i double-heart <3<3 winter break!!

how wonderful to take the time to read books that a) i want to b) are not required and c) are mainly fiction! woot! while the downside is i'm working like a crazy mo-fo: 2 jobs both part-time to bring in money to pay the bills; the up-side is, generally feeling relaxed and in control of my life. in theory, i could be working on an optional take-home language project for extra points but, seeing how i will be joining a new language class (and hence, new teacher!) come january AND it's break, i think i won't. plus really, i don't have the time/patience right now to sit down and do an intense, 8-page bonus assignment so, i will accept the grade i get, i guess.

holy gripes, batman!

i realize i must come off as a whiny bitch. or at least, an eternal pessimist. but this is my "free space" away from the times and places i have to be cheerful and upbeat. away from the demands put upon me. this is where i go to vent steam because virtually everywhere else, everyone is sick of hearing it.

it's not that bad./ it could be so much worse. or
you should focus on what you have going for you. or
be grateful you still have [xyz]. count your blessings. or
geez, stop complaining. so many people out there have it way worse than you- you could have [situation xyz].

awesome. just what i needed to hear- a formulaic catch phrase. great. nothing cheers me up like those pearls of wisdom...

look, i get it. you are all correct. "at least i'm not starving in a back alley in a 3rd world country with no access to clean water or fresh food or a  toilet while battling some horrid life-threatening disease," right? i've never asked for a glamorous life. i just would like, for once, to catch a small break. since moving out here, i haven't had a chance to "take it easy" or to "do something for enjoyment" and while that sucks ass- in my opinion- but what really gets to me is the fact that i can't even take care of the things that really need taking care of for my own sense of health and well-being.

i'm not talking yoga here--though i would love to have the time and money to study iyengar again. no, i'm talking about problems/issues i have had to go years without fixing: both external and internal. i should be in therapy (and was for a time---can't afford it any more) and should be on drugs (the prescription, chemical imbalance-fixing kind--but can't afford those either); i should be going to acupuncture regularly (community acupuncture is much more affordable than visits to the doctor, and i believe, better for you) for my f*ed up back, tmj, migraines, cramps, and other personal issues; i should probably see a chiropractor; i have an emergency dental surgery coming up because i can't afford regular check-ups/cleanings; amd the list goes on and on and on.

i am sick of seeing/hearing of how much better (success/luck/careers/ income/ creativity/ life) everyone else i know seems to be doing. i know, logically, that just because something seems externally great doesn't mean it really is. but all my life, i was always told by others--those older than me, who i respected and admired--  how incredibly smart/ intelligent i was. how incredibly talented i was.

well, either they were lying straight to my face (which is a possibility) or life/g_d is playing a cruel trick on me (also possible) or somehow my talent/intelligence just doesn't matter in the greater scheme of life----because here i am, age 28 and a half. working 2, low-paying, part-time jobs in the service industry. with absolutely nothing to show for it: no house. no car. no "successful" (or even interesting) career. no diploma from an ivy-league school. no awards. no accomplishments. nada. zip. zilch. zero.

so what the hell is the point? when do i get my dues? i have continually worked my ass off and haven't done a single thing just for myself in at least 5 years. because i can't f*in' afford to. can't take the time off/need to make money JUST TO GET BY.

:::sigh:::

i just want to understand why. where did i go wrong???

one year ago

it is absolutely incredible to me what a difference a year can make.at this time last year, i was working a job i hated loathed. however, i was making for the first time in my "american life" a living wage ( i did as well during my time in japan, but the circumstances there were way favorable: subsidized housing among many). bills were paid in full--including the dreaded credit card--my savings account was growing, my ability to take trips was only limited by the time i could take off from work. i bought my family NICE christmas presents....

what a study in contrasts.

one year ago: a single paycheck covered rent + utilities. today: it takes 4 paychecks to equal JUST rent
one year ago: i could go home for christmas for 10 days. today: i will be working at least 2, possibly 3 jobs over break just to stay "afloat"
one year ago: i could afford "luxuries" like donation-based yoga, therapy & acupuncture today: even i could find the time to get to such things, i have to prioritize things like my upcoming root canal/dental surgery sans insurance.
one year ago: i could get or make meaningful presents for gifts today: time-factor aside, i'm only making $90/week before taxes
one year ago: my tendency to over-dramatize the fragile state of my income was gently mocked today: i seriously worry what would happen in case of any emergency... since losing my job in april (before i got the very part-time one i have now) i have incurred over $3000 in medical bills.  and they were technically non-emergencies.

i haven't had a vacation (which didn't involve either family of hosting a friend) in over 5 years. i hate to think that to pay for a single credit of my graduate education i would have to put in over 100 hours at my very-part-time job. but with the amount of schoolwork required, i feel it's near impossible to juggle 2 jobs during the academic year.

