...and SCENE!

i did it. it is done! edited and submitted my final paper for the semester last night. WOOT.

it's amazing how de-stressing having everything done can be. now it's just on to the presents, packing, cleaning, baking....SIGH

LUNA-cy and papering

it's a lunar eclipse tonight AND a full moon AND winter solstice! whee!

i'm just 4 pages away from officially closing my fall semester this year. most likely will finish tomorrow (if/when my proofreader gets back to me).  then i get a WHOLE MONTH of reading what i want. when i want to. how am i ever to decided??? i have at least 2 books as well as a list of authors lined up--all within the general category of asia-pacific: like miyuki miyabe and kobo abe, kim young-ha, duong thu huong, etc.

any suggestions of SPECIFICALLY sci-fi/fantasy novels i should read???? since apparently, i am finding it too challenging to think outside my field...not that it's necessarily a bad thing just, you know...odd. for me.

see? told ya so....

oh, the tail-end of the semester. a mixed bag of feelings and emotions...and feeling like you're on the verge of an emotional breakdown.  finding new and creative ways to procrastinate. all my in class presentations are done. one out of 2 papers are done. the other has a snazzy title (OUTspoken: A Thematic Literary Analysis of Murakami Ryu's Piercing and Kirino Natsuo's Out) 

have i mentioned how much i *love* coming up with snazzy titles???

anywho...it's got a title and i've even outlined it. and that's as far as i've gotten. it was originally due this weekend, but R-sensei pushed it back to the 23rd. great. just what a motivation-ally-impaired person needs, a teacher induced procrastinational tool

coming soon.....

...to a blog near you:

A REAL UPDATE!!!

(i swear, once the semester ends)

proposed topic

so, assuming it gets "approved" (a.k.a. a better grade than my first paper proposal), here is a brief summary of what i will be writing a paper on for ONE of my classes this semester....

Rebel, Rebel: Soushoku Danshi (“Herbivore Boys”), Makeinu (“Losing Dogs”), and the Queering of “Traditional” Gender Roles in Japan

easy week

no class on tuesday. and tonight's readings were about gender, korean drama (like winter sonata!) and other forms of popular culture.

i love it when school feels like FUN

so busy i forgot to update

that about sums it up. this year is totally kicking my ass. between reading approx. 200 pages *per class, per week* and working and trying to not stress out too much, i have neglected posting. meh. no big whoop. not as if i have a cult following.

since my last update the dreaded class has gotten better. still fucking annoying and imperfect but at least, better. literature is still going well. we have a mid-term type paper due that we will get info about in class tonight (i think). does anyone else find it odd for a grad-level class to have a midterm-thingy? for the other class, we had to submit a tentative title for our FINAL PAPER last week. mine will have to do with people challenging traditional gender norms in japan...surprise!

anyways, that's about it right now. still haven't figure out how i'm going to fulfill my final 3rd of the language requirement. or when i'm supposed to have time to explore/apply for further schooling options. SIGH.

in short

i don't wanna go. i hate this class i hate this class i hate this class.

more later. must read.

"dirty little secret"

since yesterday, i have been seriously contemplating e-mailing my professor and telling him i am sick and will be missing class. and this is the class i feel less disappointed in/upset about. even right now, at approx. 1 p.m. i still really really want to, but don't know how i would explain to my spousal unit why i'm still at home. ditching class? really? me???

i haven't wanted to do that since undergrad. and it's not even as if i didn't fully prepare for class or need to skip out due to a test. i read everything. i even enjoyed it. i just don't want to go. don't want to spend over an hour via public transit to get there, sit for 3.5 hours, spend another hour in getting home, all to eat dinner ridiculously late and spend an hour before sleeping with my bugga. (i want more time with him, dammit. not less)

i should be reading stuff for thursday but i can't seem to motivate myself. i'd rather read the book i bought yesterday or spend time on the internet. i really *LIKED* thursday's class until the prof. announced that by not participating verbally, one gets DOWNGRADED. so now classtime gets wasted on everyone trying to make sure they speak, and nothing of value gets accomplished!!!!

i'm so miffed i could spit nails!

and as if i didn't need other external issues pissing me off and making me question why i'm even in school, there was this little article i stumbled across: http://jezebel.com/5637642/women-get-more-phds-than-men-academia-possibly-to-discover-gender-balance the title sounds promising right? more women getting PhD's. until it goes into how that's actually a disadvantage to women because the fields they are getting PhD's in are now seen as "feminized" and "less important" than the traditionally "masculine" fields (math, science, etc.)

