it's the final countdown!

(and no, i'm not going to make a yacht disappear)

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, begins the "final" semester of my master's program. i am both feeling terribly thrilled to be back in the classroom, and at the same time, utterly terrified.

perhaps it's just back to school jitters, but i think it's more than that. faced with still NO IDEA what i'm going to do with this degree once i receive it *and* after having finally got to a point last semester where i was feeling comfortable with myself, my peers, and balancing the social and the academic...i find myself back at "square one".

somehow, during the last last 3 weeks or so of last semester, i managed to alienate the classmate i felt the closest to. i am not 100% sure what i did, only that it was bad enough to be given the cold shoulder, no longer traveling back home accompanied by them as well as (and this surprisingly hurt the most) being pretty much banned from their facebook account.  the only thing i can possibly think of is that i said something so offensive...but i can't think of what. and that's what worries me. i know i could/ should say something to this person like: whatever it was i did, i'm so sorry. but the fact that i can't remember/don't know means i can't be sorry without knowing what i'm sorry for. and i'm afraid that by asking, i'll give the impression that i'm too much of an ass to know/ remember what i did. **AND** i'm also terrified that other classmates will have been told something and will also cut me off.

jeez. i went (in life) from being uber extroverted and unconcerned as to what others thought of me to being a total wallflower, desperate for peer approval.

twentyten

here's to a prosperous new year to all!


i have never been one for making resolutions. but this year/this decade feels auspiciously perfect for new beginnings. so, while i would hesitate to call the below "resolutions", i will think of them as steps/guidelines for living abundantly in this new year.

1. nurture my creative spirit (even if it's only on the small scale): i managed  to score a copy of "the artists way" for $1 at the creative reuse depot. while i can't guarantee that i will follow it religiously, i think using it as a tool may be helpful. the part about artist dates in particular. i have no "goal" of finishing it in the 12-week manner it proponents but i will be working my way through it.

2. make better choices in taking care of myself: this one will require lots of baby steps and covers a range of issues. from making sure that i eat when i feel hungry (and not just ignore it) to staying properly hydrated. also things like following through on regular or semi-regular acupuncture, learning to like/accept myself/ compliment myself/ get my mojo back, consuming less (in the consumerism sense) and consuming less of things that are bad for me.

3. re-find my faith. in myself. in g_d. in humanity. in the greater good. in optimism. this on is also a tall order. it helps that, when the semester begins, my main class will be on asian philosophy and religion. what a great place to start! as for the others, with all the other work i'll be doing, i can only hope they will fall into place---but i'm not expecting miracles. it's hard to have any amount of faith in humanity as a whole--the minute something amazing and awe inspiring happens, giving me hope that people *don't* suck, i get reminded of the fact that people close to me believe any of the following: that sarah palin would make a great vicepresidential candidate; that our current president is a secret muslim terrorist because he won't 'support' the national day of prayer; that there is NO SUCH THING as global warming, etc. etc. etc.

here is to new beginnings!

10 words i think are pretty

(for my dear friend and her epic battle with spideroids of DOOM)

1. juxtaposition

2. cacophonous

3. melancholy

4. betwixt

5. archaeopteryx

6. grace

7. melodious

8. odoriferous

9. dystopian

10. tanoshikatta (it was enjoyable/ i enjoyed it)

group work migraines

sigh.

i usually love group work. i do. i enjoy the collaborative process- the uniting of different perspectives to reach the same ultimate outcome: a cohesive project. but right now, i just want to smash open my head with a hammer.

i have a lovely group. great people. smart. insightful. unfortunately, i am the only native english speaker- which doesn't usually make a huge difference. they are all excellent students (well, maybe not all, but i'm trying hard to not jump to rash, hastily drawn conclusions) but it's super super difficult for them to write formal responses in their 2nd language to passages they had to read (and usually decipher *from*) their 2nd language! and understandably so--if i had to write a paper in Japanese or French, it would sound like a mentally deficient Kindergarten-er had written it!!!

so how do i, who is rather competitive when it comes to class performance, juggle the fact that the other sections may not "live up to my standards"? and does the professor take into account the fact that, in a group, only one of the students is used to and comfortable with written papers and presentations in English? is it okay to ask the professor that? and how does one do it in a tactful manner??

OY VEY. i feel like shit 'complaining' about something that is so unchangeable and culture-ist (is that a term? it should be!!) of me. i'm going to go hang my head in shame now....

make new friends, but keep the old...

is it silly how giddy i get when my new classmates friend me on facebook?

maybe just a little....but i like them, so it's okay.

i have amazing, intelligent, thoughtful friends...

i know i have this listed under blogs i follow, but i would like to draw special attention to this post by my amazing friend E on self-image and body-identity issues.

as always, her verbosity astounds me, especially since this is actually an issue that even i struggle with. i have never found my body attractive/appealing to myself. yes, i have outside validation of my looks, but the internal outlook has never been positive.

it's not that i find myselfunattractive i just don't find myself particularly ANYTHING "positive": pretty/cute/beautiful/sexy/what-have you.

for me, it has always been a struggle with ME- inwardly- i try so hard not to compare myself to cultural standards of beauty. i don't particularly care what's "in": current fashion, hairstyles, makeup, shaving, etc. and yet, i don't find anything appealing about myself and wonder if it's a greater part of cultural ideal after all.

bleck.