gorram it all

apparently i am supposed to have a fairly concrete idea as to what i am writing my research paper on for one of my classes already. suffice it to say, i barely have an idea as to WHAT the *class* is all about, so how am i supposed to have an idea for a paper? additionally, for the 3rd week in a row, all the discussion questions for class are pointed in the same direction--> blahblahblah china blahblahblah egypt/jordan/bahrain blahblahblah...

i have been faithfully keeping up with the readings, though i could barely say what i got from any of them. i'm sick of circular "debates" in the classroom. i want to discuss other countries/ theories/ topics...but noooooooooo. it's all about china. china's powerful. china's scary. china's a bully. OH WAIT.

didn't britain say the same thing as it was waning and the u.s. was rising to power? and didn't the u.s. say the same exact things about japan back in the 80's/early 90's? i want to know about the other issues affecting international relations/politics!!!!!!!!!

realism? liberalism? constructivism? whogivesadamnism!!!!

my brain is brimming with international relations theory. HELP!!!!

while it's all well and good to understand, with only one week of class/readings behind me i can tell you one thing for sure---theory schemeory.

there is NO one "correct" theory/practice/policy and the more people try to insist that there way is more productive than the others, the less shit is going to get done in this world. take the strengths from each, blend a bit and tweak thing that ACTUALLY works---in practice NOT just in theory and forget about who got it "right" and who didn't. geez people...get over your collective selves.

just sittin' here, holding my awkward balloon...

a whole hour-plus to go before my first class of my "final" semester. i sit in the library, filled with dread. my stomach is in knots. i ordered the last of my textbooks today (this was BY FAR the most expensive semester, books-wise. in total i spent well-over $150, which, while i know is rather inconsequential for some, is a LOT for me) and i also purchased a semester long bus pass. just hope i don't manage to lose it like i did last year. i'd be out another $96! SIGH.

so here i sit. reading the various sites i follow. holding my awkward balloon. swimming with my awkward turtle. sipping my awkward coffee. and wishing i was back at home.

back-to-school BLAHS ???

with only a week now under my belt, this second year of grad school has me feeling totally, well, BLAH. not sure if it's because i'm having a hard time getting back into the groove of things, or because i feel so physically/mentally lethargic or what. i'm even having a harder than usual time of feeding myself! case in point-- it's approx. noon-thirty as i type this and i finally got around to making my fav. snack (toast with marmite, smoked cheddar and a fried egg). while it's packed full of vitamins and protein and stuff, it's the only thing i've eaten today. i'm going to take some grapes and leftover (yes! leftover!!! shocking, i know) spaghetti to class tonight, but should probably eat something else in there. somewhere.

i feel like i can't get anything done. okay, so maybe i did finish my 150-ish pages of early-late tang dynasty poetry/prose but now i can't be bothered to start the readings for my thursday class. i'm too comfortable at home, but if i were to go anywhere, i'd have to lug everything i needed for the rest of the day along with.and my anthology of chinese literature pre-1911 book is wicked heavy! UGH.

i just feel so >meh< about everything. nothing motivates me. nothing excites me. this does not bode well for the semester....

i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

tonight is the first class of my 2 year of grad school. this semester will be a literature based class and a pop-culture related class. sounds interesting i know, but i'm trying not to get my hopes up yet. (just in case i end up with a disaster professor)

in other news...it's FRAKIN' hot today!!!! and the school is not air conditioned because, it never usually gets this hot. good thing i brought along mugicha and a cold salad.

jump starting my brain

so, classes FINALLY start up this coming week. i know i should be really psyched, but all i can think about is: "how the frack am i going to fit it all in?" by it all, of course i mean the following: class, work, studying/homework, commuting, art museum volunteering, possibility of a work-study opportunity, spending time with my souse, eating, cleaning, laundry, etc.

the prospects would be way less daunting if it weren't for the fact that i don't own a car. all my travel is done via public transit. and while i'm grateful that opportunity exists for me, it makes getting to/from places a royal pain in the ass.

last semester was made a tad easier by the bulk of my time being unemployed. and while my job is insanely easy (and i'm actually *encouraged* by the owner to study at work!) i always seem to work myself up into a panic when details are hazy and everything is based on theories in my head. :::sigh::: god i'm such a drama queen.

anyways, i should really try this weekend to "jumpstart" my brain: maybe review language vocabulary, and start reading the first book i'm supposed to have completed by february 3rd! good thing they email you the syllabus ahead of time...and good thing it's a rather interesting sounding book: the mystic's experience.....

when do classes start???

seriously.

i can not find any definitive information on when my start date for spring semester is! the school's academic calendar has listed the dates for undergraduates and for law students but nit for "regular" grad students. what's the deal with that?!?!

so i don't know if i begin classes this coming week or the following one. yikes. talk about feeling dreadful anticipation...

