27 December 2009
i double-heart <3<3 winter break!!
how wonderful to take the time to read books that a) i want to b) are not required and c) are mainly fiction! woot! while the downside is i'm working like a crazy mo-fo: 2 jobs both part-time to bring in money to pay the bills; the up-side is, generally feeling relaxed and in control of my life. in theory, i could be working on an optional take-home language project for extra points but, seeing how i will be joining a new language class (and hence, new teacher!) come january AND it's break, i think i won't. plus really, i don't have the time/patience right now to sit down and do an intense, 8-page bonus assignment so, i will accept the grade i get, i guess.
13 December 2009
holy gripes, batman!
i realize i must come off as a whiny bitch. or at least, an eternal pessimist. but this is my "free space" away from the times and places i have to be cheerful and upbeat. away from the demands put upon me. this is where i go to vent steam because virtually everywhere else, everyone is sick of hearing it.
it's not that bad./ it could be so much worse. or
you should focus on what you have going for you. or
be grateful you still have [xyz]. count your blessings. or
geez, stop complaining. so many people out there have it way worse than you- you could have [situation xyz].
awesome. just what i needed to hear- a formulaic catch phrase. great. nothing cheers me up like those pearls of wisdom...
look, i get it. you are all correct. "at least i'm not starving in a back alley in a 3rd world country with no access to clean water or fresh food or a toilet while battling some horrid life-threatening disease," right? i've never asked for a glamorous life. i just would like, for once, to catch a small break. since moving out here, i haven't had a chance to "take it easy" or to "do something for enjoyment" and while that sucks ass- in my opinion- but what really gets to me is the fact that i can't even take care of the things that really need taking care of for my own sense of health and well-being.
i'm not talking yoga here--though i would love to have the time and money to study iyengar again. no, i'm talking about problems/issues i have had to go years without fixing: both external and internal. i should be in therapy (and was for a time---can't afford it any more) and should be on drugs (the prescription, chemical imbalance-fixing kind--but can't afford those either); i should be going to acupuncture regularly (community acupuncture is much more affordable than visits to the doctor, and i believe, better for you) for my f*ed up back, tmj, migraines, cramps, and other personal issues; i should probably see a chiropractor; i have an emergency dental surgery coming up because i can't afford regular check-ups/cleanings; amd the list goes on and on and on.
i am sick of seeing/hearing of how much better (success/luck/careers/ income/ creativity/ life) everyone else i know seems to be doing. i know, logically, that just because something seems externally great doesn't mean it really is. but all my life, i was always told by others--those older than me, who i respected and admired-- how incredibly smart/ intelligent i was. how incredibly talented i was.
well, either they were lying straight to my face (which is a possibility) or life/g_d is playing a cruel trick on me (also possible) or somehow my talent/intelligence just doesn't matter in the greater scheme of life----because here i am, age 28 and a half. working 2, low-paying, part-time jobs in the service industry. with absolutely nothing to show for it: no house. no car. no "successful" (or even interesting) career. no diploma from an ivy-league school. no awards. no accomplishments. nada. zip. zilch. zero.
so what the hell is the point? when do i get my dues? i have continually worked my ass off and haven't done a single thing just for myself in at least 5 years. because i can't f*in' afford to. can't take the time off/need to make money JUST TO GET BY.
:::sigh:::
i just want to understand why. where did i go wrong???
it's not that bad./ it could be so much worse. or
you should focus on what you have going for you. or
be grateful you still have [xyz]. count your blessings. or
geez, stop complaining. so many people out there have it way worse than you- you could have [situation xyz].
awesome. just what i needed to hear- a formulaic catch phrase. great. nothing cheers me up like those pearls of wisdom...
look, i get it. you are all correct. "at least i'm not starving in a back alley in a 3rd world country with no access to clean water or fresh food or a toilet while battling some horrid life-threatening disease," right? i've never asked for a glamorous life. i just would like, for once, to catch a small break. since moving out here, i haven't had a chance to "take it easy" or to "do something for enjoyment" and while that sucks ass- in my opinion- but what really gets to me is the fact that i can't even take care of the things that really need taking care of for my own sense of health and well-being.
i'm not talking yoga here--though i would love to have the time and money to study iyengar again. no, i'm talking about problems/issues i have had to go years without fixing: both external and internal. i should be in therapy (and was for a time---can't afford it any more) and should be on drugs (the prescription, chemical imbalance-fixing kind--but can't afford those either); i should be going to acupuncture regularly (community acupuncture is much more affordable than visits to the doctor, and i believe, better for you) for my f*ed up back, tmj, migraines, cramps, and other personal issues; i should probably see a chiropractor; i have an emergency dental surgery coming up because i can't afford regular check-ups/cleanings; amd the list goes on and on and on.
