...slipping, everythings slipping away

i don't know how much longer i can hold on. each week gets progressively more and more daunting and instead of feeling confident, i feel worn out--"like little butter over too much bread".  i can barely keep up with the readings- mainly because half of them are being posted mid-week and i don't have a printer at home. (yes, i do read them online, but then it's next to impossible to reference direct quotes/passages in class).

 by the time i get to class at night i'm so worm out my brain atrophies instead of kicking in, as it did in the beginning. other students have stepped up to participate and they have great things to say: most of them either beat me to my point or make a better one than i could have contributed. and the blackboard discussions online have become like mini-essays full of quotes and theories- i don't know how my fellow classmates find the time to write them! i consider myself lucky if i find *A SINGULAR* point i want to discuss, and it's usually that i want to discuss it--not use texts to illustrate something. it's called a "discussion board" for a reason right???

also, while my tutor thinks i'm getting a good grasp on my language, the teacher continues to pull shit out of mid-air and put it on tests without: a) ever having practiced it OR EVEN discussed it in class b) having it been practiced in homework and c) even mentioning that we should make sure to review the (to use an actual example) example sentences given when introducing new verb patterns! during our class break last night i had to leave the classroom so i could go somewhere and cry! this woman is making me hate the language!!! she doesn't seem to care that i'm "just not getting it" because the other 2 girls are---oh wait! they're still a whole year ahead of me in their study! gee....i wonder why....

i may have to re-take it next semester to get a better grade on my transcript which pisses me off for too many reasons to go into. i am so frustrated with this program- with not feeling like i am getting any support from the school OR teachers. with not knowing week to week what my homework load is going to look like so i can plan accordingly. with feeling friendless and stupid.

and now, i have to go get ready because it will take over an hour to get to my volunteer shift, from which i go directly to class. i will end up spending too much money on crappy food while the yummy stuff i have at home goes to waste because i'm never home to eat it!!!!!!