things are a foot!

i won't go into much detail here- in part because this is my public forum and in part because i don't want to inadvertantly jinx things- but there are...stirrings. things are moving in a direction that is (hopefully) positive and fulfilling. slowly moving but moving none-the-less. i hope they will be coming to fruition by T's birthday (early october).

for more details keep checking in, or, if you have access to my private blog, go there for more info!

manic pixie dream girl me

without the whole shallow, looking to fulfill some dude's utter happiness whilst ignoring my own.

but seriously, how is it that in my LAST semester i utterly totally and completely have lost interest in getting this degree? in going to class? in trying to challenge myself? i'd rather just go about doing my job, finding another, volunteering, farmer's market-ing, cooking/baking at home, loving my cats, crafting, reading for pleasure---> all for the rest of my life. maybe learn how to can and make preserves and shit like that.

i see what other people my age have accomplished and what i'm doing *PALES* in comparison: so why do i bother? i'm not asking you, dear reader, for the answer. my problem is  i don't have an answer. i have no idea why i'm getting this degree. or thinking about getting one after it. i have no clue what type of "career" i want. i have no goals for what i hope to achieve. i have no desire/drive to be published, go to conferences, network, etc. so why the fuck am i still dragging myself 2-hours-via-transit away to be in a program i find utterly overwhelming and yet, utterly under-performing to my expectations!!!!

i'm so sick of feeling like i want to crawl in a cave and just stay there permanently...which is how i feel when i think about school.

group work migraines

sigh.

i usually love group work. i do. i enjoy the collaborative process- the uniting of different perspectives to reach the same ultimate outcome: a cohesive project. but right now, i just want to smash open my head with a hammer.

i have a lovely group. great people. smart. insightful. unfortunately, i am the only native english speaker- which doesn't usually make a huge difference. they are all excellent students (well, maybe not all, but i'm trying hard to not jump to rash, hastily drawn conclusions) but it's super super difficult for them to write formal responses in their 2nd language to passages they had to read (and usually decipher *from*) their 2nd language! and understandably so--if i had to write a paper in Japanese or French, it would sound like a mentally deficient Kindergarten-er had written it!!!

so how do i, who is rather competitive when it comes to class performance, juggle the fact that the other sections may not "live up to my standards"? and does the professor take into account the fact that, in a group, only one of the students is used to and comfortable with written papers and presentations in English? is it okay to ask the professor that? and how does one do it in a tactful manner??

OY VEY. i feel like shit 'complaining' about something that is so unchangeable and culture-ist (is that a term? it should be!!) of me. i'm going to go hang my head in shame now....