i am currently at an on-campus event (NOT required) but related to one of my papers this semester. it is a lecture/round table discussion on the "global and local perspectives on the politics of pregnancy."
fascinating, right?
no HUGE surprise 95% of the crowd is female...however i can't get over how "exposed" these girls are. and frilly/female in what i consider a stereotypical way. so many plunging necklines, skintight clothing, short/tight skirts, etc. and all i can think is: "you are worth so much more. you don't need to flaunt your legs/boobs/etc. " it makes me feel like a curmudgeonly old cynical bitch.
:::sigh:::
Showing posts with label validation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label validation. Show all posts
28 March 2011
01 February 2011
manic pixie dream girl me
without the whole shallow, looking to fulfill some dude's utter happiness whilst ignoring my own.
but seriously, how is it that in my LAST semester i utterly totally and completely have lost interest in getting this degree? in going to class? in trying to challenge myself? i'd rather just go about doing my job, finding another, volunteering, farmer's market-ing, cooking/baking at home, loving my cats, crafting, reading for pleasure---> all for the rest of my life. maybe learn how to can and make preserves and shit like that.
i see what other people my age have accomplished and what i'm doing *PALES* in comparison: so why do i bother? i'm not asking you, dear reader, for the answer. my problem is i don't have an answer. i have no idea why i'm getting this degree. or thinking about getting one after it. i have no clue what type of "career" i want. i have no goals for what i hope to achieve. i have no desire/drive to be published, go to conferences, network, etc. so why the fuck am i still dragging myself 2-hours-via-transit away to be in a program i find utterly overwhelming and yet, utterly under-performing to my expectations!!!!
i'm so sick of feeling like i want to crawl in a cave and just stay there permanently...which is how i feel when i think about school.
but seriously, how is it that in my LAST semester i utterly totally and completely have lost interest in getting this degree? in going to class? in trying to challenge myself? i'd rather just go about doing my job, finding another, volunteering, farmer's market-ing, cooking/baking at home, loving my cats, crafting, reading for pleasure---> all for the rest of my life. maybe learn how to can and make preserves and shit like that.
i see what other people my age have accomplished and what i'm doing *PALES* in comparison: so why do i bother? i'm not asking you, dear reader, for the answer. my problem is i don't have an answer. i have no idea why i'm getting this degree. or thinking about getting one after it. i have no clue what type of "career" i want. i have no goals for what i hope to achieve. i have no desire/drive to be published, go to conferences, network, etc. so why the fuck am i still dragging myself 2-hours-via-transit away to be in a program i find utterly overwhelming and yet, utterly under-performing to my expectations!!!!
i'm so sick of feeling like i want to crawl in a cave and just stay there permanently...which is how i feel when i think about school.
24 January 2011
it's the final countdown!
(and no, i'm not going to make a yacht disappear)
tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, begins the "final" semester of my master's program. i am both feeling terribly thrilled to be back in the classroom, and at the same time, utterly terrified.
perhaps it's just back to school jitters, but i think it's more than that. faced with still NO IDEA what i'm going to do with this degree once i receive it *and* after having finally got to a point last semester where i was feeling comfortable with myself, my peers, and balancing the social and the academic...i find myself back at "square one".
somehow, during the last last 3 weeks or so of last semester, i managed to alienate the classmate i felt the closest to. i am not 100% sure what i did, only that it was bad enough to be given the cold shoulder, no longer traveling back home accompanied by them as well as (and this surprisingly hurt the most) being pretty much banned from their facebook account. the only thing i can possibly think of is that i said something so offensive...but i can't think of what. and that's what worries me. i know i could/ should say something to this person like: whatever it was i did, i'm so sorry. but the fact that i can't remember/don't know means i can't be sorry without knowing what i'm sorry for. and i'm afraid that by asking, i'll give the impression that i'm too much of an ass to know/ remember what i did. **AND** i'm also terrified that other classmates will have been told something and will also cut me off.
jeez. i went (in life) from being uber extroverted and unconcerned as to what others thought of me to being a total wallflower, desperate for peer approval.
tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, begins the "final" semester of my master's program. i am both feeling terribly thrilled to be back in the classroom, and at the same time, utterly terrified.
perhaps it's just back to school jitters, but i think it's more than that. faced with still NO IDEA what i'm going to do with this degree once i receive it *and* after having finally got to a point last semester where i was feeling comfortable with myself, my peers, and balancing the social and the academic...i find myself back at "square one".
somehow, during the last last 3 weeks or so of last semester, i managed to alienate the classmate i felt the closest to. i am not 100% sure what i did, only that it was bad enough to be given the cold shoulder, no longer traveling back home accompanied by them as well as (and this surprisingly hurt the most) being pretty much banned from their facebook account. the only thing i can possibly think of is that i said something so offensive...but i can't think of what. and that's what worries me. i know i could/ should say something to this person like: whatever it was i did, i'm so sorry. but the fact that i can't remember/don't know means i can't be sorry without knowing what i'm sorry for. and i'm afraid that by asking, i'll give the impression that i'm too much of an ass to know/ remember what i did. **AND** i'm also terrified that other classmates will have been told something and will also cut me off.
jeez. i went (in life) from being uber extroverted and unconcerned as to what others thought of me to being a total wallflower, desperate for peer approval.