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

huh.

i don't know exactly what it is, but even though i'm fully aware of how inspiring/competent my profs are and how interesting this semester is going to be...i'm still left feeling like i just don't give a damn. i hate that feeling. it's what caused me to be a lack-luster student in high school (nixing my chance of decent scholarships for college) and was the source for my just-getting-by in core classes in undergrad (including my 3 attempts at intro to philosophy).  in class, i feel moderately challenged, but only because i don't get why some of my classmates struggle with putting things together/ seeing the bigger picture. i'm not trying to say i don't learn from the professors, i *DO*. but it's kinda retroactive--if that makes any sense at all.

it's like, if i got the lectures BEFORE i did the readings, i'd get so much more out of them. instead, i do do the readings and finally it "makes sense"- i.e. what to gain from the readings. it seems rather inefficient to me to have things done that way, but whatever. class discussions would be much more focused and achieve more (i think) with the knowledge dealt pre-reading, but perhaps that's just how my brain works.

also, i'm still not sure over all WHAT is supposed to be gained/ be the goal of this degree. i mean, besides the obvious of having an M.A. what do i do with it? where do i go next, you know? do i really want to do more school? really, what's the point if it's just me, pulling bullshit out of thin air (which i feel it is 95% of the time) and making it sound good? why should i be paying upwards of $20K a year for guided reading?

i don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but i just want to feel like i'm a) actually learning something cohesive b) participating in intellectual discourse c) given more concrete guidelines of what to expect from this program d) given guidance from staff as to what next.

is that really so much to ask????

back-to-school BLAHS ???

with only a week now under my belt, this second year of grad school has me feeling totally, well, BLAH. not sure if it's because i'm having a hard time getting back into the groove of things, or because i feel so physically/mentally lethargic or what. i'm even having a harder than usual time of feeding myself! case in point-- it's approx. noon-thirty as i type this and i finally got around to making my fav. snack (toast with marmite, smoked cheddar and a fried egg). while it's packed full of vitamins and protein and stuff, it's the only thing i've eaten today. i'm going to take some grapes and leftover (yes! leftover!!! shocking, i know) spaghetti to class tonight, but should probably eat something else in there. somewhere.

i feel like i can't get anything done. okay, so maybe i did finish my 150-ish pages of early-late tang dynasty poetry/prose but now i can't be bothered to start the readings for my thursday class. i'm too comfortable at home, but if i were to go anywhere, i'd have to lug everything i needed for the rest of the day along with.and my anthology of chinese literature pre-1911 book is wicked heavy! UGH.

i just feel so >meh< about everything. nothing motivates me. nothing excites me. this does not bode well for the semester....

i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

tonight is the first class of my 2 year of grad school. this semester will be a literature based class and a pop-culture related class. sounds interesting i know, but i'm trying not to get my hopes up yet. (just in case i end up with a disaster professor)

in other news...it's FRAKIN' hot today!!!! and the school is not air conditioned because, it never usually gets this hot. good thing i brought along mugicha and a cold salad.

summer update

so, i have read my way through most of the list below, minus books unavailable at my local libraries or that have ridiculous amounts of holds placed on them (like "queen victoria: demon hunter").

i've also watched a TON of the defunct tv show veronica mars. it was enjoyable for awhile, but the realm of ridiculousity has gone too far for me to truly enjoy it.

being very lazy, sleeping in almost daily, drinking lots of yummy micro-brews and avoiding anything vaguely academic....