in actuality, very little communication has come from our program regarding the coming semester. nothing about purchasing bus passes (and last semester's expire the 22nd!). nothing about first day of classes. or what classroom we'll be in. this *IS* normal, right???

group work migraines

sigh.

i usually love group work. i do. i enjoy the collaborative process- the uniting of different perspectives to reach the same ultimate outcome: a cohesive project. but right now, i just want to smash open my head with a hammer.

i have a lovely group. great people. smart. insightful. unfortunately, i am the only native english speaker- which doesn't usually make a huge difference. they are all excellent students (well, maybe not all, but i'm trying hard to not jump to rash, hastily drawn conclusions) but it's super super difficult for them to write formal responses in their 2nd language to passages they had to read (and usually decipher *from*) their 2nd language! and understandably so--if i had to write a paper in Japanese or French, it would sound like a mentally deficient Kindergarten-er had written it!!!

so how do i, who is rather competitive when it comes to class performance, juggle the fact that the other sections may not "live up to my standards"? and does the professor take into account the fact that, in a group, only one of the students is used to and comfortable with written papers and presentations in English? is it okay to ask the professor that? and how does one do it in a tactful manner??

OY VEY. i feel like shit 'complaining' about something that is so unchangeable and culture-ist (is that a term? it should be!!) of me. i'm going to go hang my head in shame now....

feeling smart and sassy

question of the week: is there such a thing as over-participation in class? i have so much to say and am geekily excited about everything i'm learning, at times it feels like i'm going to explode while waiting for my turn to speak in class. (that is, when other people actually speak up).

my point being, does there come a point when i am being TOO active? i don't babble on for ever, but it feels like i always have a response to what other students share or another point i want to raise or quotations to back things up....

i don't want to get the reputation of "oh there she goes again..." or of being a brown-noser, but i also want to make sure i'm not imposing upon myself restrictions and self-editing. that process is so detrimental to my psyche and really fucks with self-esteem, you know? i had waaaaay too much of self-editing for "politeness" sake when i lived in japan and it really did a number on me! never EVER again.

the "other class" and night 2 of language, coming up...

aside from the many frustrations i am having with my language component- there *IS* another class i have to take this semester: 601...basically a survey/introductory course to the program. and this class, i am thrilled about. the professor seems very genuine and is incredibly, academically armed to teach. besides getting his ph.d. in historiography(!) he heads multiple committees, is involved with several big time nonprofits and academic journals AND is an amateur film buff. gotta love it.

i am still having issues with not getting any assistance from people on campus figuring out why my card won't let me into the LIBRARY and why my netbook doesn't want to connect to the internet. i must have the wrong login/password combo but the damn school has given us at least 3, and none of them related! terribly unhelpful.

managed to get my homework for tonight's 2nd language class done--i'm not sure it's correct at all. BUT i am giving it my best try and i hope, in a class of three students, that will count for something.

oh and one of my classmates was kind enough to actually point out where the bookstore is and where the "grab and go" cafe is...yay!

sha ka khan!!!!

first class---DOWN! i deliberately went to campus early to try and print off the handouts and lo-and-behold, my ID card wouldn't let me into the library! WTF?!?! seriously now. my ID let me into the office for my grad program but *not* the library???!?! grrrrr....

and i'd go visit IT, except that, my school's campus doesn't have a single map/directory in sight. you can find one online but guess what??? my shiny new netbook could connect to the internet because i don't know my ID and password.

why? because my ID is my student ID # which, for some bizarro reason, isn't on my student ID card? huh? really?!?! and....where *IS* my student ID #???in an email, which i can't access. fucknuggets!!!

but, on the POSITIVE side (because i promised aunt p it wouldn't all be depressing)- i rocked the shit out of my language class. okay, so not REALLY but...i didn't feel totally lost and...i even knew/remember some things that the other 2 girls didn't so i felt pretty good about that. while i'm not totally confident about where my skills are currently at, i feel alright going forward....:::sigh:::

and that's a good feeling....

i should be doing "homework".

tomorrow's it: "G-DAY". the day i officially start graduate school. i honestly don't know if i will be able to sleep tonight. i am supposed to go to a class where, when looking over the review sheet my only reaction was: WTF!?!?! i suppose that's what i get for auditing this language in undergrad, never "officially" studying it, but having a brain capable enough to (6 years later) test into the more advanced group. yikes! everyone i know says it will be fine once i'm actually in class. that it will force me to push myself, learn it quickly and be challenged--which is how i learn best. but the doubt monster in my mind keeps chanting: you will fail. you will fail. you will fail. thanks, doubt monster.

and for wednesday, which is my NON-language class, i am supposed to have 4 chapters of 2 separate books read. i managed to read one in each yesterday and today am not feeling motivated to open either of them up. particularly the one that is the poorly organized, non-time-linear, history book. the other is fascinating, but miles away at my apartment.