, i just want to smash open my head with a hammer.

i have a lovely group. great people. smart. insightful. unfortunately, i am the only native english speaker- which doesn't usually make a huge difference. they are all excellent students (well, maybe not all, but i'm trying hard to not jump to rash, hastily drawn conclusions) but it's super super difficult for them to write formal responses in their 2nd language to passages they had to read (and usually decipher *from*) their 2nd language! and understandably so--if i had to write a paper in Japanese or French, it would sound like a mentally deficient Kindergarten-er had written it!!!

so how do i, who is rather competitive when it comes to class performance, juggle the fact that the other sections may not "live up to my standards"? and does the professor take into account the fact that, in a group, only one of the students is used to and comfortable with written papers and presentations in English? is it okay to ask the professor that? and how does one do it in a tactful manner??

OY VEY. i feel like shit 'complaining' about something that is so unchangeable and culture-ist (is that a term? it should be!!) of me. i'm going to go hang my head in shame now....

like charlie brown...

...an overwhelming wave of self-pity is slowly consuming my thoughts, as of late.

i want to be somewhere else- not stuck here for the remainder of my grad program. i read about where my friends are (either in life, or quite literally where they are in the world) both via blogs and the ubiquitous facebook and wish i was the one having the grand adventures. i realise that going back to school and pursuing further knowledge is an adventure in itself, but one that- at least for the time being- requires me to a) stay physically put, in close proximity to school and b) makes "responsible" decisions that are affected directly by the fact i have to remain put.

no taking long trips- can't afford them, can't miss class/work, who'd watch the kittens?

must have at least one source of income- to afford staples/ rent/ food/etc. which means no long trips

no "me time"- have to do homework, read class materials, spend time in transit to/from class

can't afford a car- so it takes forever to get anywhere, also prevents day trips of any kind

local friends are all busy- in school/work/etc. and right now, all have more income

GOOD GRIEF.

anyone have a football???

a short one

sometimes i wonder if maybe i'm "too old" to do this. even though i'm usually up quite late at night, on school nights, i'm already exhausted by the time i arrive at class (6 pm). when class is over at 10, i barely feel like i can walk, let alone talk/ think/ reason/ get myself home properly.

and when i do get home, the migraine that has blown itself out of proportion keeps me up half the night, medicated or no.

someone needs to rally for creating an 8 day week...g_d knows i could use a day of rest, too.

feeling smart and sassy

question of the week: is there such a thing as over-participation in class? i have so much to say and am geekily excited about everything i'm learning, at times it feels like i'm going to explode while waiting for my turn to speak in class. (that is, when other people actually speak up).

my point being, does there come a point when i am being TOO active? i don't babble on for ever, but it feels like i always have a response to what other students share or another point i want to raise or quotations to back things up....

i don't want to get the reputation of "oh there she goes again..." or of being a brown-noser, but i also want to make sure i'm not imposing upon myself restrictions and self-editing. that process is so detrimental to my psyche and really fucks with self-esteem, you know? i had waaaaay too much of self-editing for "politeness" sake when i lived in japan and it really did a number on me! never EVER again.

of a "certain age"

well huh. i guess this can be recorded here if for nothing else than posterity's sake. but, since it has happened within the context of my being a graduate student and life *surrounding* being a graduate student---> it works as part of this blog.

this past week, i have been put into two drastically different categories of age. neither one, terribly insulting but both troublesome. i have been thought to be a teenager. i have been thought to be a "mother" (and no, not a teenage-mom)

situation a: i volunteer part time. this past week, we had a new volunteer. we did the slightly awkward "tell me about yourself and why you decided to volunteer here" thing. i mention in passing i'm married (or made reference to my husband). she gets this blank, wide-eyed look- but i'm used to this. she then asks how long we've been married. 'oh, about 4 and a half years now.' the look turns to shock and she sputters out: "can i ask how old you are?" 28. relief passes over her and in a very kind, and flattering tone she quips: 'you look like you're still in high school!"

high school

situations b& c: (a 2 part-er)

part b:quick, necessary background info- spousal unit and i have missed like 2 months of church due to busy-ness/oversleeping and laziness. we're finally back this week. older lady says to spouse: "oh i see you're back finally. did you have your baby?" gah-what now?!?! there were a few times i had older women ask me if i was pregnant (which i don't get, beyond the fact i own an abundance of 'peasant' style tops) but WTF?!?!

part c: i'm sitting on the bus, on my way to class and my ridiculously heavy backpack is in the seat next to me. I get up to leave the bus, and when putting my backpack on, the woman seated across from me asks: "Is that your daughter's backpack?" HUH?! first of all, why would you even assume it belongs to a daughter and not me, who's getting off at the stop in front of a college??!! second, i look old enough to have a kid in school????

i just don't get it...

ack! laziness onset already???

i don't WANT to be lazy and "take it easy", but here i am, with 3 readings left to do and no desire to start them. they may be incredibly interesting (the first 2 weren't) but what has me the most hung up on right now is i don't have a "hard"(a.k.a. physical) copy of them--2 are adobe pdf files and the other copy/pasted from the internet into open office.