i hate feeling so helpless while at the same time knowing full well there are so many other people in this world facing greater struggles, greater suffering.

one year ago, i may have been miserable and stressed out to the max, but i was financially secure. today, my stresses are of a different nature and i don't hate my job. what to do? what to do?

stupidest assignment EVER

i am sure i have mentioned in the past just how obnoxious my language homework can be. especially since 90% of the time we get assigned for *written homework* what was supposed to be in class, oral exercises. this makes for lots of "creative" made-up questions/answers. nothing like inventing a series of answers from imaginary classmates.

for this round of homework, however, i think i was given an exercise that exemplifies/embodies just how STUPID this is. not only because um...hello, it's supposed to be an oral exercise---writing it out won't help me learn to speak the damn language--- but also because well, you'll see:

(from the textbook): ask three classmates if they are willing to do the following once they get married. add your own question. after the interview, tell the class who you want to marry and why.

okay- here comes the reasons:
1. my class is only 3 people. so i only have two classmates.
2. an interview implies you are actually asking your classmates and having them respond.
3. i am already married.
4. my classmates (all TWO of them) are both straight women, one's in a relationship.
5. i am making up their answers, so i am misrepresenting them.
6. in theory, i was supposed to physically write out each question and the response, so i'd be writing each of the 8 questions TWICE- the exact same way. (waste of time)

of the 3 other exercises i have completed in the past hour, 2 of them were supposedly "aloud" exercises using the dialog cd...but now have become written. i'm so glad i get to practice writing over and over and over....it's not like i wanted to learn to actually SPEAK the language. nah.

ode to keats

(i went and saw "bright star" yesterday- staggeringly, heart-wrenchingly beautiful film. after words, i wrote this)

fragile poet
sallow-cheeked, peak & pallid
what exquisite agony expressed
in words; clinging to my memory
as the lone remaining autumn leaf to the oak.
momentary ecstasy-
as ruinous to my delicate heart
as your tortured glances,
thick with luminous transcendence.
insipid, icy winds,
petulant in their perturbation of the oak leaf
blow.
my heart, my memory remain
eternally yours.

identity crisis

can you have an identity crisis when you are no longer sure of your identity? a lack-of-identity crisis? if so, i'm thick in the midst of one.

i want to travel back in time to when i was sure of who i am and what i wanted out of life....

when i felt comfortable in my own skin and being myself....

when i felt confident. strong. resilient...angry.


blip. blip. blip. blip. blip. blip....................

tell me all your thoughts on god....

while walking through the downtown area yesterday i had one of those moments that, for whatever reason, embeds itself in your brain. a punk-ass little preteen was goofing around with his friends when he got hurt (i guess) and exclaimed "jesus christ that hurt!" not too abnormal. besides being taken aback due to how young he was--and then remembering my old bus commute where kids even younger swore so much it made *MY* ears hurt--i began to wonder...


does the power of the words lose power if the symbolic meanings attached to them aren't there??? the area (and culture) i live in is not known for its judeo-christian background or for housing a plethora of religious institutions of the judeo-christian variety. do phrases like "jesus christ", "god damn" or even "go to hell" cease to hold as much symbolic power if the person uttering them is an atheist? a buddhist? a hindu? a pagan?

are there atheist/buddhist/hindu/pagan equivalents to judeo-christian blasphemy? do people use these terms because they learned them from television? does it mean anything to them *personally* beyond being seen as "swear words lite"?

...slipping, everythings slipping away

i don't know how much longer i can hold on. each week gets progressively more and more daunting and instead of feeling confident, i feel worn out--"like little butter over too much bread".  i can barely keep up with the readings- mainly because half of them are being posted mid-week and i don't have a printer at home. (yes, i do read them online, but then it's next to impossible to reference direct quotes/passages in class).

 by the time i get to class at night i'm so worm out my brain atrophies instead of kicking in, as it did in the beginning. other students have stepped up to participate and they have great things to say: most of them either beat me to my point or make a better one than i could have contributed. and the blackboard discussions online have become like mini-essays full of quotes and theories- i don't know how my fellow classmates find the time to write them! i consider myself lucky if i find *A SINGULAR* point i want to discuss, and it's usually that i want to discuss it--not use texts to illustrate something. it's called a "discussion board" for a reason right???

also, while my tutor thinks i'm getting a good grasp on my language, the teacher continues to pull shit out of mid-air and put it on tests without: a) ever having practiced it OR EVEN discussed it in class b) having it been practiced in homework and c) even mentioning that we should make sure to review the (to use an actual example) example sentences given when introducing new verb patterns! during our class break last night i had to leave the classroom so i could go somewhere and cry! this woman is making me hate the language!!! she doesn't seem to care that i'm "just not getting it" because the other 2 girls are---oh wait! they're still a whole year ahead of me in their study! gee....i wonder why....

