are we really still THIS shallow?

rarely do i take the time to muse on things that anger me. i mean, REALLY rile me up. {unless, of course, i am directly affected by something} however, seeing as i am in a liminal space- transitioning from one thing to the next- i came across an article today that really pissed me off.

how is this still considered okay?!?! <---- in this op ed./"real life" piece in jezebel, i was absolutely flored by the number of women who are pressured {either verbally outright or subliminally peer-pressured} to change their appearance to conform to some standard of beauty. while some consider it a type of "dress up", the stories of women who have lost their jobs for not wearing makeup or having the "right" outfit or doing their hair the "right way" {or having it too short!?!?!} is absolutely mind blowing!!!

it is one thing when a uniform is part of a job. or terms of employment are in place in some form of dress code {no visible tattoos, no unnatural hair colorurs, etc., which i personally think is bullshit}, but it is completely different to expect ANYONE to dress/look/act a certain way in order to keep their job, or to grow in their given field. as long as nothing impedes a person from doing a good job, why the fuck should it matter whether or not they wear makeup or color their hair or have "unusual" piercings or wear retro clothing or whatever.

it makes me lose hope that i will ever find something more than an hourly-wage job because i am completely unwilling to conform, to change who i am for someone else.

accumulation {and letting go}

in this whole moving process, nothing so far has been more satisfactory than going through large boxes of crap and determining what stays, what goes, and what gets donated.  it amazes me how much stuff just accumulates--especially unimportant stuff. also, the therapeutic power of dumping papers and books and odds/ends which have a negative history feels so liberating! being able to ask honestly: "do i really need this?" and being able to say "no" is quite nice too.

now, if only there was a quick and relatively painless/time non-intensive way to make some cash for items that are actually worth something...i may just have to bite the bullet and list a few things on craigslist.

things that currently terrify me

i debated whether or not i was going to make this entry. not only because it has been so long since my last update that i fear no one will even read this, but also because i feel it is testing the limits of my own boundaries of public vs. private life.

suffice it to say, it has come to a point where, i have no other outlet in which i can turn to for "help": my parents never quite "get it", my spouse has many of the same fears/terrors as i do and already bears so much for me, my circle of friends/acquaintances, i fear, see me as a pessimistic naysayer---and i don't feel i can share this/ talk about all this with anyone directly. this is NOT to gain sympathy or pity. it is to get my anger/rage/frustration out at a situation which feels insurmountable. so here i go.

warning: below page break exists all the shit i'm dealing with. if you really don't want to know what is going on, it's cool, just don't read on. if you *DO*, consider this fair warning.

things are a foot!

i won't go into much detail here- in part because this is my public forum and in part because i don't want to inadvertantly jinx things- but there are...stirrings. things are moving in a direction that is (hopefully) positive and fulfilling. slowly moving but moving none-the-less. i hope they will be coming to fruition by T's birthday (early october).

for more details keep checking in, or, if you have access to my private blog, go there for more info!

an open letter to the state of XX

look, i know there isn't much money right now for anyone or anything. in fact, you seem to be in a bit of a pickle yourself: closing state parks, entire cities filing for bankruptcy, public schools being shut down....


seriously though, all i want to know is how you figure the monetary amount for supplementary nutritional assistance. how is it that 2 adults with a *COMBINED* income of just over $800/month (who pay almost $900/month for rent), only qualify for half the "full amount" of aid???!!! (about $275 is the full amount btw)


i get the system is broken, and believe me, i would love to move out of this stupid state but shocker shocker, we simply can't afford too!!!


gee thanks, state of XX, for making our lives miserable.

things are manifesting {cross-posted from my "less public" blog}

which means, of course, i haven't been writing. but i will be soon. honest. in the meantime, BRIEF bringing y'all up to speed:

- job is going well.
- i'm using my health care and taking care of myself bit by bit
- seeing a rad-tacular somatic therapist
- yoga work-trade is amazing
- possibility of a new living space/place is at 95% (just need to figure out the logistics)

day by day my friends, day by day.

525,600 minutes...{how do you measure, measure a year?}

this weekend marks exactly ONE YEAR since i "graduated" and it has left me thinking about everything that has (and hasn't) happened since that pivotal day. so i thought, to bring my readers up to speed--since it has been a long while since i updated-- to do it by numbers.