i have no home printer right now, so that rules that out, and considering class is once a week (wednesday nights) and the professor doesn't post the readings before class, i can't print them out easily while on campus. ::sigh:: part of me is even torn that i *HAVE* to print them out- i hate the waste of paper! sure it makes underlining and highlighting easier but what would make my world, would be the ability to go into the documents, highlight/circle/star/underline the important parts, and then go print off the final product.

i have tried having both adobe open and open office so i can type parts i find relevant and quotes (which is what we have to prepare for class: find the main points of each reading and back it up with quotes that support or even disprove the points--to be used to help facilitate in class discussion). that way, i could cut/paste the quotes from the adobe INTO my prep-work and would find summarizing/paraphrasing less taxing--i'm so hung up on the not-being-able-to-move/remove-anything-from-adobe right now. yes, a faulty quirk, i know.

why am i having such a tough time making myself just DO THE READINGS already? why is digital medium for reading texts so obnoxious? and why am i having such difficulty finding relevance this week compared to last week?????

ACK!!!!!!!

any helpful hints, post-grads???

eat real food...

i am officially APPALLED at the food choices on campus! yes, it has been 6 years since undergrad, but i had hoped that dining choices had been expanded...or if nothing else, at least stayed the same.

backing up, let me give you some context- at my undergrad college (a student body of approx. 4000) there were 3 main dining choices (there are now at least 4): 2 dining halls and a cafe style/grab-and-go place. The dining halls had multiple options/sections: hot food (meat/fish, starch, veggies), a salad bar, a "themed" section (ethnic cuisine), a sandwich/panini bar, desserts, and of course, the cereal section. There were definitely options if you were a vegetarian but not really if you were vegan. the cafe/grab-and-go had more 'crappy' options: burgers, fries, pizza, nachos, candy, chips, ice cream and some healthier stuff: granola bars, yogurt, fresh fruit/fruit cups, veggies and dip/hummus. you didn't *HAVE* to eat well, but if you preferred healthy food, there was plenty of it to choose from.

fast forward to now: i attend a university in a area of the US that has an infinite growing season (sure from oct- feb it;s only kale, leeks and oranges) with tons of fresh, organic produce available not only at every grocery store, but there is pretty much a neighborhood farmer's market every day of the week. you would think that, given that the undergraduate student body is required to a) live on campus and b)have a meal plan and that there are graduate students commuting for evening classes, that the variety would be plentiful and healthy.

NOPE. there are only 2 dining halls on the entire campus (one at the top of a ridiculously steep hill) but the one that's open late basically only serves crap!!! my "healthy choices" are fresh fruit (but only some of it is organic, and the bananas are NOT fair trade even though all the coffee is both organic and fair trade) and sushi...which isn't vegetarian. i'm okay eating fish occasionally but only when i know for a fact that it's not farm raised and is sustainable. everything else is deep-fried, burgers, fries, pizza, taco salad, warm pretzels, ice cream, candy bars, soda....junkJUNKJUNK!!! with tons of high fructose corn syrup.

what's a girl to do? more importantly, what about the undergrads who ARE vegetarian/vegan/ allergic to gluten, etc.?????

mustard on a lightbulb

a friend of mine once coined that phrase "like mustard on a lightbulb", as in "like a kid in a candy shop" or "like white on rice". as if putting mustard on a lightbulb were simple. easy. uncomplicated. not to argue with the one who basically invented this phrase, but i'd like to further expand it to mean- something that may be easy to do, but fruitless/pointless and then finally, frustrating because you can no longer use it.

this is exactly how i feel about the hours i spent studying today--on top of the 2-3 hours spent each day since thursday studying for that damn language class!!!

it would be one thing if this were the only class i was taking- i'd be able to focus on it solely/ pour all my energy into mastering what i am trying to make up for. but alas, grad school doesn't work that way...and even though my teacher seemed understanding of how far removed my skills were from the other students, it's becoming apparent that i am in **WAY** over my head.

to use an analogy: it's like you have just successfully read "hop on pop" (or other super-basic dr. seuss book) in the language that you are studying and you feel on top of the world, like you can conquer anything. and then you get to class and are expected to be able to read/write/translate Shakespeare in the same language....

i am in no way trying to undermine my ability to rise to a challenge but---it ain't gonna happen and i don't know what to do next. do i ask if it's too late to transfer DOWN to the beginning level class? (because that, sadly, is the only other option that may possibly be available to me at this point in time) or do i get increasing overwhelmed by the amount of "makeup" a.k.a. REDO homework that i have to fix on top of the current weeks homework, vocabulary, listening comprehension, quiz prep and translation project??

head full...words failing...

tonight i have my first quiz! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!

my head is so crammed full of verbs tenses, patterns, conjugations of adjectives AND nouns (that's right folks---nouns!) i can only hope now that all my studying will come to fruition and i can do my best! hopefully it will just be a quiz on the tenses, not on the other vocabulary i supposedly should have learned.....