i may have to re-take it next semester to get a better grade on my transcript which pisses me off for too many reasons to go into. i am so frustrated with this program- with not feeling like i am getting any support from the school OR teachers. with not knowing week to week what my homework load is going to look like so i can plan accordingly. with feeling friendless and stupid.

and now, i have to go get ready because it will take over an hour to get to my volunteer shift, from which i go directly to class. i will end up spending too much money on crappy food while the yummy stuff i have at home goes to waste because i'm never home to eat it!!!!!!

crit. hit? or crit. miss? (debuting my critical analysis)

alright, it seems i have figured out how to make this "hidden text" thing work! the ONLY snafu is: if you go to my individual entry- it won't be hidden. if you are on my main page, you have the option to expand and read.

that being said-- i am posting the critical analysis i wrote for my basic-overview class below. it has to do with textbook controversy in the asia-pacific and is in response to 4 lengthy articles we had to read. the "goal" of the paper was to show we understood the main points/insights and then to process them, looking at them critically and analyzing what we read (surprising right? who knew that's what a critical analysis was?!?!)  don't be concerned if you don't understand the particulars--if you choose to read it.

ALSO: THE BELOW PAPER IS MY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY. please please please do not plagiarize it. i will cry tears of molten lava and that will hurt....

i wrote a paper

i think it is rather brilliant. when i figure out how to post it BEHIND a link (so you can chose to read it if you want) and how to make sure someone doesn't plagiarize it before wednesday, i will put it up here.

any one know what's its called/ how to make a "link" to hide part of your post????

gender performance and the quest for self identity

the majority of my readings this week are on cultural gender identity. it's been kicking my brain's (non-existent) ass in so many ways: from acquainting myself to new perspectives to re-evaluating my own perceptions. one of the areas i find myself struggling with the most is sense of identity and gender performance.

in addition to the assigned texts, i also have gone back to some of my own books (of which i have quite an array) on gender/feminism/identity: "misogyny: the world's oldest prejudice"--which didn't have as much as i was hoping it would; and "polite lies: on being a woman caught between cultures"--which had a LOT more than i remembered...

the author, kyoko mori, writes about her experiences being a japanese woman who lives now permanently in the US mid-west. not-so-oddly much of what she writes resonates with my life experiences, but in particular, i would like to offer up one passage in particular, since it is what i have been wrestling the most with in my own life:

Personal appearance causes anxiety and insecurity because those of us who are not beautiful consider our clothes, makeup or hairstyle to be expressions or symbols of who we are, and yet our choices are burdened by cultural, societal, and sexist expectations. Personal appearance is the four-way intersection where our personal symbolism clashes with the symbolism of the culture in which we must live. For some of us, it's a head on collision, a big highway catastrophe.

those are the kind of days i have been having- second guessing/ judging myself because i find myself surround by cultural expectations of "what i should be" and then find myself embarrassed/ashamed that i'm not meeting those "standards."

the "dreaded" midterms....

so i am fairly positive i bombed my language midterm. she DID give us a blank copy to take home that- if we return it *PERFECT* we will get 10 extra points. however, if there is even one mistake (and that includes commas, one mispelling, etc.) we get BIG FAT ZERO extra points. don't think i'll be wasting my time on it. i do think, however, i will eventually have to be contesting the grade she gives me. ::sigh:: i understand life is full of challenges, but this class has a stacked deck!!!

as for my survey level class, things are going well. we had a mid-term "check in"/office appointment with our professor. he had good things to say and advice for the remaining weeks. that's always nice, right? oh- and a possible opportunity for work study next semester...woot???

week of DOOM

i wish i were a stronger person. that i could persevere in the face of difficult challenges and thrive in such an environment. that i could juggle multiple daunting tasks without feeling like an emotional train-wreck-meets-zombie.

this coming week i have a mid-term for my language class with very little idea of what i need to prepare. i was given a list of verb patterns i should know, but no idea beyond that. her quizzes have been near impossible--because instead of making them straightforward, she combines multiple elements per question. which is all fine and good for homework or in class, but on a quiz CHECK TO SEE IF YOUR STUDENTS GET THE BASICS!!!!! then move on to more challenging things.

on my last quiz, i got a 37.5/50 points, which doesn't seem to poor until you do the math:75%. i am working my ass off in this class but am at a disadvantage. if i was tested on the basics, i would *ace* it. and i need to keep a "good grade" in this class, because if you dip below a "B", you go on academic probation!

and in my other class, as fate would have it, my group has to present again. yippee! just what i needed-- the stress of reading a 400 page book, 5 30-page supplemental readings, write a 7-10 page paper and present it--ON TOP OF preparing my ass off for this midterm!!! and the "best part"-the other 2 girls in my language class don't have their group presentation this week so they can focus all their energy on the exam- while my attention is divided.

MOST AWESOME.

anyone want to knock me out so i have a reason to postpone my inevitable doom???

