may 20th, 2011-->mark your calendar!

i have been (keep your fingers crossed!) granted permission to participate in graduation! i can walk with my co-horts! woot! double woot! triple woot!

now, all i have to do to get the damn diploma is: 1. write a 20 page paper for one class 2. come up with and execute a prject on policy change for my other class 3. find a VIABLE summer language class ( i have one in the works, it still needs to be approved, then finagled from 3 credits to 4 credits) 4. finish the summer class 5. get my diploma

can i do it folks, with less than a month to go??? will i sleep? will i lose my sanity? will i drrive my family and friends up the wall?

grateful for mom...

...even when she makes me wanted to tear my hair out.

i have been battling a GIANT case of the blues. or apathy. or malaise. not quite sure. so even though i talked to her yesterday, i called up my mom. less because of the whole moms-give-great-encouragement-thing and more of the she just finished grad. school herself a year ago thing.

i know by now i should be writing my paper. i've done the research, i've made the outline and i even *successfully* presented on it! (yea me!) but it's the actual doing it that i'm now struggling with. originally i told myself that i would begin today--> start with something easy. straightforward. like, the bibliography. you know, no real thought required. and yet...

here it is, quarter after six p.m. and my emotional state has been crashed with a giant wrecking ball. i have no drive. no desire. even though i know tomorrow i will have no time, and wednesday is class and thursday i have a doctor's appointment and friday-next tuesday i work...and the busy cycle begins again. i STILL can't make myself sit down and f*cking do the easy part.

so i called mom. and vented. for an hour and a half. about school and work and not having enough money and worrying if i'm doing the right thing by being in school and what am i going to do with this degree anyways and crap! it's 5:30 and i've only eaten a croissant today and why do i feel like i'm stuck in molasses and why don't i have any direction or drive and how come i can't sleep through the night even once on and on and on...

and she listens. to all my worrying. and tells me to eat. even if it's crap or just a bowl of cereal. and she makes me want to cry because she makes it sound so easy, like, why can't i just buck up and take care of myself and my own damned problems? and i resolve to do something...even if it's just look through my research and organize it...but then i get off the phone and am sooooooo wiped. drained. and all i can do is write about what i just went through and manage, yet again, to put off the inevitable.

WHY CAN'T I PULL MY ACT TOGETHER?!?!

why do i even bother?

money woes

went to the bank today to deposit LAST week's paychecks. it's not always easy to get to the bank with my odd work schedule but after a week, i start to get (ahem) paranoid if i don't get checks deposited. i worry about the state of my account, obviously, and wonder about just how`much i've been spending.

the last time i made a deposit was on 3/24. today (4/10), the difference was over a thousand dollars. LESS. granted rent and bills have happened since then. but it was one of those moments where it was so painfully obvious that the amount of money coming in is less than what is going out. by a significant number. and my hours at work will never be more than 25 hours a week. and i have to figure out how the summer session of school will be financed!!!!

I HATE THIS FEELING!!!

second semester--HO!!!!

here i am, sitting on campus in the "lounge" area for my program a good hour-and-a-half early. why? i ask myself. is it because you have nothing else better to do? well, no, not exactly.

it's because i'm nervous.

there. i said it.

big fatty fat nervous. i don't know what to expect from this teacher or class. i *JUST* learned the professor's area of specialty is death and dying rituals...uh....greeeeeeeeeeeat.

maybe i should go to the crap-tastic cafe and pick up something to eat that's more substantial than the 2 biscuits (chreezy vegan biscuits), 2 sembei, blood orange and braeburn apple (both fruits from the farmer's market) or some horrendous coffee-like beverage (not that i haven't already consumed mass quantities of caffeine via 'terrorist' coffee, earl grey and have a thermos of hojicha for later in class....)

