grateful for mom...

...even when she makes me wanted to tear my hair out.

i have been battling a GIANT case of the blues. or apathy. or malaise. not quite sure. so even though i talked to her yesterday, i called up my mom. less because of the whole moms-give-great-encouragement-thing and more of the she just finished grad. school herself a year ago thing.

i know by now i should be writing my paper. i've done the research, i've made the outline and i even *successfully* presented on it! (yea me!) but it's the actual doing it that i'm now struggling with. originally i told myself that i would begin today--> start with something easy. straightforward. like, the bibliography. you know, no real thought required. and yet...

here it is, quarter after six p.m. and my emotional state has been crashed with a giant wrecking ball. i have no drive. no desire. even though i know tomorrow i will have no time, and wednesday is class and thursday i have a doctor's appointment and friday-next tuesday i work...and the busy cycle begins again. i STILL can't make myself sit down and f*cking do the easy part.

so i called mom. and vented. for an hour and a half. about school and work and not having enough money and worrying if i'm doing the right thing by being in school and what am i going to do with this degree anyways and crap! it's 5:30 and i've only eaten a croissant today and why do i feel like i'm stuck in molasses and why don't i have any direction or drive and how come i can't sleep through the night even once on and on and on...

and she listens. to all my worrying. and tells me to eat. even if it's crap or just a bowl of cereal. and she makes me want to cry because she makes it sound so easy, like, why can't i just buck up and take care of myself and my own damned problems? and i resolve to do something...even if it's just look through my research and organize it...but then i get off the phone and am sooooooo wiped. drained. and all i can do is write about what i just went through and manage, yet again, to put off the inevitable.

WHY CAN'T I PULL MY ACT TOGETHER?!?!

why do i even bother?

i should be doing "homework".

tomorrow's it: "G-DAY". the day i officially start graduate school. i honestly don't know if i will be able to sleep tonight. i am supposed to go to a class where, when looking over the review sheet my only reaction was: WTF!?!?! i suppose that's what i get for auditing this language in undergrad, never "officially" studying it, but having a brain capable enough to (6 years later) test into the more advanced group. yikes! everyone i know says it will be fine once i'm actually in class. that it will force me to push myself, learn it quickly and be challenged--which is how i learn best. but the doubt monster in my mind keeps chanting: you will fail. you will fail. you will fail. thanks, doubt monster.

and for wednesday, which is my NON-language class, i am supposed to have 4 chapters of 2 separate books read. i managed to read one in each yesterday and today am not feeling motivated to open either of them up. particularly the one that is the poorly organized, non-time-linear, history book. the other is fascinating, but miles away at my apartment.