10 words i think are pretty

(for my dear friend and her epic battle with spideroids of DOOM)

1. juxtaposition

2. cacophonous

3. melancholy

4. betwixt

5. archaeopteryx

6. grace

7. melodious

8. odoriferous

9. dystopian

10. tanoshikatta (it was enjoyable/ i enjoyed it)

brain full. need second brain.

didn't think it was possible for a brain to "get full"--but i am at the point where, i'm not sure if i can cram much more in! i can barely remember week from week what we discussed in class, and if you wanted to ask me about the readings from over 3 weeks ago--forget it!!!

when the next 2 years are over, it will be a miracle if i could give you the gist of this class i'm currently in! i know master's programs are a step towards becoming more "specialized" in a given field of study...but if you can't remember it, how is that being specialized???

a brief entry

why oh why is there no printing services on THIS part of campus?!?!?!?!

this section of campus is on top of a huge ass hill with approx. 100 steep stairs to climb to get to the building. down those steps and one block over is the "main" part of campus where ITS resides. and the library. and the massive "study room"---**ALL** which have printers readily available. so, if i wanted to print something out (like i do) i have to pack up all my heavy shit, lug it down 100 steps, walk over to ITS, print, walk back, lug my shit UP 100 steps.....UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just don't get it....

why so non-user friendly?

food, glorious food!

i MEGAheart farmer's markets! they are a grad student's dream- well, at least this ones. where else can you stock up on amazingly fresh fruits, veggies, occasionally eggs, cheese and other asundry-ed items? and the best part? at student friendly, doesn't burn a hole in your pocket prices!!!

three cheers for market day!

here is a total list of my bounty this week: (*=organic)
- medium head of broccoli*
- medium head of cauliflower*
- large bundle of baby bok choy (pesticide-free)
- 4 sweet peppers of various colors*
- a bittermelon (pestitcide-free)
- 1/4 pound fresh shittake mushroom*
- 4 "dapple dandy" pluots*
- 4 persimmons*
- 2 "chojiro" asian pears* (they taste like butterscotch)
- 2 "shinseki" asian pears* (crispy and apple-like)
- 2 heads of garlic*
- 2 small eggplant*
- bundle of "tokyo" turnips*
- spicy cheese curds* (free-range, grass-fed happy cows!)
- 1/2 gallon of gravenstein apple cider*

and the grand total for this veritable feast?? $38.00!!!!!!

yay!

simply unpoetic

i want to write brilliantly. the kind of writing that just flows onto the pages, melodic and easy to read. that makes people want to keep reading. that inspires them to think. to respond.

i used to have it in me. now, i don't so much.

i follow other blogs that are way more entertaining/ witty/ verbose.

maybe i just don't have anything interesting to write about.

maybe, in my attempt to keep some sense of anonymity, i lose the power of what i could be saying?

maybe i need to shower and load up on B vitamins....

i never thought that being a student again could physically and mentally drain me as much as it does. i feel like a robo-zombie by the end of the day wednesday and then, thursday, its "start on homework day" so it can all be done for the following tuesday.

will i really have to wait until december for some quality "me time"???

group work migraines

sigh.

i usually love group work. i do. i enjoy the collaborative process- the uniting of different perspectives to reach the same ultimate outcome: a cohesive project. but right now, i just want to smash open my head with a hammer.

i have a lovely group. great people. smart. insightful. unfortunately, i am the only native english speaker- which doesn't usually make a huge difference. they are all excellent students (well, maybe not all, but i'm trying hard to not jump to rash, hastily drawn conclusions) but it's super super difficult for them to write formal responses in their 2nd language to passages they had to read (and usually decipher *from*) their 2nd language! and understandably so--if i had to write a paper in Japanese or French, it would sound like a mentally deficient Kindergarten-er had written it!!!

so how do i, who is rather competitive when it comes to class performance, juggle the fact that the other sections may not "live up to my standards"? and does the professor take into account the fact that, in a group, only one of the students is used to and comfortable with written papers and presentations in English? is it okay to ask the professor that? and how does one do it in a tactful manner??

OY VEY. i feel like shit 'complaining' about something that is so unchangeable and culture-ist (is that a term? it should be!!) of me. i'm going to go hang my head in shame now....

like charlie brown...

