may 20th, 2011-->mark your calendar!

i have been (keep your fingers crossed!) granted permission to participate in graduation! i can walk with my co-horts! woot! double woot! triple woot!

now, all i have to do to get the damn diploma is: 1. write a 20 page paper for one class 2. come up with and execute a prject on policy change for my other class 3. find a VIABLE summer language class ( i have one in the works, it still needs to be approved, then finagled from 3 credits to 4 credits) 4. finish the summer class 5. get my diploma

can i do it folks, with less than a month to go??? will i sleep? will i lose my sanity? will i drrive my family and friends up the wall?

i must be getting old

i am currently at an on-campus event (NOT required) but related to one of my papers this semester. it is a lecture/round table discussion on the "global and local perspectives on the politics of pregnancy."

fascinating, right?

no HUGE surprise 95% of the crowd is female...however i can't get over how "exposed" these girls are. and frilly/female in what i consider a stereotypical way. so many plunging necklines, skintight clothing, short/tight skirts, etc. and all i can think is: "you are worth so much more. you don't need to flaunt your legs/boobs/etc. " it makes me feel like a curmudgeonly old cynical bitch.

:::sigh:::

twentyten

here's to a prosperous new year to all!


i have never been one for making resolutions. but this year/this decade feels auspiciously perfect for new beginnings. so, while i would hesitate to call the below "resolutions", i will think of them as steps/guidelines for living abundantly in this new year.

1. nurture my creative spirit (even if it's only on the small scale): i managed  to score a copy of "the artists way" for $1 at the creative reuse depot. while i can't guarantee that i will follow it religiously, i think using it as a tool may be helpful. the part about artist dates in particular. i have no "goal" of finishing it in the 12-week manner it proponents but i will be working my way through it.

2. make better choices in taking care of myself: this one will require lots of baby steps and covers a range of issues. from making sure that i eat when i feel hungry (and not just ignore it) to staying properly hydrated. also things like following through on regular or semi-regular acupuncture, learning to like/accept myself/ compliment myself/ get my mojo back, consuming less (in the consumerism sense) and consuming less of things that are bad for me.

3. re-find my faith. in myself. in g_d. in humanity. in the greater good. in optimism. this on is also a tall order. it helps that, when the semester begins, my main class will be on asian philosophy and religion. what a great place to start! as for the others, with all the other work i'll be doing, i can only hope they will fall into place---but i'm not expecting miracles. it's hard to have any amount of faith in humanity as a whole--the minute something amazing and awe inspiring happens, giving me hope that people *don't* suck, i get reminded of the fact that people close to me believe any of the following: that sarah palin would make a great vicepresidential candidate; that our current president is a secret muslim terrorist because he won't 'support' the national day of prayer; that there is NO SUCH THING as global warming, etc. etc. etc.

here is to new beginnings!

identity crisis

can you have an identity crisis when you are no longer sure of your identity? a lack-of-identity crisis? if so, i'm thick in the midst of one.

i want to travel back in time to when i was sure of who i am and what i wanted out of life....

when i felt comfortable in my own skin and being myself....

when i felt confident. strong. resilient...angry.


blip. blip. blip. blip. blip. blip....................

gender performance and the quest for self identity

the majority of my readings this week are on cultural gender identity. it's been kicking my brain's (non-existent) ass in so many ways: from acquainting myself to new perspectives to re-evaluating my own perceptions. one of the areas i find myself struggling with the most is sense of identity and gender performance.

in addition to the assigned texts, i also have gone back to some of my own books (of which i have quite an array) on gender/feminism/identity: "misogyny: the world's oldest prejudice"--which didn't have as much as i was hoping it would; and "polite lies: on being a woman caught between cultures"--which had a LOT more than i remembered...

the author, kyoko mori, writes about her experiences being a japanese woman who lives now permanently in the US mid-west. not-so-oddly much of what she writes resonates with my life experiences, but in particular, i would like to offer up one passage in particular, since it is what i have been wrestling the most with in my own life:

Personal appearance causes anxiety and insecurity because those of us who are not beautiful consider our clothes, makeup or hairstyle to be expressions or symbols of who we are, and yet our choices are burdened by cultural, societal, and sexist expectations. Personal appearance is the four-way intersection where our personal symbolism clashes with the symbolism of the culture in which we must live. For some of us, it's a head on collision, a big highway catastrophe.

those are the kind of days i have been having- second guessing/ judging myself because i find myself surround by cultural expectations of "what i should be" and then find myself embarrassed/ashamed that i'm not meeting those "standards."

i have amazing, intelligent, thoughtful friends...

i know i have this listed under blogs i follow, but i would like to draw special attention to this post by my amazing friend E on self-image and body-identity issues.

as always, her verbosity astounds me, especially since this is actually an issue that even i struggle with. i have never found my body attractive/appealing to myself. yes, i have outside validation of my looks, but the internal outlook has never been positive.

it's not that i find myselfunattractive i just don't find myself particularly ANYTHING "positive": pretty/cute/beautiful/sexy/what-have you.

for me, it has always been a struggle with ME- inwardly- i try so hard not to compare myself to cultural standards of beauty. i don't particularly care what's "in": current fashion, hairstyles, makeup, shaving, etc. and yet, i don't find anything appealing about myself and wonder if it's a greater part of cultural ideal after all.

bleck.