may 20th, 2011-->mark your calendar!

i have been (keep your fingers crossed!) granted permission to participate in graduation! i can walk with my co-horts! woot! double woot! triple woot!

now, all i have to do to get the damn diploma is: 1. write a 20 page paper for one class 2. come up with and execute a prject on policy change for my other class 3. find a VIABLE summer language class ( i have one in the works, it still needs to be approved, then finagled from 3 credits to 4 credits) 4. finish the summer class 5. get my diploma

can i do it folks, with less than a month to go??? will i sleep? will i lose my sanity? will i drrive my family and friends up the wall?

manic pixie dream girl me

without the whole shallow, looking to fulfill some dude's utter happiness whilst ignoring my own.

but seriously, how is it that in my LAST semester i utterly totally and completely have lost interest in getting this degree? in going to class? in trying to challenge myself? i'd rather just go about doing my job, finding another, volunteering, farmer's market-ing, cooking/baking at home, loving my cats, crafting, reading for pleasure---> all for the rest of my life. maybe learn how to can and make preserves and shit like that.

i see what other people my age have accomplished and what i'm doing *PALES* in comparison: so why do i bother? i'm not asking you, dear reader, for the answer. my problem is  i don't have an answer. i have no idea why i'm getting this degree. or thinking about getting one after it. i have no clue what type of "career" i want. i have no goals for what i hope to achieve. i have no desire/drive to be published, go to conferences, network, etc. so why the fuck am i still dragging myself 2-hours-via-transit away to be in a program i find utterly overwhelming and yet, utterly under-performing to my expectations!!!!

i'm so sick of feeling like i want to crawl in a cave and just stay there permanently...which is how i feel when i think about school.

"dirty little secret"

since yesterday, i have been seriously contemplating e-mailing my professor and telling him i am sick and will be missing class. and this is the class i feel less disappointed in/upset about. even right now, at approx. 1 p.m. i still really really want to, but don't know how i would explain to my spousal unit why i'm still at home. ditching class? really? me???

i haven't wanted to do that since undergrad. and it's not even as if i didn't fully prepare for class or need to skip out due to a test. i read everything. i even enjoyed it. i just don't want to go. don't want to spend over an hour via public transit to get there, sit for 3.5 hours, spend another hour in getting home, all to eat dinner ridiculously late and spend an hour before sleeping with my bugga. (i want more time with him, dammit. not less)

i should be reading stuff for thursday but i can't seem to motivate myself. i'd rather read the book i bought yesterday or spend time on the internet. i really *LIKED* thursday's class until the prof. announced that by not participating verbally, one gets DOWNGRADED. so now classtime gets wasted on everyone trying to make sure they speak, and nothing of value gets accomplished!!!!

i'm so miffed i could spit nails!

and as if i didn't need other external issues pissing me off and making me question why i'm even in school, there was this little article i stumbled across: http://jezebel.com/5637642/women-get-more-phds-than-men-academia-possibly-to-discover-gender-balance the title sounds promising right? more women getting PhD's. until it goes into how that's actually a disadvantage to women because the fields they are getting PhD's in are now seen as "feminized" and "less important" than the traditionally "masculine" fields (math, science, etc.)

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

back-to-school BLAHS ???

with only a week now under my belt, this second year of grad school has me feeling totally, well, BLAH. not sure if it's because i'm having a hard time getting back into the groove of things, or because i feel so physically/mentally lethargic or what. i'm even having a harder than usual time of feeding myself! case in point-- it's approx. noon-thirty as i type this and i finally got around to making my fav. snack (toast with marmite, smoked cheddar and a fried egg). while it's packed full of vitamins and protein and stuff, it's the only thing i've eaten today. i'm going to take some grapes and leftover (yes! leftover!!! shocking, i know) spaghetti to class tonight, but should probably eat something else in there. somewhere.

i feel like i can't get anything done. okay, so maybe i did finish my 150-ish pages of early-late tang dynasty poetry/prose but now i can't be bothered to start the readings for my thursday class. i'm too comfortable at home, but if i were to go anywhere, i'd have to lug everything i needed for the rest of the day along with.and my anthology of chinese literature pre-1911 book is wicked heavy! UGH.

i just feel so >meh< about everything. nothing motivates me. nothing excites me. this does not bode well for the semester....

grateful for mom...