...an overwhelming wave of self-pity is slowly consuming my thoughts, as of late.

i want to be somewhere else- not stuck here for the remainder of my grad program. i read about where my friends are (either in life, or quite literally where they are in the world) both via blogs and the ubiquitous facebook and wish i was the one having the grand adventures. i realise that going back to school and pursuing further knowledge is an adventure in itself, but one that- at least for the time being- requires me to a) stay physically put, in close proximity to school and b) makes "responsible" decisions that are affected directly by the fact i have to remain put.

no taking long trips- can't afford them, can't miss class/work, who'd watch the kittens?

must have at least one source of income- to afford staples/ rent/ food/etc. which means no long trips

no "me time"- have to do homework, read class materials, spend time in transit to/from class

can't afford a car- so it takes forever to get anywhere, also prevents day trips of any kind

local friends are all busy- in school/work/etc. and right now, all have more income

GOOD GRIEF.

anyone have a football???

a short one

sometimes i wonder if maybe i'm "too old" to do this. even though i'm usually up quite late at night, on school nights, i'm already exhausted by the time i arrive at class (6 pm). when class is over at 10, i barely feel like i can walk, let alone talk/ think/ reason/ get myself home properly.

and when i do get home, the migraine that has blown itself out of proportion keeps me up half the night, medicated or no.

someone needs to rally for creating an 8 day week...g_d knows i could use a day of rest, too.

feeling smart and sassy

question of the week: is there such a thing as over-participation in class? i have so much to say and am geekily excited about everything i'm learning, at times it feels like i'm going to explode while waiting for my turn to speak in class. (that is, when other people actually speak up).

my point being, does there come a point when i am being TOO active? i don't babble on for ever, but it feels like i always have a response to what other students share or another point i want to raise or quotations to back things up....

i don't want to get the reputation of "oh there she goes again..." or of being a brown-noser, but i also want to make sure i'm not imposing upon myself restrictions and self-editing. that process is so detrimental to my psyche and really fucks with self-esteem, you know? i had waaaaay too much of self-editing for "politeness" sake when i lived in japan and it really did a number on me! never EVER again.

of a "certain age"

well huh. i guess this can be recorded here if for nothing else than posterity's sake. but, since it has happened within the context of my being a graduate student and life *surrounding* being a graduate student---> it works as part of this blog.

this past week, i have been put into two drastically different categories of age. neither one, terribly insulting but both troublesome. i have been thought to be a teenager. i have been thought to be a "mother" (and no, not a teenage-mom)

situation a: i volunteer part time. this past week, we had a new volunteer. we did the slightly awkward "tell me about yourself and why you decided to volunteer here" thing. i mention in passing i'm married (or made reference to my husband). she gets this blank, wide-eyed look- but i'm used to this. she then asks how long we've been married. 'oh, about 4 and a half years now.' the look turns to shock and she sputters out: "can i ask how old you are?" 28. relief passes over her and in a very kind, and flattering tone she quips: 'you look like you're still in high school!"

high school

situations b& c: (a 2 part-er)

part b:quick, necessary background info- spousal unit and i have missed like 2 months of church due to busy-ness/oversleeping and laziness. we're finally back this week. older lady says to spouse: "oh i see you're back finally. did you have your baby?" gah-what now?!?! there were a few times i had older women ask me if i was pregnant (which i don't get, beyond the fact i own an abundance of 'peasant' style tops) but WTF?!?!

part c: i'm sitting on the bus, on my way to class and my ridiculously heavy backpack is in the seat next to me. I get up to leave the bus, and when putting my backpack on, the woman seated across from me asks: "Is that your daughter's backpack?" HUH?! first of all, why would you even assume it belongs to a daughter and not me, who's getting off at the stop in front of a college??!! second, i look old enough to have a kid in school????

i just don't get it...

ack! laziness onset already???

i don't WANT to be lazy and "take it easy", but here i am, with 3 readings left to do and no desire to start them. they may be incredibly interesting (the first 2 weren't) but what has me the most hung up on right now is i don't have a "hard"(a.k.a. physical) copy of them--2 are adobe pdf files and the other copy/pasted from the internet into open office.

i have no home printer right now, so that rules that out, and considering class is once a week (wednesday nights) and the professor doesn't post the readings before class, i can't print them out easily while on campus. ::sigh:: part of me is even torn that i *HAVE* to print them out- i hate the waste of paper! sure it makes underlining and highlighting easier but what would make my world, would be the ability to go into the documents, highlight/circle/star/underline the important parts, and then go print off the final product.

i have tried having both adobe open and open office so i can type parts i find relevant and quotes (which is what we have to prepare for class: find the main points of each reading and back it up with quotes that support or even disprove the points--to be used to help facilitate in class discussion). that way, i could cut/paste the quotes from the adobe INTO my prep-work and would find summarizing/paraphrasing less taxing--i'm so hung up on the not-being-able-to-move/remove-anything-from-adobe right now. yes, a faulty quirk, i know.

why am i having such a tough time making myself just DO THE READINGS already? why is digital medium for reading texts so obnoxious? and why am i having such difficulty finding relevance this week compared to last week?????