eep.

oh the places you will go

i accomplished so frakin' much today and feel like a ROCKSTAR. there is seriously nothing more satisfactory than getting work done and feeling like you may actually understand what you are doing. 2 of my 4 supplementary readings: read. responses: written, but informally. i'm waiting to hear back from the prof if they need to be formalized. verb chat for studying-common present positive, common past positive, common present negative, past common negative, imperative and formal tenses: DONE.

and i even had time to do the dishes and make a casserole.

i am a goddess!!!!!!

make new friends, but keep the old...

is it silly how giddy i get when my new classmates friend me on facebook?

maybe just a little....but i like them, so it's okay.

second thoughts...

there are moments when i more than second guess myself- and today i am having one GIANT "what-the-frack-am-i-doing?" day.

here's why (in brief):

- i cried IN CLASS last night because i just couldn't "get" the conjugation patterns. and it was still a 'review' class.

- i haven't figured out yet if my unemployment checks have been "frozen" on account of sheer stupidity.

- my brain hurts.

- i feel so emotionally exhausted from trying to keep up that i was out cold last night from 11:30 until 10:45 this morning. i haven't slept like that since i was like, 5.

- i hardly get to see my spousal unit- unless i visit him at work. i don't want to be one of those couples that gets driven apart because we never see each other/ have quality time together.

- i can't imagine how i would potentially balance a job and school work- and i'm only a week in.

i know logically, i shouldn't second guess myself, but there is a huge part of me that wants to turn and RUN the other way. to move somewhere "affordable" (read: rent is under $800/month) that has a stable job market instead of squeaking by on one part-time job and student loans in an ass-expensive location with a dying job market....

why did i have to pick now to go back???

the "other class" and night 2 of language, coming up...

aside from the many frustrations i am having with my language component- there *IS* another class i have to take this semester: 601...basically a survey/introductory course to the program. and this class, i am thrilled about. the professor seems very genuine and is incredibly, academically armed to teach. besides getting his ph.d. in historiography(!) he heads multiple committees, is involved with several big time nonprofits and academic journals AND is an amateur film buff. gotta love it.

i am still having issues with not getting any assistance from people on campus figuring out why my card won't let me into the LIBRARY and why my netbook doesn't want to connect to the internet. i must have the wrong login/password combo but the damn school has given us at least 3, and none of them related! terribly unhelpful.

managed to get my homework for tonight's 2nd language class done--i'm not sure it's correct at all. BUT i am giving it my best try and i hope, in a class of three students, that will count for something.

oh and one of my classmates was kind enough to actually point out where the bookstore is and where the "grab and go" cafe is...yay!

financial freeze?!?!

so i get a letter in the mail today from the official unemployment services. it's about a phone interview that i MUST have---on october first! the last time i had a phone interview, my unemployment benefits were frozen until after the interview had been conducted and i was deemed "worthy" of receiving them.

now i'm beginning to freak out: why did i get this now? the list of questions on the back, included pamphlet and added letter all pertain to "work-related training". ie. am i still eligible to receive benefits while attending....

what?! the only thing i can think of is on the official form i have to fill out and send every other week there is a question that asks: "did you begin any kind of school or training?" i must have answered YES (being the honest person i am, i began graduate school...duh.) and now i have to wait for them to determine if i can still meet the requirements while a full-time student?!?!??!

so, by returning to school, i can't get the money i need to go back to school? a logical fallacy. and i have to wait an ENTIRE month's time---during which i don't have income-- for them to make a phone call and ask me questions, after which (and this is the best part) if i *am* still determined eligible, i have to get a letter signed and send it to them!!!!!!

i hardly have enough time to do my frickin' homework and get to and from class, how am i supposed to hyper-actively pursue a means of income as well???

believe me, i have been looking for work. i check work postings daily, send out (on average) 2 resumes a week--usually more---and since losing my job in APRIL i have only been called in for 4 (yes, that's F-O-U-R) interviews! and obviously none have hired me!!! because i was going back to school.

this is so fucked up.

so much for that "high"...

after class last night, i actually felt semi-remotely confident that i would be able to struggle and keep up with the more advanced language students. i even felt fairly assured that the homework would be a relative breeze. HA!

i have now been working on a SINGLE worksheet of what is supposed to be review for over 2.5 hours. there are no instructions, just "follow the pattern"- patterns we briefly went over in class. but now, in the real world i am staring at the fucking sheet of paper confused as all get out as to what EXACTLY i am supposed to do!!!

i know i should just walk away, take a break, *breathe**breathe**BREATHE* but i feel so defeated just giving up on it, because i know i won't understand it any later on. and it's due thursday! THIS thursday. i hate feeling so incompetent...and even though i know the teacher knows i'm "behind", i don't know how to get the help i need!

supposedly there are language tutors on campus but campus is an hour/ hour and a half transit ride away....and where do i go? (see yesterdays entry about lack of campus info available)

F%&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!