...even when she makes me wanted to tear my hair out.

i have been battling a GIANT case of the blues. or apathy. or malaise. not quite sure. so even though i talked to her yesterday, i called up my mom. less because of the whole moms-give-great-encouragement-thing and more of the she just finished grad. school herself a year ago thing.

i know by now i should be writing my paper. i've done the research, i've made the outline and i even *successfully* presented on it! (yea me!) but it's the actual doing it that i'm now struggling with. originally i told myself that i would begin today--> start with something easy. straightforward. like, the bibliography. you know, no real thought required. and yet...

here it is, quarter after six p.m. and my emotional state has been crashed with a giant wrecking ball. i have no drive. no desire. even though i know tomorrow i will have no time, and wednesday is class and thursday i have a doctor's appointment and friday-next tuesday i work...and the busy cycle begins again. i STILL can't make myself sit down and f*cking do the easy part.

so i called mom. and vented. for an hour and a half. about school and work and not having enough money and worrying if i'm doing the right thing by being in school and what am i going to do with this degree anyways and crap! it's 5:30 and i've only eaten a croissant today and why do i feel like i'm stuck in molasses and why don't i have any direction or drive and how come i can't sleep through the night even once on and on and on...

and she listens. to all my worrying. and tells me to eat. even if it's crap or just a bowl of cereal. and she makes me want to cry because she makes it sound so easy, like, why can't i just buck up and take care of myself and my own damned problems? and i resolve to do something...even if it's just look through my research and organize it...but then i get off the phone and am sooooooo wiped. drained. and all i can do is write about what i just went through and manage, yet again, to put off the inevitable.

WHY CAN'T I PULL MY ACT TOGETHER?!?!

why do i even bother?

forgetabily forgoing food (and other quandries)

anyone who knew me during my undergraduate reign, knows i am AWFUL at taking care of myself--particularly in the food department. i enjoy cooking (for the most part) but *hate* eating leftovers. and have never been good at making meals for one. sure there's the "sandwich concept" but i prefer hot food to cold. so, i ate a LOT of ramen, microwavable meals, mac and cheese, boca burgers, pickles, cereal, dried fruit, etc.

now that i KNOW better, i have an even harder time of making sure i am fed. and well-fed. and balanced food at that. oh yeah, and local and organic. :::sigh::: i have tons of amazing farmer's market finds in my fridge, but do i really want to take the time/effort to make something and then deal with the mess???? NOOOOoooo. so do i end up buying lunch on the run and crap at the cafeteria during my class break? yep.

i know it sounds petulant and spoiled of me, but i really need someone to make me eat well. if that includes making it for me, well, so be it. if i had the money, a personal chef would be great!!!

in other news---i have yet to even OPEN the pdf file of the assigned reading for tonight's class. i guess it is hard to give a shit when (on the syllabus) there were 3 additional readings listed, but only one managed to make it to blackboard. and i really feel like i need a night off. hell, a month off would be great.

sometimes i truly wonder if going back to school was such a great idea after all. it's thrown everything else out of whack AND, at least this semester, i have little to no motivation to do anything. and am spending over $10,000 to not give a shit. ARGH.

sweet zombie buddha! (and other class issues)

okay, i kid you not, the first hour and 45 minutes of class were spent talking about AN ANALOGY of buddhist ideas as seen in a zombie movie. probably not the best parallel but that's not the point. the point is, why the %^*($&)*# did we spend that much time on a fucking analogy?!?!

and why do we keep coming back to the same damn subject: thing=nothing. who cares that our minds don't quite get it? it's only because we are using very loaded words to discuss complicated, metaphysical and spiritual concepts. we may struggle with using the terms interchangably but that's due to our culture. our upbringing.

i really wish we would just use the "original" pali terms (or even sanskrt) so we wouldn't waste HOURS on word bullshit!!!!!!

twentyten

here's to a prosperous new year to all!


i have never been one for making resolutions. but this year/this decade feels auspiciously perfect for new beginnings. so, while i would hesitate to call the below "resolutions", i will think of them as steps/guidelines for living abundantly in this new year.

1. nurture my creative spirit (even if it's only on the small scale): i managed  to score a copy of "the artists way" for $1 at the creative reuse depot. while i can't guarantee that i will follow it religiously, i think using it as a tool may be helpful. the part about artist dates in particular. i have no "goal" of finishing it in the 12-week manner it proponents but i will be working my way through it.