ACK!!!!!!!

any helpful hints, post-grads???

eat real food...

i am officially APPALLED at the food choices on campus! yes, it has been 6 years since undergrad, but i had hoped that dining choices had been expanded...or if nothing else, at least stayed the same.

backing up, let me give you some context- at my undergrad college (a student body of approx. 4000) there were 3 main dining choices (there are now at least 4): 2 dining halls and a cafe style/grab-and-go place. The dining halls had multiple options/sections: hot food (meat/fish, starch, veggies), a salad bar, a "themed" section (ethnic cuisine), a sandwich/panini bar, desserts, and of course, the cereal section. There were definitely options if you were a vegetarian but not really if you were vegan. the cafe/grab-and-go had more 'crappy' options: burgers, fries, pizza, nachos, candy, chips, ice cream and some healthier stuff: granola bars, yogurt, fresh fruit/fruit cups, veggies and dip/hummus. you didn't *HAVE* to eat well, but if you preferred healthy food, there was plenty of it to choose from.

fast forward to now: i attend a university in a area of the US that has an infinite growing season (sure from oct- feb it;s only kale, leeks and oranges) with tons of fresh, organic produce available not only at every grocery store, but there is pretty much a neighborhood farmer's market every day of the week. you would think that, given that the undergraduate student body is required to a) live on campus and b)have a meal plan and that there are graduate students commuting for evening classes, that the variety would be plentiful and healthy.

NOPE. there are only 2 dining halls on the entire campus (one at the top of a ridiculously steep hill) but the one that's open late basically only serves crap!!! my "healthy choices" are fresh fruit (but only some of it is organic, and the bananas are NOT fair trade even though all the coffee is both organic and fair trade) and sushi...which isn't vegetarian. i'm okay eating fish occasionally but only when i know for a fact that it's not farm raised and is sustainable. everything else is deep-fried, burgers, fries, pizza, taco salad, warm pretzels, ice cream, candy bars, soda....junkJUNKJUNK!!! with tons of high fructose corn syrup.

what's a girl to do? more importantly, what about the undergrads who ARE vegetarian/vegan/ allergic to gluten, etc.?????

mustard on a lightbulb

a friend of mine once coined that phrase "like mustard on a lightbulb", as in "like a kid in a candy shop" or "like white on rice". as if putting mustard on a lightbulb were simple. easy. uncomplicated. not to argue with the one who basically invented this phrase, but i'd like to further expand it to mean- something that may be easy to do, but fruitless/pointless and then finally, frustrating because you can no longer use it.

this is exactly how i feel about the hours i spent studying today--on top of the 2-3 hours spent each day since thursday studying for that damn language class!!!

it would be one thing if this were the only class i was taking- i'd be able to focus on it solely/ pour all my energy into mastering what i am trying to make up for. but alas, grad school doesn't work that way...and even though my teacher seemed understanding of how far removed my skills were from the other students, it's becoming apparent that i am in **WAY** over my head.

to use an analogy: it's like you have just successfully read "hop on pop" (or other super-basic dr. seuss book) in the language that you are studying and you feel on top of the world, like you can conquer anything. and then you get to class and are expected to be able to read/write/translate Shakespeare in the same language....

i am in no way trying to undermine my ability to rise to a challenge but---it ain't gonna happen and i don't know what to do next. do i ask if it's too late to transfer DOWN to the beginning level class? (because that, sadly, is the only other option that may possibly be available to me at this point in time) or do i get increasing overwhelmed by the amount of "makeup" a.k.a. REDO homework that i have to fix on top of the current weeks homework, vocabulary, listening comprehension, quiz prep and translation project??

head full...words failing...

tonight i have my first quiz! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!

my head is so crammed full of verbs tenses, patterns, conjugations of adjectives AND nouns (that's right folks---nouns!) i can only hope now that all my studying will come to fruition and i can do my best! hopefully it will just be a quiz on the tenses, not on the other vocabulary i supposedly should have learned.....

eep.

oh the places you will go

i accomplished so frakin' much today and feel like a ROCKSTAR. there is seriously nothing more satisfactory than getting work done and feeling like you may actually understand what you are doing. 2 of my 4 supplementary readings: read. responses: written, but informally. i'm waiting to hear back from the prof if they need to be formalized. verb chat for studying-common present positive, common past positive, common present negative, past common negative, imperative and formal tenses: DONE.

and i even had time to do the dishes and make a casserole.

i am a goddess!!!!!!

make new friends, but keep the old...

is it silly how giddy i get when my new classmates friend me on facebook?

maybe just a little....but i like them, so it's okay.

second thoughts...

there are moments when i more than second guess myself- and today i am having one GIANT "what-the-frack-am-i-doing?" day.

here's why (in brief):

- i cried IN CLASS last night because i just couldn't "get" the conjugation patterns. and it was still a 'review' class.

- i haven't figured out yet if my unemployment checks have been "frozen" on account of sheer stupidity.

- my brain hurts.

- i feel so emotionally exhausted from trying to keep up that i was out cold last night from 11:30 until 10:45 this morning. i haven't slept like that since i was like, 5.

- i hardly get to see my spousal unit- unless i visit him at work. i don't want to be one of those couples that gets driven apart because we never see each other/ have quality time together.

