huh.

i don't know exactly what it is, but even though i'm fully aware of how inspiring/competent my profs are and how interesting this semester is going to be...i'm still left feeling like i just don't give a damn. i hate that feeling. it's what caused me to be a lack-luster student in high school (nixing my chance of decent scholarships for college) and was the source for my just-getting-by in core classes in undergrad (including my 3 attempts at intro to philosophy).  in class, i feel moderately challenged, but only because i don't get why some of my classmates struggle with putting things together/ seeing the bigger picture. i'm not trying to say i don't learn from the professors, i *DO*. but it's kinda retroactive--if that makes any sense at all.

it's like, if i got the lectures BEFORE i did the readings, i'd get so much more out of them. instead, i do do the readings and finally it "makes sense"- i.e. what to gain from the readings. it seems rather inefficient to me to have things done that way, but whatever. class discussions would be much more focused and achieve more (i think) with the knowledge dealt pre-reading, but perhaps that's just how my brain works.

also, i'm still not sure over all WHAT is supposed to be gained/ be the goal of this degree. i mean, besides the obvious of having an M.A. what do i do with it? where do i go next, you know? do i really want to do more school? really, what's the point if it's just me, pulling bullshit out of thin air (which i feel it is 95% of the time) and making it sound good? why should i be paying upwards of $20K a year for guided reading?

i don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but i just want to feel like i'm a) actually learning something cohesive b) participating in intellectual discourse c) given more concrete guidelines of what to expect from this program d) given guidance from staff as to what next.

is that really so much to ask????

grateful for mom...

...even when she makes me wanted to tear my hair out.

i have been battling a GIANT case of the blues. or apathy. or malaise. not quite sure. so even though i talked to her yesterday, i called up my mom. less because of the whole moms-give-great-encouragement-thing and more of the she just finished grad. school herself a year ago thing.

i know by now i should be writing my paper. i've done the research, i've made the outline and i even *successfully* presented on it! (yea me!) but it's the actual doing it that i'm now struggling with. originally i told myself that i would begin today--> start with something easy. straightforward. like, the bibliography. you know, no real thought required. and yet...

here it is, quarter after six p.m. and my emotional state has been crashed with a giant wrecking ball. i have no drive. no desire. even though i know tomorrow i will have no time, and wednesday is class and thursday i have a doctor's appointment and friday-next tuesday i work...and the busy cycle begins again. i STILL can't make myself sit down and f*cking do the easy part.

so i called mom. and vented. for an hour and a half. about school and work and not having enough money and worrying if i'm doing the right thing by being in school and what am i going to do with this degree anyways and crap! it's 5:30 and i've only eaten a croissant today and why do i feel like i'm stuck in molasses and why don't i have any direction or drive and how come i can't sleep through the night even once on and on and on...

and she listens. to all my worrying. and tells me to eat. even if it's crap or just a bowl of cereal. and she makes me want to cry because she makes it sound so easy, like, why can't i just buck up and take care of myself and my own damned problems? and i resolve to do something...even if it's just look through my research and organize it...but then i get off the phone and am sooooooo wiped. drained. and all i can do is write about what i just went through and manage, yet again, to put off the inevitable.

WHY CAN'T I PULL MY ACT TOGETHER?!?!

why do i even bother?

like charlie brown...

...an overwhelming wave of self-pity is slowly consuming my thoughts, as of late.

i want to be somewhere else- not stuck here for the remainder of my grad program. i read about where my friends are (either in life, or quite literally where they are in the world) both via blogs and the ubiquitous facebook and wish i was the one having the grand adventures. i realise that going back to school and pursuing further knowledge is an adventure in itself, but one that- at least for the time being- requires me to a) stay physically put, in close proximity to school and b) makes "responsible" decisions that are affected directly by the fact i have to remain put.

no taking long trips- can't afford them, can't miss class/work, who'd watch the kittens?

must have at least one source of income- to afford staples/ rent/ food/etc. which means no long trips

no "me time"- have to do homework, read class materials, spend time in transit to/from class

can't afford a car- so it takes forever to get anywhere, also prevents day trips of any kind

local friends are all busy- in school/work/etc. and right now, all have more income

GOOD GRIEF.

anyone have a football???

ack! laziness onset already???

i don't WANT to be lazy and "take it easy", but here i am, with 3 readings left to do and no desire to start them. they may be incredibly interesting (the first 2 weren't) but what has me the most hung up on right now is i don't have a "hard"(a.k.a. physical) copy of them--2 are adobe pdf files and the other copy/pasted from the internet into open office.

i have no home printer right now, so that rules that out, and considering class is once a week (wednesday nights) and the professor doesn't post the readings before class, i can't print them out easily while on campus. ::sigh:: part of me is even torn that i *HAVE* to print them out- i hate the waste of paper! sure it makes underlining and highlighting easier but what would make my world, would be the ability to go into the documents, highlight/circle/star/underline the important parts, and then go print off the final product.

i have tried having both adobe open and open office so i can type parts i find relevant and quotes (which is what we have to prepare for class: find the main points of each reading and back it up with quotes that support or even disprove the points--to be used to help facilitate in class discussion). that way, i could cut/paste the quotes from the adobe INTO my prep-work and would find summarizing/paraphrasing less taxing--i'm so hung up on the not-being-able-to-move/remove-anything-from-adobe right now. yes, a faulty quirk, i know.

why am i having such a tough time making myself just DO THE READINGS already? why is digital medium for reading texts so obnoxious? and why am i having such difficulty finding relevance this week compared to last week?????

ACK!!!!!!!

any helpful hints, post-grads???