all in all, a good if not super lazy summer.

so begins my summer reading list

by rosie rushton:
- love, lies and lizzie
- secret schemes, daring dreams

by amanda grange:
-mr darcy, vampyre
-mr knightley's diary

random:
-queen victoria: demon hunter
-mansfield park and mummies

by george mann:
-the affinity bridge

by stephan hunt:
-the court of the air
-the kingdom beyond the waves
-the rise of the iron moon

by laura joh rowland:
- the cloud pavillion
-bedlam: the further secret adventures of charlotte bronte

by natsuo kirino:
-real world
-grotesque

by jules verne:
-journey to the center of the earth
-around the world in 80 days

any other suggestions???

bibliography

for shits and giggles, if you want to know my souces

paper, part 5

(the end. and quite a bit of it. as always, MY property. do not use without written permission. also, i don't know why the font changes color sometimes. oh well)

paper, part 4

(yes, it just keeps going. and it's MINE. don't use it without my okay!)

paper, part 3

(as always, this paper is MY intellectual property. do not use without my permission!!!)

paper, part 2

(STILL MINE! don't steal!!!)

paper, part 1

so, i'm gonna post this. DON'T STEAL IT! this paper is *MY* property.

Noh Women/ No Women: Neo-Confucianism and Its Radical

Alteration on Perceptions of Gender as Seen Through the

Sociological Lens of Traditional Japanese Theatre

looking back

i survived the semester! i wrote the paper. i even turned it in on time. and, i am fairly certain i did well. while the main lecture class wasn't nearly as comprehensive as i would have liked, i suppose that just points that i'm more interested in the topics than i would previously have cared to admit. right?

perhaps i will post my paper here, but it's very long. maybe in stages???

now, i have a summer ahead of me to read, relax and enjoy hanging out with classmates outside of the academic sphere. lovely.

on a completely random note, i get comments sometimes from people i don't know. that's fine. what *ISN'T* cool, is that they usually include links to g_d-only-knows-where. i'm working on a way to edit them out/ catch them ahead of time, but since i don't update as frequently as i'd like, i set the comment moderator to not publish anything after 2 days unless i approve. still, some creep through. :::sigh:::

any advice on how to catch this without having to constantly moniter comments, and go in and delete them???

until next time....

massive amounts of expletives

i would type the word FUCK a hundred, thousand, million times if i thought it would help me write this damn paper. alas, even that many expletives would not get it accomplished. shit fuck damn ass twat cunt.

grateful for mom...

...even when she makes me wanted to tear my hair out.

i have been battling a GIANT case of the blues. or apathy. or malaise. not quite sure. so even though i talked to her yesterday, i called up my mom. less because of the whole moms-give-great-encouragement-thing and more of the she just finished grad. school herself a year ago thing.

i know by now i should be writing my paper. i've done the research, i've made the outline and i even *successfully* presented on it! (yea me!) but it's the actual doing it that i'm now struggling with. originally i told myself that i would begin today--> start with something easy. straightforward. like, the bibliography. you know, no real thought required. and yet...

here it is, quarter after six p.m. and my emotional state has been crashed with a giant wrecking ball. i have no drive. no desire. even though i know tomorrow i will have no time, and wednesday is class and thursday i have a doctor's appointment and friday-next tuesday i work...and the busy cycle begins again. i STILL can't make myself sit down and f*cking do the easy part.

so i called mom. and vented. for an hour and a half. about school and work and not having enough money and worrying if i'm doing the right thing by being in school and what am i going to do with this degree anyways and crap! it's 5:30 and i've only eaten a croissant today and why do i feel like i'm stuck in molasses and why don't i have any direction or drive and how come i can't sleep through the night even once on and on and on...

and she listens. to all my worrying. and tells me to eat. even if it's crap or just a bowl of cereal. and she makes me want to cry because she makes it sound so easy, like, why can't i just buck up and take care of myself and my own damned problems? and i resolve to do something...even if it's just look through my research and organize it...but then i get off the phone and am sooooooo wiped. drained. and all i can do is write about what i just went through and manage, yet again, to put off the inevitable.