...slipping, everythings slipping away

i don't know how much longer i can hold on. each week gets progressively more and more daunting and instead of feeling confident, i feel worn out--"like little butter over too much bread".  i can barely keep up with the readings- mainly because half of them are being posted mid-week and i don't have a printer at home. (yes, i do read them online, but then it's next to impossible to reference direct quotes/passages in class).

 by the time i get to class at night i'm so worm out my brain atrophies instead of kicking in, as it did in the beginning. other students have stepped up to participate and they have great things to say: most of them either beat me to my point or make a better one than i could have contributed. and the blackboard discussions online have become like mini-essays full of quotes and theories- i don't know how my fellow classmates find the time to write them! i consider myself lucky if i find *A SINGULAR* point i want to discuss, and it's usually that i want to discuss it--not use texts to illustrate something. it's called a "discussion board" for a reason right???

also, while my tutor thinks i'm getting a good grasp on my language, the teacher continues to pull shit out of mid-air and put it on tests without: a) ever having practiced it OR EVEN discussed it in class b) having it been practiced in homework and c) even mentioning that we should make sure to review the (to use an actual example) example sentences given when introducing new verb patterns! during our class break last night i had to leave the classroom so i could go somewhere and cry! this woman is making me hate the language!!! she doesn't seem to care that i'm "just not getting it" because the other 2 girls are---oh wait! they're still a whole year ahead of me in their study! gee....i wonder why....

i may have to re-take it next semester to get a better grade on my transcript which pisses me off for too many reasons to go into. i am so frustrated with this program- with not feeling like i am getting any support from the school OR teachers. with not knowing week to week what my homework load is going to look like so i can plan accordingly. with feeling friendless and stupid.

and now, i have to go get ready because it will take over an hour to get to my volunteer shift, from which i go directly to class. i will end up spending too much money on crappy food while the yummy stuff i have at home goes to waste because i'm never home to eat it!!!!!!

week of DOOM

i wish i were a stronger person. that i could persevere in the face of difficult challenges and thrive in such an environment. that i could juggle multiple daunting tasks without feeling like an emotional train-wreck-meets-zombie.

this coming week i have a mid-term for my language class with very little idea of what i need to prepare. i was given a list of verb patterns i should know, but no idea beyond that. her quizzes have been near impossible--because instead of making them straightforward, she combines multiple elements per question. which is all fine and good for homework or in class, but on a quiz CHECK TO SEE IF YOUR STUDENTS GET THE BASICS!!!!! then move on to more challenging things.

on my last quiz, i got a 37.5/50 points, which doesn't seem to poor until you do the math:75%. i am working my ass off in this class but am at a disadvantage. if i was tested on the basics, i would *ace* it. and i need to keep a "good grade" in this class, because if you dip below a "B", you go on academic probation!

and in my other class, as fate would have it, my group has to present again. yippee! just what i needed-- the stress of reading a 400 page book, 5 30-page supplemental readings, write a 7-10 page paper and present it--ON TOP OF preparing my ass off for this midterm!!! and the "best part"-the other 2 girls in my language class don't have their group presentation this week so they can focus all their energy on the exam- while my attention is divided.

MOST AWESOME.

anyone want to knock me out so i have a reason to postpone my inevitable doom???

financial freeze?!?!

so i get a letter in the mail today from the official unemployment services. it's about a phone interview that i MUST have---on october first! the last time i had a phone interview, my unemployment benefits were frozen until after the interview had been conducted and i was deemed "worthy" of receiving them.

now i'm beginning to freak out: why did i get this now? the list of questions on the back, included pamphlet and added letter all pertain to "work-related training". ie. am i still eligible to receive benefits while attending....

what?! the only thing i can think of is on the official form i have to fill out and send every other week there is a question that asks: "did you begin any kind of school or training?" i must have answered YES (being the honest person i am, i began graduate school...duh.) and now i have to wait for them to determine if i can still meet the requirements while a full-time student?!?!??!

so, by returning to school, i can't get the money i need to go back to school? a logical fallacy. and i have to wait an ENTIRE month's time---during which i don't have income-- for them to make a phone call and ask me questions, after which (and this is the best part) if i *am* still determined eligible, i have to get a letter signed and send it to them!!!!!!

i hardly have enough time to do my frickin' homework and get to and from class, how am i supposed to hyper-actively pursue a means of income as well???

believe me, i have been looking for work. i check work postings daily, send out (on average) 2 resumes a week--usually more---and since losing my job in APRIL i have only been called in for 4 (yes, that's F-O-U-R) interviews! and obviously none have hired me!!! because i was going back to school.

this is so fucked up.