1--> the approximate number of weeks after my graduation ceremony before my spousal unit *SHATTERED* his left leg/knee/tibial plateau.
5+--> days in the hospital after the first surgery
3--> days in the hospital after the second surgery
3--> surgeries in total
4+--> months in which the spousal unit was completely bed-ridden
11 and counting--> months of recovery until gaining "full use" of his leg again
2--> times he had his health insurance taken away from him by his employer because he wasn't "earning it" (um....broke his leg DUH)
4--> different jobs i've had since graduation
1-->awesome, yet sadly temporary, internship
4+--> months where i was unemployed, thanks to the aforementioned employer who took spousal unit's insurance away
2--> months i had to battle them to collect EDD benefits
6-->months on SNAP (food stamps)
20+--> resumes/cover letters sent out for jobs/positions that were more than entry level
50+--> other jobs applied for
4--> "thanks for applying but we'll pass" letters received in total from all jobs/positions tried for
1--> amazing child that i nanny-share for once a week
3--> interviews (2 for retail positions, 1 for a "real grown up" job)
1-->job finally found!
7--> years of marriage celebrated, despite all the past year's hardships!!!!

and many, many, many other things....

just a quick update

for those of you who still are checking in with me--- i have started a side project.

an unedited, no bars held back, more personal blog.

if you know me in real life and want an invite, let me know. i may send you one. i may not. i may update the personal one. i may use it for myself only. i haven't decided yet.

later.

PANIC (at the disco!)

t-minus one week until graduation. so many things left to accomplish/square away and feeling awash in the quagmire of panic. in order of importance:

1. write my paper for politics (hopefully accomplished by tuesday)
2. complete the online federal loan exit survey, or my grades will not be released :(
3. Project proposal for my other class--a blessedly short write up
4. try to do one more update of my project before having to present it on thursday
5. FIGURE OUT SUMMER LANGUAGE!!!---> things that are impeding my search:
    A. the above numbers, 1-4
    B. It needs to be at least four credits (most i can find are 3)
    C. it needs to work with/around my work schedule.I need to work at least 4 days a week. shifts at work   are either 11-4 OR 4-9.  everything i have found out there so far would not allow me to work as much as i need to, there by making living/eating/paying rent a pain in the arse.
    D. If i don't find one that can give me 4 credits, i will NOT receive my diploma
    E. ideally, i would *like* to continue studying japanese (since, you know, i'd like to actually get proficient at it) but institutions around here only offer intro levels over the summer. or 3-credit classes.

i'm having a hard time keeping food down and sleeping with regularity. when i do sleep, i'm addled with dreams that are bordering on night terrors. i know to try and breathe and take one day at a time, but this feels like an epic crux/ turning point in my life and why the frak can't things just fall into place a little bit better??? this langauge thing has been a pain in my ass since the begining.

panicky panic

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

project. paper. no direction. 9 days. sleep??? eat?? must register for summer. graduate?

may 20th, 2011-->mark your calendar!

i have been (keep your fingers crossed!) granted permission to participate in graduation! i can walk with my co-horts! woot! double woot! triple woot!

now, all i have to do to get the damn diploma is: 1. write a 20 page paper for one class 2. come up with and execute a prject on policy change for my other class 3. find a VIABLE summer language class ( i have one in the works, it still needs to be approved, then finagled from 3 credits to 4 credits) 4. finish the summer class 5. get my diploma

can i do it folks, with less than a month to go??? will i sleep? will i lose my sanity? will i drrive my family and friends up the wall?

JAPAN--->part 2

if you watched the video posted in my last update, you will know that it is a multi-part project.

Here's PART 2

please please PLEASE take the time to watch it (3 minutes!) and re-blog, tweet, facebook, email it to as many people you know. for reals.

and i promise a more academically related post in the near future. this "final semester" is really taking its toll on me.

Let's Help JAPAN!!!!!!

JPRI Japan Relief Fund w/ Give2Asia

JPRI (Japan Policy Research Institute) in collaboration with Give2Asia (a highly respected organization that works DIRECTLY with locally-based NGOs) has created a fund which will go directly to locally-based aid efforts on the ground in Japan.

Unlike many other aid organizations, one of the awesome criteria of Give2Asia is that relief supplies must be bought in the LOCAL COMMUNITY. that's right--->supporting retailers, groceries, doctors, hospitals, etc. who are in the effected disaster zone. by utilizing this approach, not only are immediate needs being met, but the local economy is strengthen, providing for the future.

i must be getting old

i am currently at an on-campus event (NOT required) but related to one of my papers this semester. it is a lecture/round table discussion on the "global and local perspectives on the politics of pregnancy."

fascinating, right?

no HUGE surprise 95% of the crowd is female...however i can't get over how "exposed" these girls are. and frilly/female in what i consider a stereotypical way. so many plunging necklines, skintight clothing, short/tight skirts, etc. and all i can think is: "you are worth so much more. you don't need to flaunt your legs/boobs/etc. " it makes me feel like a curmudgeonly old cynical bitch.

