things that currently terrify me

i debated whether or not i was going to make this entry. not only because it has been so long since my last update that i fear no one will even read this, but also because i feel it is testing the limits of my own boundaries of public vs. private life.

suffice it to say, it has come to a point where, i have no other outlet in which i can turn to for "help": my parents never quite "get it", my spouse has many of the same fears/terrors as i do and already bears so much for me, my circle of friends/acquaintances, i fear, see me as a pessimistic naysayer---and i don't feel i can share this/ talk about all this with anyone directly. this is NOT to gain sympathy or pity. it is to get my anger/rage/frustration out at a situation which feels insurmountable. so here i go.

warning: below page break exists all the shit i'm dealing with. if you really don't want to know what is going on, it's cool, just don't read on. if you *DO*, consider this fair warning.

holy gripes, batman!

i realize i must come off as a whiny bitch. or at least, an eternal pessimist. but this is my "free space" away from the times and places i have to be cheerful and upbeat. away from the demands put upon me. this is where i go to vent steam because virtually everywhere else, everyone is sick of hearing it.

it's not that bad./ it could be so much worse. or
you should focus on what you have going for you. or
be grateful you still have [xyz]. count your blessings. or
geez, stop complaining. so many people out there have it way worse than you- you could have [situation xyz].

awesome. just what i needed to hear- a formulaic catch phrase. great. nothing cheers me up like those pearls of wisdom...

look, i get it. you are all correct. "at least i'm not starving in a back alley in a 3rd world country with no access to clean water or fresh food or a  toilet while battling some horrid life-threatening disease," right? i've never asked for a glamorous life. i just would like, for once, to catch a small break. since moving out here, i haven't had a chance to "take it easy" or to "do something for enjoyment" and while that sucks ass- in my opinion- but what really gets to me is the fact that i can't even take care of the things that really need taking care of for my own sense of health and well-being.

i'm not talking yoga here--though i would love to have the time and money to study iyengar again. no, i'm talking about problems/issues i have had to go years without fixing: both external and internal. i should be in therapy (and was for a time---can't afford it any more) and should be on drugs (the prescription, chemical imbalance-fixing kind--but can't afford those either); i should be going to acupuncture regularly (community acupuncture is much more affordable than visits to the doctor, and i believe, better for you) for my f*ed up back, tmj, migraines, cramps, and other personal issues; i should probably see a chiropractor; i have an emergency dental surgery coming up because i can't afford regular check-ups/cleanings; amd the list goes on and on and on.

i am sick of seeing/hearing of how much better (success/luck/careers/ income/ creativity/ life) everyone else i know seems to be doing. i know, logically, that just because something seems externally great doesn't mean it really is. but all my life, i was always told by others--those older than me, who i respected and admired--  how incredibly smart/ intelligent i was. how incredibly talented i was.

well, either they were lying straight to my face (which is a possibility) or life/g_d is playing a cruel trick on me (also possible) or somehow my talent/intelligence just doesn't matter in the greater scheme of life----because here i am, age 28 and a half. working 2, low-paying, part-time jobs in the service industry. with absolutely nothing to show for it: no house. no car. no "successful" (or even interesting) career. no diploma from an ivy-league school. no awards. no accomplishments. nada. zip. zilch. zero.

so what the hell is the point? when do i get my dues? i have continually worked my ass off and haven't done a single thing just for myself in at least 5 years. because i can't f*in' afford to. can't take the time off/need to make money JUST TO GET BY.

:::sigh:::

i just want to understand why. where did i go wrong???

...slipping, everythings slipping away

i don't know how much longer i can hold on. each week gets progressively more and more daunting and instead of feeling confident, i feel worn out--"like little butter over too much bread".  i can barely keep up with the readings- mainly because half of them are being posted mid-week and i don't have a printer at home. (yes, i do read them online, but then it's next to impossible to reference direct quotes/passages in class).

 by the time i get to class at night i'm so worm out my brain atrophies instead of kicking in, as it did in the beginning. other students have stepped up to participate and they have great things to say: most of them either beat me to my point or make a better one than i could have contributed. and the blackboard discussions online have become like mini-essays full of quotes and theories- i don't know how my fellow classmates find the time to write them! i consider myself lucky if i find *A SINGULAR* point i want to discuss, and it's usually that i want to discuss it--not use texts to illustrate something. it's called a "discussion board" for a reason right???