2. make better choices in taking care of myself: this one will require lots of baby steps and covers a range of issues. from making sure that i eat when i feel hungry (and not just ignore it) to staying properly hydrated. also things like following through on regular or semi-regular acupuncture, learning to like/accept myself/ compliment myself/ get my mojo back, consuming less (in the consumerism sense) and consuming less of things that are bad for me.

3. re-find my faith. in myself. in g_d. in humanity. in the greater good. in optimism. this on is also a tall order. it helps that, when the semester begins, my main class will be on asian philosophy and religion. what a great place to start! as for the others, with all the other work i'll be doing, i can only hope they will fall into place---but i'm not expecting miracles. it's hard to have any amount of faith in humanity as a whole--the minute something amazing and awe inspiring happens, giving me hope that people *don't* suck, i get reminded of the fact that people close to me believe any of the following: that sarah palin would make a great vicepresidential candidate; that our current president is a secret muslim terrorist because he won't 'support' the national day of prayer; that there is NO SUCH THING as global warming, etc. etc. etc.

here is to new beginnings!

holy gripes, batman!

i realize i must come off as a whiny bitch. or at least, an eternal pessimist. but this is my "free space" away from the times and places i have to be cheerful and upbeat. away from the demands put upon me. this is where i go to vent steam because virtually everywhere else, everyone is sick of hearing it.

it's not that bad./ it could be so much worse. or
you should focus on what you have going for you. or
be grateful you still have [xyz]. count your blessings. or
geez, stop complaining. so many people out there have it way worse than you- you could have [situation xyz].

awesome. just what i needed to hear- a formulaic catch phrase. great. nothing cheers me up like those pearls of wisdom...

look, i get it. you are all correct. "at least i'm not starving in a back alley in a 3rd world country with no access to clean water or fresh food or a  toilet while battling some horrid life-threatening disease," right? i've never asked for a glamorous life. i just would like, for once, to catch a small break. since moving out here, i haven't had a chance to "take it easy" or to "do something for enjoyment" and while that sucks ass- in my opinion- but what really gets to me is the fact that i can't even take care of the things that really need taking care of for my own sense of health and well-being.

i'm not talking yoga here--though i would love to have the time and money to study iyengar again. no, i'm talking about problems/issues i have had to go years without fixing: both external and internal. i should be in therapy (and was for a time---can't afford it any more) and should be on drugs (the prescription, chemical imbalance-fixing kind--but can't afford those either); i should be going to acupuncture regularly (community acupuncture is much more affordable than visits to the doctor, and i believe, better for you) for my f*ed up back, tmj, migraines, cramps, and other personal issues; i should probably see a chiropractor; i have an emergency dental surgery coming up because i can't afford regular check-ups/cleanings; amd the list goes on and on and on.

i am sick of seeing/hearing of how much better (success/luck/careers/ income/ creativity/ life) everyone else i know seems to be doing. i know, logically, that just because something seems externally great doesn't mean it really is. but all my life, i was always told by others--those older than me, who i respected and admired--  how incredibly smart/ intelligent i was. how incredibly talented i was.

well, either they were lying straight to my face (which is a possibility) or life/g_d is playing a cruel trick on me (also possible) or somehow my talent/intelligence just doesn't matter in the greater scheme of life----because here i am, age 28 and a half. working 2, low-paying, part-time jobs in the service industry. with absolutely nothing to show for it: no house. no car. no "successful" (or even interesting) career. no diploma from an ivy-league school. no awards. no accomplishments. nada. zip. zilch. zero.

so what the hell is the point? when do i get my dues? i have continually worked my ass off and haven't done a single thing just for myself in at least 5 years. because i can't f*in' afford to. can't take the time off/need to make money JUST TO GET BY.

:::sigh:::

i just want to understand why. where did i go wrong???

one year ago

it is absolutely incredible to me what a difference a year can make.at this time last year, i was working a job i hated loathed. however, i was making for the first time in my "american life" a living wage ( i did as well during my time in japan, but the circumstances there were way favorable: subsidized housing among many). bills were paid in full--including the dreaded credit card--my savings account was growing, my ability to take trips was only limited by the time i could take off from work. i bought my family NICE christmas presents....

what a study in contrasts.

one year ago: a single paycheck covered rent + utilities. today: it takes 4 paychecks to equal JUST rent
one year ago: i could go home for christmas for 10 days. today: i will be working at least 2, possibly 3 jobs over break just to stay "afloat"
one year ago: i could afford "luxuries" like donation-based yoga, therapy & acupuncture today: even i could find the time to get to such things, i have to prioritize things like my upcoming root canal/dental surgery sans insurance.
one year ago: i could get or make meaningful presents for gifts today: time-factor aside, i'm only making $90/week before taxes
one year ago: my tendency to over-dramatize the fragile state of my income was gently mocked today: i seriously worry what would happen in case of any emergency... since losing my job in april (before i got the very part-time one i have now) i have incurred over $3000 in medical bills.  and they were technically non-emergencies.