:::sigh:::

i've been here too long

earlier today i was contemplating (aka day-dreaming) about other spaces and places i'd like to be/travel/live and had a jarring realization:  i would have to trade many of my "creature comforts" and settle for status-quo items i don't know if i believe in supporting. without trying to sound so vague, let me break it down for those of you reading along:

unless i end up in an english-speaking (or eu associated) country, there are many items i currently purchase in what i believe to be an ethical manner, that i'd be hard put to find an equivalent of.  ecologically-friendly: shampoo/conditioner, household cleaners, laundry detergent, chlorine-free bleach, soap, dish detergent, cat litter, toothpaste, deodorant, etc.

food-wise: ethically raised/produced meat, eggs and cheese; sustainableANDlocalANDorganic fruits and veggies; tempeh, grains and nuts from within a reasonable distance and again, preferably organic; holistic cat-food and treats; sustainable sea food; locally roasted, ethically purchased coffee, etc.

there are so many other things too, that i just take for granted that i buy and am proud to support the people who produce them. if i were to move back to the country of my heart (japan) all of this would be complicated by the fact that, while many of these things--if not all of them-- ARE available, but through ex-pat mail-order/internet services that ship these items from other countries, thus negating the sustainability. ARGH!!!!!

gorram it all

apparently i am supposed to have a fairly concrete idea as to what i am writing my research paper on for one of my classes already. suffice it to say, i barely have an idea as to WHAT the *class* is all about, so how am i supposed to have an idea for a paper? additionally, for the 3rd week in a row, all the discussion questions for class are pointed in the same direction--> blahblahblah china blahblahblah egypt/jordan/bahrain blahblahblah...

i have been faithfully keeping up with the readings, though i could barely say what i got from any of them. i'm sick of circular "debates" in the classroom. i want to discuss other countries/ theories/ topics...but noooooooooo. it's all about china. china's powerful. china's scary. china's a bully. OH WAIT.

didn't britain say the same thing as it was waning and the u.s. was rising to power? and didn't the u.s. say the same exact things about japan back in the 80's/early 90's? i want to know about the other issues affecting international relations/politics!!!!!!!!!

the tudors = more interesting than school

no surprise there.

however, that being said, it becomes a problem when i'd rather sit in front of a screen and watch over-the-top shows in my PJs than even think about school. seriously, if i wasn't this close to being done, i'd drop out.

in other NON-school related news, on my bus ride out to campus today, the dude sitting behind me was totally cutting a fairly large bag of (i presume) cocaine with baking soda. either that, or he was transferring it INTO the baking soda box to be less conspicuous...on a bus...in public. oh the joys of public transportation.

ADDENDUM:

i am typing this from class. while the discussion is going semi-well, what it boils down to is this man likes to hear himself talk WAAAAAAY too much. it eats up class time because he has to interject so often to listen to himself

in class. yup.

i'm sitting in class. wishing i was at a bar or at home or watching a movie....

this class gives me a migraine.

manic pixie dream girl me

without the whole shallow, looking to fulfill some dude's utter happiness whilst ignoring my own.

but seriously, how is it that in my LAST semester i utterly totally and completely have lost interest in getting this degree? in going to class? in trying to challenge myself? i'd rather just go about doing my job, finding another, volunteering, farmer's market-ing, cooking/baking at home, loving my cats, crafting, reading for pleasure---> all for the rest of my life. maybe learn how to can and make preserves and shit like that.

i see what other people my age have accomplished and what i'm doing *PALES* in comparison: so why do i bother? i'm not asking you, dear reader, for the answer. my problem is  i don't have an answer. i have no idea why i'm getting this degree. or thinking about getting one after it. i have no clue what type of "career" i want. i have no goals for what i hope to achieve. i have no desire/drive to be published, go to conferences, network, etc. so why the fuck am i still dragging myself 2-hours-via-transit away to be in a program i find utterly overwhelming and yet, utterly under-performing to my expectations!!!!

i'm so sick of feeling like i want to crawl in a cave and just stay there permanently...which is how i feel when i think about school.

realism? liberalism? constructivism? whogivesadamnism!!!!

my brain is brimming with international relations theory. HELP!!!!

while it's all well and good to understand, with only one week of class/readings behind me i can tell you one thing for sure---theory schemeory.

there is NO one "correct" theory/practice/policy and the more people try to insist that there way is more productive than the others, the less shit is going to get done in this world. take the strengths from each, blend a bit and tweak thing that ACTUALLY works---in practice NOT just in theory and forget about who got it "right" and who didn't. geez people...get over your collective selves.