PANIC (at the disco!)

t-minus one week until graduation. so many things left to accomplish/square away and feeling awash in the quagmire of panic. in order of importance:

1. write my paper for politics (hopefully accomplished by tuesday)
2. complete the online federal loan exit survey, or my grades will not be released :(
3. Project proposal for my other class--a blessedly short write up
4. try to do one more update of my project before having to present it on thursday
5. FIGURE OUT SUMMER LANGUAGE!!!---> things that are impeding my search:
    A. the above numbers, 1-4
    B. It needs to be at least four credits (most i can find are 3)
    C. it needs to work with/around my work schedule.I need to work at least 4 days a week. shifts at work   are either 11-4 OR 4-9.  everything i have found out there so far would not allow me to work as much as i need to, there by making living/eating/paying rent a pain in the arse.
    D. If i don't find one that can give me 4 credits, i will NOT receive my diploma
    E. ideally, i would *like* to continue studying japanese (since, you know, i'd like to actually get proficient at it) but institutions around here only offer intro levels over the summer. or 3-credit classes.

i'm having a hard time keeping food down and sleeping with regularity. when i do sleep, i'm addled with dreams that are bordering on night terrors. i know to try and breathe and take one day at a time, but this feels like an epic crux/ turning point in my life and why the frak can't things just fall into place a little bit better??? this langauge thing has been a pain in my ass since the begining.

may 20th, 2011-->mark your calendar!

i have been (keep your fingers crossed!) granted permission to participate in graduation! i can walk with my co-horts! woot! double woot! triple woot!

now, all i have to do to get the damn diploma is: 1. write a 20 page paper for one class 2. come up with and execute a prject on policy change for my other class 3. find a VIABLE summer language class ( i have one in the works, it still needs to be approved, then finagled from 3 credits to 4 credits) 4. finish the summer class 5. get my diploma

can i do it folks, with less than a month to go??? will i sleep? will i lose my sanity? will i drrive my family and friends up the wall?

the tudors = more interesting than school

no surprise there.

however, that being said, it becomes a problem when i'd rather sit in front of a screen and watch over-the-top shows in my PJs than even think about school. seriously, if i wasn't this close to being done, i'd drop out.

in other NON-school related news, on my bus ride out to campus today, the dude sitting behind me was totally cutting a fairly large bag of (i presume) cocaine with baking soda. either that, or he was transferring it INTO the baking soda box to be less conspicuous...on a bus...in public. oh the joys of public transportation.

ADDENDUM:

i am typing this from class. while the discussion is going semi-well, what it boils down to is this man likes to hear himself talk WAAAAAAY too much. it eats up class time because he has to interject so often to listen to himself

the end is sight ---> almost.

breathe.

just breathe.

tonight, i give my presentation on my final research paper. it's worth something ridiculous, like 20-25% of my grade. for a ten minute presentation.

i'm nervous.

why is it i always clam up in front of my peers, when (originally) i wanted to be an actor? and loved the stage???
is it because i feel under closer scrutiny? am i trying to hard to "prove" myself? and if so, to whom? to myself? my family? the universe?

sometimes i feel i would have been better off leaving well enough alone and pursuing acting. or just staying put with a bachelor's degree. razzle-frazzle-dazzle!!!!!! i just need to keep a calm head about this. it's nothing. i'm going to talk for 10 measly minutes about something i've been researching the hell out of. i'll be fine.

just breathe.

breathe.

forgetabily forgoing food (and other quandries)

anyone who knew me during my undergraduate reign, knows i am AWFUL at taking care of myself--particularly in the food department. i enjoy cooking (for the most part) but *hate* eating leftovers. and have never been good at making meals for one. sure there's the "sandwich concept" but i prefer hot food to cold. so, i ate a LOT of ramen, microwavable meals, mac and cheese, boca burgers, pickles, cereal, dried fruit, etc.

now that i KNOW better, i have an even harder time of making sure i am fed. and well-fed. and balanced food at that. oh yeah, and local and organic. :::sigh::: i have tons of amazing farmer's market finds in my fridge, but do i really want to take the time/effort to make something and then deal with the mess???? NOOOOoooo. so do i end up buying lunch on the run and crap at the cafeteria during my class break? yep.

i know it sounds petulant and spoiled of me, but i really need someone to make me eat well. if that includes making it for me, well, so be it. if i had the money, a personal chef would be great!!!

in other news---i have yet to even OPEN the pdf file of the assigned reading for tonight's class. i guess it is hard to give a shit when (on the syllabus) there were 3 additional readings listed, but only one managed to make it to blackboard. and i really feel like i need a night off. hell, a month off would be great.

sometimes i truly wonder if going back to school was such a great idea after all. it's thrown everything else out of whack AND, at least this semester, i have little to no motivation to do anything. and am spending over $10,000 to not give a shit. ARGH.

week of DOOM

i wish i were a stronger person. that i could persevere in the face of difficult challenges and thrive in such an environment. that i could juggle multiple daunting tasks without feeling like an emotional train-wreck-meets-zombie.

this coming week i have a mid-term for my language class with very little idea of what i need to prepare. i was given a list of verb patterns i should know, but no idea beyond that. her quizzes have been near impossible--because instead of making them straightforward, she combines multiple elements per question. which is all fine and good for homework or in class, but on a quiz CHECK TO SEE IF YOUR STUDENTS GET THE BASICS!!!!! then move on to more challenging things.

on my last quiz, i got a 37.5/50 points, which doesn't seem to poor until you do the math:75%. i am working my ass off in this class but am at a disadvantage. if i was tested on the basics, i would *ace* it. and i need to keep a "good grade" in this class, because if you dip below a "B", you go on academic probation!

and in my other class, as fate would have it, my group has to present again. yippee! just what i needed-- the stress of reading a 400 page book, 5 30-page supplemental readings, write a 7-10 page paper and present it--ON TOP OF preparing my ass off for this midterm!!! and the "best part"-the other 2 girls in my language class don't have their group presentation this week so they can focus all their energy on the exam- while my attention is divided.

