things that currently terrify me

i debated whether or not i was going to make this entry. not only because it has been so long since my last update that i fear no one will even read this, but also because i feel it is testing the limits of my own boundaries of public vs. private life.

suffice it to say, it has come to a point where, i have no other outlet in which i can turn to for "help": my parents never quite "get it", my spouse has many of the same fears/terrors as i do and already bears so much for me, my circle of friends/acquaintances, i fear, see me as a pessimistic naysayer---and i don't feel i can share this/ talk about all this with anyone directly. this is NOT to gain sympathy or pity. it is to get my anger/rage/frustration out at a situation which feels insurmountable. so here i go.

warning: below page break exists all the shit i'm dealing with. if you really don't want to know what is going on, it's cool, just don't read on. if you *DO*, consider this fair warning.

grateful for mom...

...even when she makes me wanted to tear my hair out.

i have been battling a GIANT case of the blues. or apathy. or malaise. not quite sure. so even though i talked to her yesterday, i called up my mom. less because of the whole moms-give-great-encouragement-thing and more of the she just finished grad. school herself a year ago thing.

i know by now i should be writing my paper. i've done the research, i've made the outline and i even *successfully* presented on it! (yea me!) but it's the actual doing it that i'm now struggling with. originally i told myself that i would begin today--> start with something easy. straightforward. like, the bibliography. you know, no real thought required. and yet...

here it is, quarter after six p.m. and my emotional state has been crashed with a giant wrecking ball. i have no drive. no desire. even though i know tomorrow i will have no time, and wednesday is class and thursday i have a doctor's appointment and friday-next tuesday i work...and the busy cycle begins again. i STILL can't make myself sit down and f*cking do the easy part.

so i called mom. and vented. for an hour and a half. about school and work and not having enough money and worrying if i'm doing the right thing by being in school and what am i going to do with this degree anyways and crap! it's 5:30 and i've only eaten a croissant today and why do i feel like i'm stuck in molasses and why don't i have any direction or drive and how come i can't sleep through the night even once on and on and on...

and she listens. to all my worrying. and tells me to eat. even if it's crap or just a bowl of cereal. and she makes me want to cry because she makes it sound so easy, like, why can't i just buck up and take care of myself and my own damned problems? and i resolve to do something...even if it's just look through my research and organize it...but then i get off the phone and am sooooooo wiped. drained. and all i can do is write about what i just went through and manage, yet again, to put off the inevitable.

WHY CAN'T I PULL MY ACT TOGETHER?!?!

why do i even bother?

money woes

went to the bank today to deposit LAST week's paychecks. it's not always easy to get to the bank with my odd work schedule but after a week, i start to get (ahem) paranoid if i don't get checks deposited. i worry about the state of my account, obviously, and wonder about just how`much i've been spending.

the last time i made a deposit was on 3/24. today (4/10), the difference was over a thousand dollars. LESS. granted rent and bills have happened since then. but it was one of those moments where it was so painfully obvious that the amount of money coming in is less than what is going out. by a significant number. and my hours at work will never be more than 25 hours a week. and i have to figure out how the summer session of school will be financed!!!!

I HATE THIS FEELING!!!

open-ended letter to my professor....

dr. x,

understand that i mean no disrespect. you are terribly unmotivating, uninteresting and, in my personal opinion, not qualified to teach our class. perhaps my expectations are high. i mean, it;s not your fault that our previous professor was an incredibly bright, challenging, caring, harvard-educated man who drove us to succeed and inspired us to excel. it's not your fault that i assumed you would be on par with him. it's not your fault that i feel the field in which you specialize is a load of crock.

perhaps, if maybe this week's readings (which you want to have us prepared for wednesday's class) had been posted early enough that i could print them out and therefore underline/highlight them instead of it now being early sunday afternoon and--having no access to a printer-- i will have to rely on reading them on the internet and my paltry attempt at note-taking.

will this continue to be a regular thing? i hope not, because i rely on the IT room on campus to print things. 1) it's much cheaper than the library/ kinko's/ random copy centers per page. 2) it's convienient to print them out on wednesday/thursday before i go to my actual class so i can read them during--oh say my two hour round-trip commute. i can't **DO** that on my laptop because the city isn't wired with free wireless. and i don't have the money to go to cafes everyday to access the internet. and my apartment is out of the question because lord knows there are too many distractions!!!!!

so for the love of pete (whomever he may be) FUCKING POST THE READINGS ON TIME!!!!

then, you may just gain an ounce of respect from me.

sincerely,
embittered grad student

i double-heart <3<3 winter break!!

how wonderful to take the time to read books that a) i want to b) are not required and c) are mainly fiction! woot! while the downside is i'm working like a crazy mo-fo: 2 jobs both part-time to bring in money to pay the bills; the up-side is, generally feeling relaxed and in control of my life. in theory, i could be working on an optional take-home language project for extra points but, seeing how i will be joining a new language class (and hence, new teacher!) come january AND it's break, i think i won't. plus really, i don't have the time/patience right now to sit down and do an intense, 8-page bonus assignment so, i will accept the grade i get, i guess.

one year ago

it is absolutely incredible to me what a difference a year can make.at this time last year, i was working a job i hated loathed. however, i was making for the first time in my "american life" a living wage ( i did as well during my time in japan, but the circumstances there were way favorable: subsidized housing among many). bills were paid in full--including the dreaded credit card--my savings account was growing, my ability to take trips was only limited by the time i could take off from work. i bought my family NICE christmas presents....

what a study in contrasts.