also, while my tutor thinks i'm getting a good grasp on my language, the teacher continues to pull shit out of mid-air and put it on tests without: a) ever having practiced it OR EVEN discussed it in class b) having it been practiced in homework and c) even mentioning that we should make sure to review the (to use an actual example) example sentences given when introducing new verb patterns! during our class break last night i had to leave the classroom so i could go somewhere and cry! this woman is making me hate the language!!! she doesn't seem to care that i'm "just not getting it" because the other 2 girls are---oh wait! they're still a whole year ahead of me in their study! gee....i wonder why....

i may have to re-take it next semester to get a better grade on my transcript which pisses me off for too many reasons to go into. i am so frustrated with this program- with not feeling like i am getting any support from the school OR teachers. with not knowing week to week what my homework load is going to look like so i can plan accordingly. with feeling friendless and stupid.

and now, i have to go get ready because it will take over an hour to get to my volunteer shift, from which i go directly to class. i will end up spending too much money on crappy food while the yummy stuff i have at home goes to waste because i'm never home to eat it!!!!!!

simply unpoetic

i want to write brilliantly. the kind of writing that just flows onto the pages, melodic and easy to read. that makes people want to keep reading. that inspires them to think. to respond.

i used to have it in me. now, i don't so much.

i follow other blogs that are way more entertaining/ witty/ verbose.

maybe i just don't have anything interesting to write about.

maybe, in my attempt to keep some sense of anonymity, i lose the power of what i could be saying?

maybe i need to shower and load up on B vitamins....

i never thought that being a student again could physically and mentally drain me as much as it does. i feel like a robo-zombie by the end of the day wednesday and then, thursday, its "start on homework day" so it can all be done for the following tuesday.

will i really have to wait until december for some quality "me time"???

of a "certain age"

well huh. i guess this can be recorded here if for nothing else than posterity's sake. but, since it has happened within the context of my being a graduate student and life *surrounding* being a graduate student---> it works as part of this blog.

this past week, i have been put into two drastically different categories of age. neither one, terribly insulting but both troublesome. i have been thought to be a teenager. i have been thought to be a "mother" (and no, not a teenage-mom)

situation a: i volunteer part time. this past week, we had a new volunteer. we did the slightly awkward "tell me about yourself and why you decided to volunteer here" thing. i mention in passing i'm married (or made reference to my husband). she gets this blank, wide-eyed look- but i'm used to this. she then asks how long we've been married. 'oh, about 4 and a half years now.' the look turns to shock and she sputters out: "can i ask how old you are?" 28. relief passes over her and in a very kind, and flattering tone she quips: 'you look like you're still in high school!"

high school

situations b& c: (a 2 part-er)

part b:quick, necessary background info- spousal unit and i have missed like 2 months of church due to busy-ness/oversleeping and laziness. we're finally back this week. older lady says to spouse: "oh i see you're back finally. did you have your baby?" gah-what now?!?! there were a few times i had older women ask me if i was pregnant (which i don't get, beyond the fact i own an abundance of 'peasant' style tops) but WTF?!?!

part c: i'm sitting on the bus, on my way to class and my ridiculously heavy backpack is in the seat next to me. I get up to leave the bus, and when putting my backpack on, the woman seated across from me asks: "Is that your daughter's backpack?" HUH?! first of all, why would you even assume it belongs to a daughter and not me, who's getting off at the stop in front of a college??!! second, i look old enough to have a kid in school????

i just don't get it...

second thoughts...

there are moments when i more than second guess myself- and today i am having one GIANT "what-the-frack-am-i-doing?" day.

here's why (in brief):

- i cried IN CLASS last night because i just couldn't "get" the conjugation patterns. and it was still a 'review' class.

- i haven't figured out yet if my unemployment checks have been "frozen" on account of sheer stupidity.

- my brain hurts.

- i feel so emotionally exhausted from trying to keep up that i was out cold last night from 11:30 until 10:45 this morning. i haven't slept like that since i was like, 5.

- i hardly get to see my spousal unit- unless i visit him at work. i don't want to be one of those couples that gets driven apart because we never see each other/ have quality time together.

- i can't imagine how i would potentially balance a job and school work- and i'm only a week in.

i know logically, i shouldn't second guess myself, but there is a huge part of me that wants to turn and RUN the other way. to move somewhere "affordable" (read: rent is under $800/month) that has a stable job market instead of squeaking by on one part-time job and student loans in an ass-expensive location with a dying job market....

why did i have to pick now to go back???