- i can't imagine how i would potentially balance a job and school work- and i'm only a week in.

i know logically, i shouldn't second guess myself, but there is a huge part of me that wants to turn and RUN the other way. to move somewhere "affordable" (read: rent is under $800/month) that has a stable job market instead of squeaking by on one part-time job and student loans in an ass-expensive location with a dying job market....

why did i have to pick now to go back???

the "other class" and night 2 of language, coming up...

aside from the many frustrations i am having with my language component- there *IS* another class i have to take this semester: 601...basically a survey/introductory course to the program. and this class, i am thrilled about. the professor seems very genuine and is incredibly, academically armed to teach. besides getting his ph.d. in historiography(!) he heads multiple committees, is involved with several big time nonprofits and academic journals AND is an amateur film buff. gotta love it.

i am still having issues with not getting any assistance from people on campus figuring out why my card won't let me into the LIBRARY and why my netbook doesn't want to connect to the internet. i must have the wrong login/password combo but the damn school has given us at least 3, and none of them related! terribly unhelpful.

managed to get my homework for tonight's 2nd language class done--i'm not sure it's correct at all. BUT i am giving it my best try and i hope, in a class of three students, that will count for something.

oh and one of my classmates was kind enough to actually point out where the bookstore is and where the "grab and go" cafe is...yay!

financial freeze?!?!

so i get a letter in the mail today from the official unemployment services. it's about a phone interview that i MUST have---on october first! the last time i had a phone interview, my unemployment benefits were frozen until after the interview had been conducted and i was deemed "worthy" of receiving them.

now i'm beginning to freak out: why did i get this now? the list of questions on the back, included pamphlet and added letter all pertain to "work-related training". ie. am i still eligible to receive benefits while attending....

what?! the only thing i can think of is on the official form i have to fill out and send every other week there is a question that asks: "did you begin any kind of school or training?" i must have answered YES (being the honest person i am, i began graduate school...duh.) and now i have to wait for them to determine if i can still meet the requirements while a full-time student?!?!??!

so, by returning to school, i can't get the money i need to go back to school? a logical fallacy. and i have to wait an ENTIRE month's time---during which i don't have income-- for them to make a phone call and ask me questions, after which (and this is the best part) if i *am* still determined eligible, i have to get a letter signed and send it to them!!!!!!

i hardly have enough time to do my frickin' homework and get to and from class, how am i supposed to hyper-actively pursue a means of income as well???

believe me, i have been looking for work. i check work postings daily, send out (on average) 2 resumes a week--usually more---and since losing my job in APRIL i have only been called in for 4 (yes, that's F-O-U-R) interviews! and obviously none have hired me!!! because i was going back to school.

this is so fucked up.

so much for that "high"...

after class last night, i actually felt semi-remotely confident that i would be able to struggle and keep up with the more advanced language students. i even felt fairly assured that the homework would be a relative breeze. HA!

i have now been working on a SINGLE worksheet of what is supposed to be review for over 2.5 hours. there are no instructions, just "follow the pattern"- patterns we briefly went over in class. but now, in the real world i am staring at the fucking sheet of paper confused as all get out as to what EXACTLY i am supposed to do!!!

i know i should just walk away, take a break, *breathe**breathe**BREATHE* but i feel so defeated just giving up on it, because i know i won't understand it any later on. and it's due thursday! THIS thursday. i hate feeling so incompetent...and even though i know the teacher knows i'm "behind", i don't know how to get the help i need!

supposedly there are language tutors on campus but campus is an hour/ hour and a half transit ride away....and where do i go? (see yesterdays entry about lack of campus info available)

F%&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sha ka khan!!!!

first class---DOWN! i deliberately went to campus early to try and print off the handouts and lo-and-behold, my ID card wouldn't let me into the library! WTF?!?! seriously now. my ID let me into the office for my grad program but *not* the library???!?! grrrrr....

and i'd go visit IT, except that, my school's campus doesn't have a single map/directory in sight. you can find one online but guess what??? my shiny new netbook could connect to the internet because i don't know my ID and password.

why? because my ID is my student ID # which, for some bizarro reason, isn't on my student ID card? huh? really?!?! and....where *IS* my student ID #???in an email, which i can't access. fucknuggets!!!

but, on the POSITIVE side (because i promised aunt p it wouldn't all be depressing)- i rocked the shit out of my language class. okay, so not REALLY but...i didn't feel totally lost and...i even knew/remember some things that the other 2 girls didn't so i felt pretty good about that. while i'm not totally confident about where my skills are currently at, i feel alright going forward....:::sigh:::

and that's a good feeling....

i should be doing "homework".