one year ago: a single paycheck covered rent + utilities. today: it takes 4 paychecks to equal JUST rent
one year ago: i could go home for christmas for 10 days. today: i will be working at least 2, possibly 3 jobs over break just to stay "afloat"
one year ago: i could afford "luxuries" like donation-based yoga, therapy & acupuncture today: even i could find the time to get to such things, i have to prioritize things like my upcoming root canal/dental surgery sans insurance.
one year ago: i could get or make meaningful presents for gifts today: time-factor aside, i'm only making $90/week before taxes
one year ago: my tendency to over-dramatize the fragile state of my income was gently mocked today: i seriously worry what would happen in case of any emergency... since losing my job in april (before i got the very part-time one i have now) i have incurred over $3000 in medical bills.  and they were technically non-emergencies.

i haven't had a vacation (which didn't involve either family of hosting a friend) in over 5 years. i hate to think that to pay for a single credit of my graduate education i would have to put in over 100 hours at my very-part-time job. but with the amount of schoolwork required, i feel it's near impossible to juggle 2 jobs during the academic year.

i hate feeling so helpless while at the same time knowing full well there are so many other people in this world facing greater struggles, greater suffering.

one year ago, i may have been miserable and stressed out to the max, but i was financially secure. today, my stresses are of a different nature and i don't hate my job. what to do? what to do?

like charlie brown...

...an overwhelming wave of self-pity is slowly consuming my thoughts, as of late.

i want to be somewhere else- not stuck here for the remainder of my grad program. i read about where my friends are (either in life, or quite literally where they are in the world) both via blogs and the ubiquitous facebook and wish i was the one having the grand adventures. i realise that going back to school and pursuing further knowledge is an adventure in itself, but one that- at least for the time being- requires me to a) stay physically put, in close proximity to school and b) makes "responsible" decisions that are affected directly by the fact i have to remain put.

no taking long trips- can't afford them, can't miss class/work, who'd watch the kittens?

must have at least one source of income- to afford staples/ rent/ food/etc. which means no long trips

no "me time"- have to do homework, read class materials, spend time in transit to/from class

can't afford a car- so it takes forever to get anywhere, also prevents day trips of any kind

local friends are all busy- in school/work/etc. and right now, all have more income

GOOD GRIEF.

anyone have a football???

second thoughts...

there are moments when i more than second guess myself- and today i am having one GIANT "what-the-frack-am-i-doing?" day.

here's why (in brief):

- i cried IN CLASS last night because i just couldn't "get" the conjugation patterns. and it was still a 'review' class.

- i haven't figured out yet if my unemployment checks have been "frozen" on account of sheer stupidity.

- my brain hurts.

- i feel so emotionally exhausted from trying to keep up that i was out cold last night from 11:30 until 10:45 this morning. i haven't slept like that since i was like, 5.

- i hardly get to see my spousal unit- unless i visit him at work. i don't want to be one of those couples that gets driven apart because we never see each other/ have quality time together.

- i can't imagine how i would potentially balance a job and school work- and i'm only a week in.

i know logically, i shouldn't second guess myself, but there is a huge part of me that wants to turn and RUN the other way. to move somewhere "affordable" (read: rent is under $800/month) that has a stable job market instead of squeaking by on one part-time job and student loans in an ass-expensive location with a dying job market....

why did i have to pick now to go back???

financial freeze?!?!

so i get a letter in the mail today from the official unemployment services. it's about a phone interview that i MUST have---on october first! the last time i had a phone interview, my unemployment benefits were frozen until after the interview had been conducted and i was deemed "worthy" of receiving them.

now i'm beginning to freak out: why did i get this now? the list of questions on the back, included pamphlet and added letter all pertain to "work-related training". ie. am i still eligible to receive benefits while attending....

what?! the only thing i can think of is on the official form i have to fill out and send every other week there is a question that asks: "did you begin any kind of school or training?" i must have answered YES (being the honest person i am, i began graduate school...duh.) and now i have to wait for them to determine if i can still meet the requirements while a full-time student?!?!??!

so, by returning to school, i can't get the money i need to go back to school? a logical fallacy. and i have to wait an ENTIRE month's time---during which i don't have income-- for them to make a phone call and ask me questions, after which (and this is the best part) if i *am* still determined eligible, i have to get a letter signed and send it to them!!!!!!

i hardly have enough time to do my frickin' homework and get to and from class, how am i supposed to hyper-actively pursue a means of income as well???

believe me, i have been looking for work. i check work postings daily, send out (on average) 2 resumes a week--usually more---and since losing my job in APRIL i have only been called in for 4 (yes, that's F-O-U-R) interviews! and obviously none have hired me!!! because i was going back to school.

this is so fucked up.

short-changed chump??

when preparing to go back to school, one needs to make MANY purchases. some more astronomical than others (language textbook- i'm talkin' about you) . in order to do that, one needs finances. when said person is totally dependant on the state for income--it bites.

today i got my unemployment check and for some reason it was only ONE WEEK'S worth of "pay". with no explanation as to why. did i not fill out my paper work properly? did it arrive too late? did i accidentally go "outside the box" when marking my required paper work and thereby lost half my needed money??? who do i report this to? can i report it? can i get that money? the list of questions goes on and on.

i feel like a chump, because i swore i filled everything out, double-checking for no errors because this IS my income. and it's not a whole lot. with rent coming up and an accidental overdue bill, plus textbooks and [probably should purchase a netbook] other expenses, one tiny fuck up can mean the difference between getting by or not.

i just hope that next time, it won't do this. i'll let my spousal unit double check- make sure i'm not losing it.