i am sick of seeing/hearing of how much better (success/luck/careers/ income/ creativity/ life) everyone else i know seems to be doing. i know, logically, that just because something seems externally great doesn't mean it really is. but all my life, i was always told by others--those older than me, who i respected and admired-- how incredibly smart/ intelligent i was. how incredibly talented i was.
well, either they were lying straight to my face (which is a possibility) or life/g_d is playing a cruel trick on me (also possible) or somehow my talent/intelligence just doesn't matter in the greater scheme of life----because here i am, age 28 and a half. working 2, low-paying, part-time jobs in the service industry. with absolutely nothing to show for it: no house. no car. no "successful" (or even interesting) career. no diploma from an ivy-league school. no awards. no accomplishments. nada. zip. zilch. zero.
so what the hell is the point? when do i get my dues? i have continually worked my ass off and haven't done a single thing just for myself in at least 5 years. because i can't f*in' afford to. can't take the time off/need to make money JUST TO GET BY.
:::sigh:::
i just want to understand why. where did i go wrong???
05 December 2009
one year ago
it is absolutely incredible to me what a difference a year can make.at this time last year, i was working a job i hated loathed. however, i was making for the first time in my "american life" a living wage ( i did as well during my time in japan, but the circumstances there were way favorable: subsidized housing among many). bills were paid in full--including the dreaded credit card--my savings account was growing, my ability to take trips was only limited by the time i could take off from work. i bought my family NICE christmas presents....
what a study in contrasts.
one year ago: a single paycheck covered rent + utilities. today: it takes 4 paychecks to equal JUST rent
one year ago: i could go home for christmas for 10 days. today: i will be working at least 2, possibly 3 jobs over break just to stay "afloat"
one year ago: i could afford "luxuries" like donation-based yoga, therapy & acupuncture today: even i could find the time to get to such things, i have to prioritize things like my upcoming root canal/dental surgery sans insurance.
one year ago: i could get or make meaningful presents for gifts today: time-factor aside, i'm only making $90/week before taxes
one year ago: my tendency to over-dramatize the fragile state of my income was gently mocked today: i seriously worry what would happen in case of any emergency... since losing my job in april (before i got the very part-time one i have now) i have incurred over $3000 in medical bills. and they were technically non-emergencies.
i haven't had a vacation (which didn't involve either family of hosting a friend) in over 5 years. i hate to think that to pay for a single credit of my graduate education i would have to put in over 100 hours at my very-part-time job. but with the amount of schoolwork required, i feel it's near impossible to juggle 2 jobs during the academic year.
i hate feeling so helpless while at the same time knowing full well there are so many other people in this world facing greater struggles, greater suffering.
one year ago, i may have been miserable and stressed out to the max, but i was financially secure. today, my stresses are of a different nature and i don't hate my job. what to do? what to do?
what a study in contrasts.
one year ago: a single paycheck covered rent + utilities. today: it takes 4 paychecks to equal JUST rent
one year ago: i could go home for christmas for 10 days. today: i will be working at least 2, possibly 3 jobs over break just to stay "afloat"
one year ago: i could afford "luxuries" like donation-based yoga, therapy & acupuncture today: even i could find the time to get to such things, i have to prioritize things like my upcoming root canal/dental surgery sans insurance.
one year ago: i could get or make meaningful presents for gifts today: time-factor aside, i'm only making $90/week before taxes
one year ago: my tendency to over-dramatize the fragile state of my income was gently mocked today: i seriously worry what would happen in case of any emergency... since losing my job in april (before i got the very part-time one i have now) i have incurred over $3000 in medical bills. and they were technically non-emergencies.
i haven't had a vacation (which didn't involve either family of hosting a friend) in over 5 years. i hate to think that to pay for a single credit of my graduate education i would have to put in over 100 hours at my very-part-time job. but with the amount of schoolwork required, i feel it's near impossible to juggle 2 jobs during the academic year.
i hate feeling so helpless while at the same time knowing full well there are so many other people in this world facing greater struggles, greater suffering.
one year ago, i may have been miserable and stressed out to the max, but i was financially secure. today, my stresses are of a different nature and i don't hate my job. what to do? what to do?
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