WHY CAN'T I PULL MY ACT TOGETHER?!?!

why do i even bother?

the end is sight ---> almost.

breathe.

just breathe.

tonight, i give my presentation on my final research paper. it's worth something ridiculous, like 20-25% of my grade. for a ten minute presentation.

i'm nervous.

why is it i always clam up in front of my peers, when (originally) i wanted to be an actor? and loved the stage???
is it because i feel under closer scrutiny? am i trying to hard to "prove" myself? and if so, to whom? to myself? my family? the universe?

sometimes i feel i would have been better off leaving well enough alone and pursuing acting. or just staying put with a bachelor's degree. razzle-frazzle-dazzle!!!!!! i just need to keep a calm head about this. it's nothing. i'm going to talk for 10 measly minutes about something i've been researching the hell out of. i'll be fine.

just breathe.

breathe.

place an "x" on the life-line

an acquaintance of mine urged me to do the following exercise, as i have been struggling with what-to-do-once-i-graduate. i was told to make 2 lists of at least 5 options: "jobs i would enjoy domestically" (and was told to disregard any reality issues) and "jobs i would enjoy internationally". i was told not to do any "rational editing" or self-criticism.

remarkably, there are quite a few similarities. so here they are. (feel free to make suggestions of things i've missed that i'd be good at.)

domestic jobs
- teach: either at the university level, or in a non-traditional classroom setting (i.e. a school for the arts, an immersion school, a alternative school, etc.)
-work for Dark Horse Comics--don't care in what capacity per se
- a non-profit job: girl's inc, SPICE, women's global fund, etc.
- actor in a sci-fi/fantasy TV series
- fashion importer: specifically asian and 'street fashion'
- own/run a cafe
- fiction writier

jobs abroad
- teach (yet again): in International schools, english in a foreign country, JET, etc.
- travel writer, because i've never had a helpful travel guide
- run/own a cafe (again)
- something with street fashion/ magazines
- be the token foreigner on a TV show
- WOOF- world organization of organic farms, at least, i'm fairly certain that's what it stands for

any suggestions???

-

the universe is sending me messages (perhaps)

a week from this wednesday, i must give a ten minute presentation on my final paper. the final paper for which i am now on my FOURTH topic. not because i'm indecisive...no no. because, apparently, the universe is trying to tell me that i'm doomed/cursed/meant(?) to be a professional academic!!!

i have gone through 4 topics because: the first topic (kannon vs kwan yin) was waaaaay too extensive for a 20 page paper. the second topic (shinto myth--specifically kitsune-- as perpetuater of japanese mysogyny) NO ONE had written on. the 3rd topic (generic shinto influence on japanese feminism) *still* had nothing written on it. really. and now, i'm *TRYING* to write on (what i mistakenly assumed would have a wealth of information) how the influx of confucian ideology resulted in the removal of women from acting in traditional japanese theatre AND the repercussions there of, with a bit of gender construction thrown in for good measure.

nothing. nada. zip. plenty on onnagata (female-performing men) and kabuki. yes, kabuki is a traditional theatre form BUT it developed at after the confucian ideals were in place. plenty on Noh--the form that existed pre-confucian influence, but women, if mentioned, are a side note (which, is my point, but doesn't aid in research). plenty on women in theatre AFTER the meiji restoration-but only in western or western influenced productions (again, proof by omission, of sorts).