i haven't had a vacation (which didn't involve either family of hosting a friend) in over 5 years. i hate to think that to pay for a single credit of my graduate education i would have to put in over 100 hours at my very-part-time job. but with the amount of schoolwork required, i feel it's near impossible to juggle 2 jobs during the academic year.

i hate feeling so helpless while at the same time knowing full well there are so many other people in this world facing greater struggles, greater suffering.

one year ago, i may have been miserable and stressed out to the max, but i was financially secure. today, my stresses are of a different nature and i don't hate my job. what to do? what to do?

identity crisis

can you have an identity crisis when you are no longer sure of your identity? a lack-of-identity crisis? if so, i'm thick in the midst of one.

i want to travel back in time to when i was sure of who i am and what i wanted out of life....

when i felt comfortable in my own skin and being myself....

when i felt confident. strong. resilient...angry.


blip. blip. blip. blip. blip. blip....................

week of DOOM

i wish i were a stronger person. that i could persevere in the face of difficult challenges and thrive in such an environment. that i could juggle multiple daunting tasks without feeling like an emotional train-wreck-meets-zombie.

this coming week i have a mid-term for my language class with very little idea of what i need to prepare. i was given a list of verb patterns i should know, but no idea beyond that. her quizzes have been near impossible--because instead of making them straightforward, she combines multiple elements per question. which is all fine and good for homework or in class, but on a quiz CHECK TO SEE IF YOUR STUDENTS GET THE BASICS!!!!! then move on to more challenging things.

on my last quiz, i got a 37.5/50 points, which doesn't seem to poor until you do the math:75%. i am working my ass off in this class but am at a disadvantage. if i was tested on the basics, i would *ace* it. and i need to keep a "good grade" in this class, because if you dip below a "B", you go on academic probation!

and in my other class, as fate would have it, my group has to present again. yippee! just what i needed-- the stress of reading a 400 page book, 5 30-page supplemental readings, write a 7-10 page paper and present it--ON TOP OF preparing my ass off for this midterm!!! and the "best part"-the other 2 girls in my language class don't have their group presentation this week so they can focus all their energy on the exam- while my attention is divided.

MOST AWESOME.

anyone want to knock me out so i have a reason to postpone my inevitable doom???

mustard on a lightbulb

a friend of mine once coined that phrase "like mustard on a lightbulb", as in "like a kid in a candy shop" or "like white on rice". as if putting mustard on a lightbulb were simple. easy. uncomplicated. not to argue with the one who basically invented this phrase, but i'd like to further expand it to mean- something that may be easy to do, but fruitless/pointless and then finally, frustrating because you can no longer use it.

this is exactly how i feel about the hours i spent studying today--on top of the 2-3 hours spent each day since thursday studying for that damn language class!!!

it would be one thing if this were the only class i was taking- i'd be able to focus on it solely/ pour all my energy into mastering what i am trying to make up for. but alas, grad school doesn't work that way...and even though my teacher seemed understanding of how far removed my skills were from the other students, it's becoming apparent that i am in **WAY** over my head.

to use an analogy: it's like you have just successfully read "hop on pop" (or other super-basic dr. seuss book) in the language that you are studying and you feel on top of the world, like you can conquer anything. and then you get to class and are expected to be able to read/write/translate Shakespeare in the same language....

i am in no way trying to undermine my ability to rise to a challenge but---it ain't gonna happen and i don't know what to do next. do i ask if it's too late to transfer DOWN to the beginning level class? (because that, sadly, is the only other option that may possibly be available to me at this point in time) or do i get increasing overwhelmed by the amount of "makeup" a.k.a. REDO homework that i have to fix on top of the current weeks homework, vocabulary, listening comprehension, quiz prep and translation project??

head full...words failing...

tonight i have my first quiz! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!

my head is so crammed full of verbs tenses, patterns, conjugations of adjectives AND nouns (that's right folks---nouns!) i can only hope now that all my studying will come to fruition and i can do my best! hopefully it will just be a quiz on the tenses, not on the other vocabulary i supposedly should have learned.....

eep.