tomorrow's it: "G-DAY". the day i officially start graduate school. i honestly don't know if i will be able to sleep tonight. i am supposed to go to a class where, when looking over the review sheet my only reaction was: WTF!?!?! i suppose that's what i get for auditing this language in undergrad, never "officially" studying it, but having a brain capable enough to (6 years later) test into the more advanced group. yikes! everyone i know says it will be fine once i'm actually in class. that it will force me to push myself, learn it quickly and be challenged--which is how i learn best. but the doubt monster in my mind keeps chanting: you will fail. you will fail. you will fail. thanks, doubt monster.

and for wednesday, which is my NON-language class, i am supposed to have 4 chapters of 2 separate books read. i managed to read one in each yesterday and today am not feeling motivated to open either of them up. particularly the one that is the poorly organized, non-time-linear, history book. the other is fascinating, but miles away at my apartment.

i have amazing, intelligent, thoughtful friends...

i know i have this listed under blogs i follow, but i would like to draw special attention to this post by my amazing friend E on self-image and body-identity issues.

as always, her verbosity astounds me, especially since this is actually an issue that even i struggle with. i have never found my body attractive/appealing to myself. yes, i have outside validation of my looks, but the internal outlook has never been positive.

it's not that i find myselfunattractive i just don't find myself particularly ANYTHING "positive": pretty/cute/beautiful/sexy/what-have you.

for me, it has always been a struggle with ME- inwardly- i try so hard not to compare myself to cultural standards of beauty. i don't particularly care what's "in": current fashion, hairstyles, makeup, shaving, etc. and yet, i don't find anything appealing about myself and wonder if it's a greater part of cultural ideal after all.

bleck.

it's getting hot in here...

today was (to borrow a term i rather dislike) hella hot. guzzling-down-water, browsing-through-air-conditioned-stores, stopping-for-ice-cream kind of hot. now, logically i know from living here the past 2 years it gets hot from the end of august until mid-october. but his was different. this was soupy, mid-west heat. the kind i grew up with.

the weather, combined with the fact that i just finished "planet earth" through netflix, has me itchy crazy about the fact that there are seriously people out there who don't believe in global warming! c'mon people! and don't give me that: but we've had one of the coolest/coldest summers yet... global warming doesn't JUST make everything hot- no no. it messes with regular weather patterns. it brings hurricanes and typhoons. and droughts. and cold spells when it should be hot. and heat waves when it should be cool.

i think the most blatant evidence of this can be found when looking at the polar ice caps. bear with me folks. here's an image of the polar ice caps from today's date 1979 and here's the exact same location august 27, 2009 (thanks to the university of illinois- cryosphere today). notice the 5 of polar ice concentration- how thick it is, how far it spans.

staggering, isn't it???

short-changed chump??

when preparing to go back to school, one needs to make MANY purchases. some more astronomical than others (language textbook- i'm talkin' about you) . in order to do that, one needs finances. when said person is totally dependant on the state for income--it bites.

today i got my unemployment check and for some reason it was only ONE WEEK'S worth of "pay". with no explanation as to why. did i not fill out my paper work properly? did it arrive too late? did i accidentally go "outside the box" when marking my required paper work and thereby lost half my needed money??? who do i report this to? can i report it? can i get that money? the list of questions goes on and on.

i feel like a chump, because i swore i filled everything out, double-checking for no errors because this IS my income. and it's not a whole lot. with rent coming up and an accidental overdue bill, plus textbooks and [probably should purchase a netbook] other expenses, one tiny fuck up can mean the difference between getting by or not.

i just hope that next time, it won't do this. i'll let my spousal unit double check- make sure i'm not losing it.

let's start at the very beginning...

a very good place to start.

after 6 years of "life experience" i head back to obtain my M.A. starting this monday. already i have had 2 MAJOR panic attacks, multiple minor ones, migraines and night-uopn-night of restless sleep.

the MAJOR attacks were brought on by things outside of my control: class changing it's start date (twice), and a ginormous brouhaha over my language placement and would i (or wouldn't i) have a professor. awesome.

minor attacks brought on by: price of textbooks, price of 'accessories' (pens, pencils, highlighters, file folders, etc.), pricing a netbook for class use, realizing i'm going to have to buy a new printer, being put in a language class *quite* above my ability, having textbooks arrive later than i needed, trying to get books read, trying to catch up in my language and...OH YEAH...class doesn't start until monday.

plus, there is the added stresses of: not having a job (since april- thanks a lot economy), not getting enough financial aid because last year i HAD a job that made decent-ish money, not finding any outside scholarships, not being able to find a new job because none of the ones available make enough money (due to being a student first, i will be returning to work PART time, and part time jobs pay crap.) and the 10 or so interviews i've had since april have not panned out, due to my going back to school. woot.

oh yeah- and- to top it all off my gas/electric bill claims i never paid for july, but i have the carbon check copy that's from that month! WTF?!?! how do i begin to contest that?

ACK!!!!!!

i need rosetta stone mechanically embedded in my brain.