ARGH! damn damn and double damn!!!

forgetabily forgoing food (and other quandries)

anyone who knew me during my undergraduate reign, knows i am AWFUL at taking care of myself--particularly in the food department. i enjoy cooking (for the most part) but *hate* eating leftovers. and have never been good at making meals for one. sure there's the "sandwich concept" but i prefer hot food to cold. so, i ate a LOT of ramen, microwavable meals, mac and cheese, boca burgers, pickles, cereal, dried fruit, etc.

now that i KNOW better, i have an even harder time of making sure i am fed. and well-fed. and balanced food at that. oh yeah, and local and organic. :::sigh::: i have tons of amazing farmer's market finds in my fridge, but do i really want to take the time/effort to make something and then deal with the mess???? NOOOOoooo. so do i end up buying lunch on the run and crap at the cafeteria during my class break? yep.

i know it sounds petulant and spoiled of me, but i really need someone to make me eat well. if that includes making it for me, well, so be it. if i had the money, a personal chef would be great!!!

in other news---i have yet to even OPEN the pdf file of the assigned reading for tonight's class. i guess it is hard to give a shit when (on the syllabus) there were 3 additional readings listed, but only one managed to make it to blackboard. and i really feel like i need a night off. hell, a month off would be great.

sometimes i truly wonder if going back to school was such a great idea after all. it's thrown everything else out of whack AND, at least this semester, i have little to no motivation to do anything. and am spending over $10,000 to not give a shit. ARGH.

money woes

went to the bank today to deposit LAST week's paychecks. it's not always easy to get to the bank with my odd work schedule but after a week, i start to get (ahem) paranoid if i don't get checks deposited. i worry about the state of my account, obviously, and wonder about just how`much i've been spending.

the last time i made a deposit was on 3/24. today (4/10), the difference was over a thousand dollars. LESS. granted rent and bills have happened since then. but it was one of those moments where it was so painfully obvious that the amount of money coming in is less than what is going out. by a significant number. and my hours at work will never be more than 25 hours a week. and i have to figure out how the summer session of school will be financed!!!!

I HATE THIS FEELING!!!

all my ducks in a row---almost.

spending the morning finishing up for tonight's discussion/facilitation. managed to pull together a basic, but interesting power point. i know i didn't *have* to, but i am a visual and kinetic learner. i like pretty shiny objects to look at. so sue me.

now i just have to put together basic notes about what i'm going to say--which, to me, feels ridiculous. i mean, i was a theatre major in undergrad!!! i did 3 years of improv (during those years) and plenty more prior. if there's one thing i know how to do well, it's entertain/speak. and yet, i am afraid of sounding dumb or rambling to much or getting off the subject.

UGH. when in my life did i suddenly get so concerned (or fiercely competitive- you decide) about sounding put together and/or academic??? if this is the kind of grief i give myself for a simple class discussion, why am i even considering the idea of eventually pursuing my doctorate????????

leading the way???

this week, i am one of 3 (in total) students helping lead/facilitate discussion in class. no big sweat, right? i like to talk, right? i have decent insights, sometimes, right?

this shouldn't be a huge deal.

but, of course, i over-think things. the book itself is incredibly dense. it's of the academic caliber that the graduate level *should* be at. and i absolutely loved reading it. helps that i got to sign up for the week i want to facilitate. but there's SOOOOoooo much i want to get into. that i want to be able to fully digest and explore and am excited about!!!

did i mention the power point???? in all fairness, it isn't required, but to date, only 3 of my classmates who've lead discussion have not used it. and everyone's p.p. (power point, you potty minds!!!) is way beyond what my menial skills can throw together. custom backgrounds, fancy charts, video clips....sigh. what's an old-fashioned, academic supposed to do????

oh, and did i mention that, 99% of those "facilitating" were really just summarizing the readings? which is fine. it helps a lot to have things re-visited, especially for 'staying power' purposes. but now i feel compelled to give one of those fancy-pants, techno-riffic presentations instead of a thoughtful discussion with a few sllides with various quotes and images.

:::::::sigh::::::::::

apparently, i suck...

at finding a research topic. or at least, researching a research topic.

maybe i just don't know how to "properly" use library search engines??? i have tried numerous combinations of key words. i have tried just googling the keywords in various combos. yet, to no avail. and i have now attempted 2 different topics. either the research doesn't exsist, and i am looking at hypothetical doctoral theses *OR* (the more likely option) i am doing the search all wrong.

i have even tried link+, as well as local library systems on top of my school's library AND a wide variety of scholarly journal databases.

WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

"take a good, last look, 'cuz you'll never see THESE again...."

"SPRING BREAK!" 


ten points to the first to identify the reference.


i wish i could say i am having a completely restful, relaxing spring break, but alas, it just doesn't hold the same weight as it did in undergrad. sure, it's lovely to not make the commute out to campus twice this week, but that's all it means to me: less commute time. and while i'm sticking to my guns and having a homework-easy week, i am painfully aware that a number of my classmates have already begun researching and reserving books for their final paper.


maybe i'm just not cut out for the whole "grad student" thing. (???)


in other relatively sad news, once again, my favorite day has rolled around--a chance to celebrate my *ACTUAL* irish-ness (thank you very much!) and once again, i made the mistake choice to give up alcohol for lent. why do i do this to myself? i'm not catholic. i'm barely protestant. so- kind readers- drink several pints for me.


slainte!

insert witty title here

i haven't been posting. i'm quite aware. not that there's a huge demand for my ravings of frustration co-mingled with the occasional joyous update. never-the-less...

i am finding that i am too angry (?) to post. events have occurred that, while not devastating in the long run, have crushed my spirit.

1. i lost (still convinced it may have been stolen somehow) my student ID. not a big deal because the ID itself is replaceable.  what *isn't* replaceable was the semester-long bus pass! not only is that $88 down the tube for the cost of the pass, but now everytime i head to campus i hand over $2, each way. that's potentially $8 a week. some weeks i get a lift back home. but, in upcoming weeks, when i will be spending more time at the library researching, or assisting a prior professor, i will be handing over even more.

i feel incompetent and stupid about this whole ordeal because the original ID disappeared in a time span of approximately 5 minutes. and i don't know to this day how or why. i have a new ID card now, so i can access campus locations, IT and borrow books but that bus pass...!!! :::sigh:::

2. family issues. i am getting quite tired of the song-and-dance number to the tune of "we're really tight on money right now so we can't [fill in the blank]" from my parents. if it were an honest plea, it wouldn't bother me so much. but it has hardly escaped my notice that EVERY TIME i have scraped up enough money to go home, they have a brand-new, high-ticket item. (recent acquisitions include: giant flat-screen HiDef TV, entertainment unit, ps3, new car, re-doing the living room, oh and vacations/retreats abound!)

this april my dad is turning 60. my mom decided she was going to throw him a big surprise party and invite all the important people from his past AND fly me home for the party. the last time we talked she had decided against the party in favor of something smaller. fair enough. but when i asked about coming home to be there with him to celebrate, she informed me they "don't have the money" right now.  :::sigh::: fine. whatever.

so i asked if they were still planning to come visit as an entire family this summer- which they have be telling me they were going to do for over a year now (also, my dad has YET to come and visit me in the place of my residing since i moved out of the midwest in 2006!!!) surprise surprise they aren't going to be able to afford that either. times are tight.

so, i email my kid sister and ask her if she has plans for spring break and would she like to come visit me. her spring break is the first week of april. she tells me that she'd much rather do that but mom,dad AND she are going to Florida!!!!!


they can't come visit me, or have me flown home for my dad's 60th BUT THEY CAN GO TO FLORIDA??

3. my love/hate relationship with grad school is severely in the "hate" spectrum this semester. it's a combination of many things: from feeling like the workload is too easy (yes, i said too easy. i know most people would be grateful for a light load, but i'm paying a LOT with little return), to getting very little out of my main class ( the lectures become circular reasoning with very little exploration of the social context or impact), to just plain not understanding HOW i'm supposed to know already what my thesis for a final paper is going to be, when i frankly feel like i know nothing about eastern religion, or at least, not enough to take a stance on anything. ARGH!!!!!


and that, coupled with the usual self-doubt, loathing and stress, have kept me from posting until now.

