i've been here too long

earlier today i was contemplating (aka day-dreaming) about other spaces and places i'd like to be/travel/live and had a jarring realization:  i would have to trade many of my "creature comforts" and settle for status-quo items i don't know if i believe in supporting. without trying to sound so vague, let me break it down for those of you reading along:

unless i end up in an english-speaking (or eu associated) country, there are many items i currently purchase in what i believe to be an ethical manner, that i'd be hard put to find an equivalent of.  ecologically-friendly: shampoo/conditioner, household cleaners, laundry detergent, chlorine-free bleach, soap, dish detergent, cat litter, toothpaste, deodorant, etc.

food-wise: ethically raised/produced meat, eggs and cheese; sustainableANDlocalANDorganic fruits and veggies; tempeh, grains and nuts from within a reasonable distance and again, preferably organic; holistic cat-food and treats; sustainable sea food; locally roasted, ethically purchased coffee, etc.

there are so many other things too, that i just take for granted that i buy and am proud to support the people who produce them. if i were to move back to the country of my heart (japan) all of this would be complicated by the fact that, while many of these things--if not all of them-- ARE available, but through ex-pat mail-order/internet services that ship these items from other countries, thus negating the sustainability. ARGH!!!!!

manic pixie dream girl me

without the whole shallow, looking to fulfill some dude's utter happiness whilst ignoring my own.

but seriously, how is it that in my LAST semester i utterly totally and completely have lost interest in getting this degree? in going to class? in trying to challenge myself? i'd rather just go about doing my job, finding another, volunteering, farmer's market-ing, cooking/baking at home, loving my cats, crafting, reading for pleasure---> all for the rest of my life. maybe learn how to can and make preserves and shit like that.

i see what other people my age have accomplished and what i'm doing *PALES* in comparison: so why do i bother? i'm not asking you, dear reader, for the answer. my problem is  i don't have an answer. i have no idea why i'm getting this degree. or thinking about getting one after it. i have no clue what type of "career" i want. i have no goals for what i hope to achieve. i have no desire/drive to be published, go to conferences, network, etc. so why the fuck am i still dragging myself 2-hours-via-transit away to be in a program i find utterly overwhelming and yet, utterly under-performing to my expectations!!!!

i'm so sick of feeling like i want to crawl in a cave and just stay there permanently...which is how i feel when i think about school.