MOST AWESOME.

anyone want to knock me out so i have a reason to postpone my inevitable doom???

mustard on a lightbulb

a friend of mine once coined that phrase "like mustard on a lightbulb", as in "like a kid in a candy shop" or "like white on rice". as if putting mustard on a lightbulb were simple. easy. uncomplicated. not to argue with the one who basically invented this phrase, but i'd like to further expand it to mean- something that may be easy to do, but fruitless/pointless and then finally, frustrating because you can no longer use it.

this is exactly how i feel about the hours i spent studying today--on top of the 2-3 hours spent each day since thursday studying for that damn language class!!!

it would be one thing if this were the only class i was taking- i'd be able to focus on it solely/ pour all my energy into mastering what i am trying to make up for. but alas, grad school doesn't work that way...and even though my teacher seemed understanding of how far removed my skills were from the other students, it's becoming apparent that i am in **WAY** over my head.

to use an analogy: it's like you have just successfully read "hop on pop" (or other super-basic dr. seuss book) in the language that you are studying and you feel on top of the world, like you can conquer anything. and then you get to class and are expected to be able to read/write/translate Shakespeare in the same language....

i am in no way trying to undermine my ability to rise to a challenge but---it ain't gonna happen and i don't know what to do next. do i ask if it's too late to transfer DOWN to the beginning level class? (because that, sadly, is the only other option that may possibly be available to me at this point in time) or do i get increasing overwhelmed by the amount of "makeup" a.k.a. REDO homework that i have to fix on top of the current weeks homework, vocabulary, listening comprehension, quiz prep and translation project??

financial freeze?!?!

so i get a letter in the mail today from the official unemployment services. it's about a phone interview that i MUST have---on october first! the last time i had a phone interview, my unemployment benefits were frozen until after the interview had been conducted and i was deemed "worthy" of receiving them.

now i'm beginning to freak out: why did i get this now? the list of questions on the back, included pamphlet and added letter all pertain to "work-related training". ie. am i still eligible to receive benefits while attending....

what?! the only thing i can think of is on the official form i have to fill out and send every other week there is a question that asks: "did you begin any kind of school or training?" i must have answered YES (being the honest person i am, i began graduate school...duh.) and now i have to wait for them to determine if i can still meet the requirements while a full-time student?!?!??!

so, by returning to school, i can't get the money i need to go back to school? a logical fallacy. and i have to wait an ENTIRE month's time---during which i don't have income-- for them to make a phone call and ask me questions, after which (and this is the best part) if i *am* still determined eligible, i have to get a letter signed and send it to them!!!!!!

i hardly have enough time to do my frickin' homework and get to and from class, how am i supposed to hyper-actively pursue a means of income as well???

believe me, i have been looking for work. i check work postings daily, send out (on average) 2 resumes a week--usually more---and since losing my job in APRIL i have only been called in for 4 (yes, that's F-O-U-R) interviews! and obviously none have hired me!!! because i was going back to school.

this is so fucked up.

i should be doing "homework".

tomorrow's it: "G-DAY". the day i officially start graduate school. i honestly don't know if i will be able to sleep tonight. i am supposed to go to a class where, when looking over the review sheet my only reaction was: WTF!?!?! i suppose that's what i get for auditing this language in undergrad, never "officially" studying it, but having a brain capable enough to (6 years later) test into the more advanced group. yikes! everyone i know says it will be fine once i'm actually in class. that it will force me to push myself, learn it quickly and be challenged--which is how i learn best. but the doubt monster in my mind keeps chanting: you will fail. you will fail. you will fail. thanks, doubt monster.

and for wednesday, which is my NON-language class, i am supposed to have 4 chapters of 2 separate books read. i managed to read one in each yesterday and today am not feeling motivated to open either of them up. particularly the one that is the poorly organized, non-time-linear, history book. the other is fascinating, but miles away at my apartment.

let's start at the very beginning...

a very good place to start.

after 6 years of "life experience" i head back to obtain my M.A. starting this monday. already i have had 2 MAJOR panic attacks, multiple minor ones, migraines and night-uopn-night of restless sleep.

the MAJOR attacks were brought on by things outside of my control: class changing it's start date (twice), and a ginormous brouhaha over my language placement and would i (or wouldn't i) have a professor. awesome.

minor attacks brought on by: price of textbooks, price of 'accessories' (pens, pencils, highlighters, file folders, etc.), pricing a netbook for class use, realizing i'm going to have to buy a new printer, being put in a language class *quite* above my ability, having textbooks arrive later than i needed, trying to get books read, trying to catch up in my language and...OH YEAH...class doesn't start until monday.

plus, there is the added stresses of: not having a job (since april- thanks a lot economy), not getting enough financial aid because last year i HAD a job that made decent-ish money, not finding any outside scholarships, not being able to find a new job because none of the ones available make enough money (due to being a student first, i will be returning to work PART time, and part time jobs pay crap.) and the 10 or so interviews i've had since april have not panned out, due to my going back to school. woot.

oh yeah- and- to top it all off my gas/electric bill claims i never paid for july, but i have the carbon check copy that's from that month! WTF?!?! how do i begin to contest that?

ACK!!!!!!

i need rosetta stone mechanically embedded in my brain.