sweet zombie buddha! (and other class issues)

okay, i kid you not, the first hour and 45 minutes of class were spent talking about AN ANALOGY of buddhist ideas as seen in a zombie movie. probably not the best parallel but that's not the point. the point is, why the %^*($&)*# did we spend that much time on a fucking analogy?!?!

and why do we keep coming back to the same damn subject: thing=nothing. who cares that our minds don't quite get it? it's only because we are using very loaded words to discuss complicated, metaphysical and spiritual concepts. we may struggle with using the terms interchangably but that's due to our culture. our upbringing.

i really wish we would just use the "original" pali terms (or even sanskrt) so we wouldn't waste HOURS on word bullshit!!!!!!

spiritual grounding?

i'm not sure if "irony" is the correct word to use, however, i am noting here and now i find it "ironic" that --while my main lecture class is based in philsophy/religion of asia, i personally have not attended a church service since early november. having grown up in a very spiritually active family, i find the lack of a spiritual anchor unsettling. that being said, i simply can not find a church home/tradition where i feel i am growing/being nurtured spiritually.

my family background is middle-ground-to-conservative protestant. i left the denomination i grew up in for a more liberal/open minded one (i.e. ordains women, acknowledges other religious truths, welcomes persons of ALL backgrounds- not just the ones they are comfortable with). i feel great affinity to judaism. i enjoy buddhism. i am madly in love with the moon and wish fervently for open acknowledgment of the goddess.

so i haven't been to church.

today--for those of you familiar with the Christian liturgical year-- is ash wednesday, the beginning of the lenten season. lent has always been special for me. it's quite honestly my favorite part of the church year ( some blame my upbringing and their penchant for embracing guilt/sorrow/misery/mourning). i ached to find an ash wednesday service i could attend between my volunteering and class. apparently lent's not a huge deal around these parts unless you're catholic.

finally i found an episcopal cathedral open to the public for prayer/contemplation, etc. i walked their labyrinth. i lit a candle to st. mary magdalene and prayed for the women in my life. i sat in the pew, gazed at the magnificence and read the ash wednesday liturgy to myself.

i walked away a little bit more grounded.

open-ended letter to my professor....

dr. x,

understand that i mean no disrespect. you are terribly unmotivating, uninteresting and, in my personal opinion, not qualified to teach our class. perhaps my expectations are high. i mean, it;s not your fault that our previous professor was an incredibly bright, challenging, caring, harvard-educated man who drove us to succeed and inspired us to excel. it's not your fault that i assumed you would be on par with him. it's not your fault that i feel the field in which you specialize is a load of crock.

perhaps, if maybe this week's readings (which you want to have us prepared for wednesday's class) had been posted early enough that i could print them out and therefore underline/highlight them instead of it now being early sunday afternoon and--having no access to a printer-- i will have to rely on reading them on the internet and my paltry attempt at note-taking.

will this continue to be a regular thing? i hope not, because i rely on the IT room on campus to print things. 1) it's much cheaper than the library/ kinko's/ random copy centers per page. 2) it's convienient to print them out on wednesday/thursday before i go to my actual class so i can read them during--oh say my two hour round-trip commute. i can't **DO** that on my laptop because the city isn't wired with free wireless. and i don't have the money to go to cafes everyday to access the internet. and my apartment is out of the question because lord knows there are too many distractions!!!!!

so for the love of pete (whomever he may be) FUCKING POST THE READINGS ON TIME!!!!

then, you may just gain an ounce of respect from me.

sincerely,
embittered grad student

second semester--HO!!!!

here i am, sitting on campus in the "lounge" area for my program a good hour-and-a-half early. why? i ask myself. is it because you have nothing else better to do? well, no, not exactly.

it's because i'm nervous.

there. i said it.

big fatty fat nervous. i don't know what to expect from this teacher or class. i *JUST* learned the professor's area of specialty is death and dying rituals...uh....greeeeeeeeeeeat.

