may 20th, 2011-->mark your calendar!

i have been (keep your fingers crossed!) granted permission to participate in graduation! i can walk with my co-horts! woot! double woot! triple woot!

now, all i have to do to get the damn diploma is: 1. write a 20 page paper for one class 2. come up with and execute a prject on policy change for my other class 3. find a VIABLE summer language class ( i have one in the works, it still needs to be approved, then finagled from 3 credits to 4 credits) 4. finish the summer class 5. get my diploma

can i do it folks, with less than a month to go??? will i sleep? will i lose my sanity? will i drrive my family and friends up the wall?

manic pixie dream girl me

without the whole shallow, looking to fulfill some dude's utter happiness whilst ignoring my own.

but seriously, how is it that in my LAST semester i utterly totally and completely have lost interest in getting this degree? in going to class? in trying to challenge myself? i'd rather just go about doing my job, finding another, volunteering, farmer's market-ing, cooking/baking at home, loving my cats, crafting, reading for pleasure---> all for the rest of my life. maybe learn how to can and make preserves and shit like that.

i see what other people my age have accomplished and what i'm doing *PALES* in comparison: so why do i bother? i'm not asking you, dear reader, for the answer. my problem is  i don't have an answer. i have no idea why i'm getting this degree. or thinking about getting one after it. i have no clue what type of "career" i want. i have no goals for what i hope to achieve. i have no desire/drive to be published, go to conferences, network, etc. so why the fuck am i still dragging myself 2-hours-via-transit away to be in a program i find utterly overwhelming and yet, utterly under-performing to my expectations!!!!

i'm so sick of feeling like i want to crawl in a cave and just stay there permanently...which is how i feel when i think about school.

it's the final countdown!

(and no, i'm not going to make a yacht disappear)

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, begins the "final" semester of my master's program. i am both feeling terribly thrilled to be back in the classroom, and at the same time, utterly terrified.

perhaps it's just back to school jitters, but i think it's more than that. faced with still NO IDEA what i'm going to do with this degree once i receive it *and* after having finally got to a point last semester where i was feeling comfortable with myself, my peers, and balancing the social and the academic...i find myself back at "square one".

somehow, during the last last 3 weeks or so of last semester, i managed to alienate the classmate i felt the closest to. i am not 100% sure what i did, only that it was bad enough to be given the cold shoulder, no longer traveling back home accompanied by them as well as (and this surprisingly hurt the most) being pretty much banned from their facebook account.  the only thing i can possibly think of is that i said something so offensive...but i can't think of what. and that's what worries me. i know i could/ should say something to this person like: whatever it was i did, i'm so sorry. but the fact that i can't remember/don't know means i can't be sorry without knowing what i'm sorry for. and i'm afraid that by asking, i'll give the impression that i'm too much of an ass to know/ remember what i did. **AND** i'm also terrified that other classmates will have been told something and will also cut me off.

jeez. i went (in life) from being uber extroverted and unconcerned as to what others thought of me to being a total wallflower, desperate for peer approval.

back-to-school BLAHS ???

with only a week now under my belt, this second year of grad school has me feeling totally, well, BLAH. not sure if it's because i'm having a hard time getting back into the groove of things, or because i feel so physically/mentally lethargic or what. i'm even having a harder than usual time of feeding myself! case in point-- it's approx. noon-thirty as i type this and i finally got around to making my fav. snack (toast with marmite, smoked cheddar and a fried egg). while it's packed full of vitamins and protein and stuff, it's the only thing i've eaten today. i'm going to take some grapes and leftover (yes! leftover!!! shocking, i know) spaghetti to class tonight, but should probably eat something else in there. somewhere.

i feel like i can't get anything done. okay, so maybe i did finish my 150-ish pages of early-late tang dynasty poetry/prose but now i can't be bothered to start the readings for my thursday class. i'm too comfortable at home, but if i were to go anywhere, i'd have to lug everything i needed for the rest of the day along with.and my anthology of chinese literature pre-1911 book is wicked heavy! UGH.

i just feel so >meh< about everything. nothing motivates me. nothing excites me. this does not bode well for the semester....

all my ducks in a row---almost.

spending the morning finishing up for tonight's discussion/facilitation. managed to pull together a basic, but interesting power point. i know i didn't *have* to, but i am a visual and kinetic learner. i like pretty shiny objects to look at. so sue me.

now i just have to put together basic notes about what i'm going to say--which, to me, feels ridiculous. i mean, i was a theatre major in undergrad!!! i did 3 years of improv (during those years) and plenty more prior. if there's one thing i know how to do well, it's entertain/speak. and yet, i am afraid of sounding dumb or rambling to much or getting off the subject.

UGH. when in my life did i suddenly get so concerned (or fiercely competitive- you decide) about sounding put together and/or academic??? if this is the kind of grief i give myself for a simple class discussion, why am i even considering the idea of eventually pursuing my doctorate????????

holy gripes, batman!

i realize i must come off as a whiny bitch. or at least, an eternal pessimist. but this is my "free space" away from the times and places i have to be cheerful and upbeat. away from the demands put upon me. this is where i go to vent steam because virtually everywhere else, everyone is sick of hearing it.

it's not that bad./ it could be so much worse. or
you should focus on what you have going for you. or
be grateful you still have [xyz]. count your blessings. or
geez, stop complaining. so many people out there have it way worse than you- you could have [situation xyz].

awesome. just what i needed to hear- a formulaic catch phrase. great. nothing cheers me up like those pearls of wisdom...

look, i get it. you are all correct. "at least i'm not starving in a back alley in a 3rd world country with no access to clean water or fresh food or a  toilet while battling some horrid life-threatening disease," right? i've never asked for a glamorous life. i just would like, for once, to catch a small break. since moving out here, i haven't had a chance to "take it easy" or to "do something for enjoyment" and while that sucks ass- in my opinion- but what really gets to me is the fact that i can't even take care of the things that really need taking care of for my own sense of health and well-being.

i'm not talking yoga here--though i would love to have the time and money to study iyengar again. no, i'm talking about problems/issues i have had to go years without fixing: both external and internal. i should be in therapy (and was for a time---can't afford it any more) and should be on drugs (the prescription, chemical imbalance-fixing kind--but can't afford those either); i should be going to acupuncture regularly (community acupuncture is much more affordable than visits to the doctor, and i believe, better for you) for my f*ed up back, tmj, migraines, cramps, and other personal issues; i should probably see a chiropractor; i have an emergency dental surgery coming up because i can't afford regular check-ups/cleanings; amd the list goes on and on and on.

i am sick of seeing/hearing of how much better (success/luck/careers/ income/ creativity/ life) everyone else i know seems to be doing. i know, logically, that just because something seems externally great doesn't mean it really is. but all my life, i was always told by others--those older than me, who i respected and admired--  how incredibly smart/ intelligent i was. how incredibly talented i was.

well, either they were lying straight to my face (which is a possibility) or life/g_d is playing a cruel trick on me (also possible) or somehow my talent/intelligence just doesn't matter in the greater scheme of life----because here i am, age 28 and a half. working 2, low-paying, part-time jobs in the service industry. with absolutely nothing to show for it: no house. no car. no "successful" (or even interesting) career. no diploma from an ivy-league school. no awards. no accomplishments. nada. zip. zilch. zero.

so what the hell is the point? when do i get my dues? i have continually worked my ass off and haven't done a single thing just for myself in at least 5 years. because i can't f*in' afford to. can't take the time off/need to make money JUST TO GET BY.

:::sigh:::

i just want to understand why. where did i go wrong???