05 May 2010
the end is sight ---> almost.
breathe.
just breathe.
tonight, i give my presentation on my final research paper. it's worth something ridiculous, like 20-25% of my grade. for a ten minute presentation.
i'm nervous.
why is it i always clam up in front of my peers, when (originally) i wanted to be an actor? and loved the stage???
is it because i feel under closer scrutiny? am i trying to hard to "prove" myself? and if so, to whom? to myself? my family? the universe?
sometimes i feel i would have been better off leaving well enough alone and pursuing acting. or just staying put with a bachelor's degree. razzle-frazzle-dazzle!!!!!! i just need to keep a calm head about this. it's nothing. i'm going to talk for 10 measly minutes about something i've been researching the hell out of. i'll be fine.
just breathe.
breathe.
just breathe.
tonight, i give my presentation on my final research paper. it's worth something ridiculous, like 20-25% of my grade. for a ten minute presentation.
i'm nervous.
why is it i always clam up in front of my peers, when (originally) i wanted to be an actor? and loved the stage???
is it because i feel under closer scrutiny? am i trying to hard to "prove" myself? and if so, to whom? to myself? my family? the universe?
sometimes i feel i would have been better off leaving well enough alone and pursuing acting. or just staying put with a bachelor's degree. razzle-frazzle-dazzle!!!!!! i just need to keep a calm head about this. it's nothing. i'm going to talk for 10 measly minutes about something i've been researching the hell out of. i'll be fine.
just breathe.
breathe.
05 April 2010
leading the way???
this week, i am one of 3 (in total) students helping lead/facilitate discussion in class. no big sweat, right? i like to talk, right? i have decent insights, sometimes, right?
this shouldn't be a huge deal.
but, of course, i over-think things. the book itself is incredibly dense. it's of the academic caliber that the graduate level *should* be at. and i absolutely loved reading it. helps that i got to sign up for the week i want to facilitate. but there's SOOOOoooo much i want to get into. that i want to be able to fully digest and explore and am excited about!!!
did i mention the power point???? in all fairness, it isn't required, but to date, only 3 of my classmates who've lead discussion have not used it. and everyone's p.p. (power point, you potty minds!!!) is way beyond what my menial skills can throw together. custom backgrounds, fancy charts, video clips....sigh. what's an old-fashioned, academic supposed to do????
oh, and did i mention that, 99% of those "facilitating" were really just summarizing the readings? which is fine. it helps a lot to have things re-visited, especially for 'staying power' purposes. but now i feel compelled to give one of those fancy-pants, techno-riffic presentations instead of a thoughtful discussion with a few sllides with various quotes and images.
:::::::sigh::::::::::
this shouldn't be a huge deal.
but, of course, i over-think things. the book itself is incredibly dense. it's of the academic caliber that the graduate level *should* be at. and i absolutely loved reading it. helps that i got to sign up for the week i want to facilitate. but there's SOOOOoooo much i want to get into. that i want to be able to fully digest and explore and am excited about!!!
did i mention the power point???? in all fairness, it isn't required, but to date, only 3 of my classmates who've lead discussion have not used it. and everyone's p.p. (power point, you potty minds!!!) is way beyond what my menial skills can throw together. custom backgrounds, fancy charts, video clips....sigh. what's an old-fashioned, academic supposed to do????
oh, and did i mention that, 99% of those "facilitating" were really just summarizing the readings? which is fine. it helps a lot to have things re-visited, especially for 'staying power' purposes. but now i feel compelled to give one of those fancy-pants, techno-riffic presentations instead of a thoughtful discussion with a few sllides with various quotes and images.
:::::::sigh::::::::::
19 November 2009
identity crisis
can you have an identity crisis when you are no longer sure of your identity? a lack-of-identity crisis? if so, i'm thick in the midst of one.
i want to travel back in time to when i was sure of who i am and what i wanted out of life....
when i felt comfortable in my own skin and being myself....
when i felt confident. strong. resilient...angry.
blip. blip. blip. blip. blip. blip....................
i want to travel back in time to when i was sure of who i am and what i wanted out of life....
when i felt comfortable in my own skin and being myself....
when i felt confident. strong. resilient...angry.
blip. blip. blip. blip. blip. blip....................
29 August 2009
i have amazing, intelligent, thoughtful friends...
i know i have this listed under blogs i follow, but i would like to draw special attention to this post by my amazing friend E on self-image and body-identity issues.
as always, her verbosity astounds me, especially since this is actually an issue that even i struggle with. i have never found my body attractive/appealing to myself. yes, i have outside validation of my looks, but the internal outlook has never been positive.
it's not that i find myselfunattractive i just don't find myself particularly ANYTHING "positive": pretty/cute/beautiful/sexy/what-have you.
for me, it has always been a struggle with ME- inwardly- i try so hard not to compare myself to cultural standards of beauty. i don't particularly care what's "in": current fashion, hairstyles, makeup, shaving, etc. and yet, i don't find anything appealing about myself and wonder if it's a greater part of cultural ideal after all.
bleck.
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