maybe i should go to the crap-tastic cafe and pick up something to eat that's more substantial than the 2 biscuits (chreezy vegan biscuits), 2 sembei, blood orange and braeburn apple (both fruits from the farmer's market) or some horrendous coffee-like beverage (not that i haven't already consumed mass quantities of caffeine via 'terrorist' coffee, earl grey and have a thermos of hojicha for later in class....)

jump starting my brain

so, classes FINALLY start up this coming week. i know i should be really psyched, but all i can think about is: "how the frack am i going to fit it all in?" by it all, of course i mean the following: class, work, studying/homework, commuting, art museum volunteering, possibility of a work-study opportunity, spending time with my souse, eating, cleaning, laundry, etc.

the prospects would be way less daunting if it weren't for the fact that i don't own a car. all my travel is done via public transit. and while i'm grateful that opportunity exists for me, it makes getting to/from places a royal pain in the ass.

last semester was made a tad easier by the bulk of my time being unemployed. and while my job is insanely easy (and i'm actually *encouraged* by the owner to study at work!) i always seem to work myself up into a panic when details are hazy and everything is based on theories in my head. :::sigh::: god i'm such a drama queen.

anyways, i should really try this weekend to "jumpstart" my brain: maybe review language vocabulary, and start reading the first book i'm supposed to have completed by february 3rd! good thing they email you the syllabus ahead of time...and good thing it's a rather interesting sounding book: the mystic's experience.....

when do classes start???

seriously.

i can not find any definitive information on when my start date for spring semester is! the school's academic calendar has listed the dates for undergraduates and for law students but nit for "regular" grad students. what's the deal with that?!?!

so i don't know if i begin classes this coming week or the following one. yikes. talk about feeling dreadful anticipation...

in actuality, very little communication has come from our program regarding the coming semester. nothing about purchasing bus passes (and last semester's expire the 22nd!). nothing about first day of classes. or what classroom we'll be in. this *IS* normal, right???

grades are in!

and i did pretty frickin' awesome! i am quite proud to announce that i did NOT fail my language class, in fact, i managed to get a B+!!! WOOT! i'm still not quite sure how that happened but, i will gladly take it!

also, it turns out that my winter break is way longer than expected- classes don't begin until like the 25th or something crazy like that.i am lovin' having off, even though it means i'm working like crazy--for example from january 2nd until NEXT WEEK saturday (i think that's like the 16th??) i have worked/will be working at one of my 2 two jobs every day! phew.

twentyten

here's to a prosperous new year to all!


i have never been one for making resolutions. but this year/this decade feels auspiciously perfect for new beginnings. so, while i would hesitate to call the below "resolutions", i will think of them as steps/guidelines for living abundantly in this new year.

1. nurture my creative spirit (even if it's only on the small scale): i managed  to score a copy of "the artists way" for $1 at the creative reuse depot. while i can't guarantee that i will follow it religiously, i think using it as a tool may be helpful. the part about artist dates in particular. i have no "goal" of finishing it in the 12-week manner it proponents but i will be working my way through it.

2. make better choices in taking care of myself: this one will require lots of baby steps and covers a range of issues. from making sure that i eat when i feel hungry (and not just ignore it) to staying properly hydrated. also things like following through on regular or semi-regular acupuncture, learning to like/accept myself/ compliment myself/ get my mojo back, consuming less (in the consumerism sense) and consuming less of things that are bad for me.

3. re-find my faith. in myself. in g_d. in humanity. in the greater good. in optimism. this on is also a tall order. it helps that, when the semester begins, my main class will be on asian philosophy and religion. what a great place to start! as for the others, with all the other work i'll be doing, i can only hope they will fall into place---but i'm not expecting miracles. it's hard to have any amount of faith in humanity as a whole--the minute something amazing and awe inspiring happens, giving me hope that people *don't* suck, i get reminded of the fact that people close to me believe any of the following: that sarah palin would make a great vicepresidential candidate; that our current president is a secret muslim terrorist because he won't 'support' the national day of prayer; that there is NO SUCH THING as global warming, etc. etc. etc.

here is to new beginnings!