PANIC (at the disco!)

t-minus one week until graduation. so many things left to accomplish/square away and feeling awash in the quagmire of panic. in order of importance:

1. write my paper for politics (hopefully accomplished by tuesday)
2. complete the online federal loan exit survey, or my grades will not be released :(
3. Project proposal for my other class--a blessedly short write up
4. try to do one more update of my project before having to present it on thursday
5. FIGURE OUT SUMMER LANGUAGE!!!---> things that are impeding my search:
    A. the above numbers, 1-4
    B. It needs to be at least four credits (most i can find are 3)
    C. it needs to work with/around my work schedule.I need to work at least 4 days a week. shifts at work   are either 11-4 OR 4-9.  everything i have found out there so far would not allow me to work as much as i need to, there by making living/eating/paying rent a pain in the arse.
    D. If i don't find one that can give me 4 credits, i will NOT receive my diploma
    E. ideally, i would *like* to continue studying japanese (since, you know, i'd like to actually get proficient at it) but institutions around here only offer intro levels over the summer. or 3-credit classes.

i'm having a hard time keeping food down and sleeping with regularity. when i do sleep, i'm addled with dreams that are bordering on night terrors. i know to try and breathe and take one day at a time, but this feels like an epic crux/ turning point in my life and why the frak can't things just fall into place a little bit better??? this langauge thing has been a pain in my ass since the begining.

may 20th, 2011-->mark your calendar!

i have been (keep your fingers crossed!) granted permission to participate in graduation! i can walk with my co-horts! woot! double woot! triple woot!

now, all i have to do to get the damn diploma is: 1. write a 20 page paper for one class 2. come up with and execute a prject on policy change for my other class 3. find a VIABLE summer language class ( i have one in the works, it still needs to be approved, then finagled from 3 credits to 4 credits) 4. finish the summer class 5. get my diploma

can i do it folks, with less than a month to go??? will i sleep? will i lose my sanity? will i drrive my family and friends up the wall?

ode to keats

(i went and saw "bright star" yesterday- staggeringly, heart-wrenchingly beautiful film. after words, i wrote this)

fragile poet
sallow-cheeked, peak & pallid
what exquisite agony expressed
in words; clinging to my memory
as the lone remaining autumn leaf to the oak.
momentary ecstasy-
as ruinous to my delicate heart
as your tortured glances,
thick with luminous transcendence.
insipid, icy winds,
petulant in their perturbation of the oak leaf
blow.
my heart, my memory remain
eternally yours.

tell me all your thoughts on god....

while walking through the downtown area yesterday i had one of those moments that, for whatever reason, embeds itself in your brain. a punk-ass little preteen was goofing around with his friends when he got hurt (i guess) and exclaimed "jesus christ that hurt!" not too abnormal. besides being taken aback due to how young he was--and then remembering my old bus commute where kids even younger swore so much it made *MY* ears hurt--i began to wonder...


does the power of the words lose power if the symbolic meanings attached to them aren't there??? the area (and culture) i live in is not known for its judeo-christian background or for housing a plethora of religious institutions of the judeo-christian variety. do phrases like "jesus christ", "god damn" or even "go to hell" cease to hold as much symbolic power if the person uttering them is an atheist? a buddhist? a hindu? a pagan?

are there atheist/buddhist/hindu/pagan equivalents to judeo-christian blasphemy? do people use these terms because they learned them from television? does it mean anything to them *personally* beyond being seen as "swear words lite"?

week of DOOM

i wish i were a stronger person. that i could persevere in the face of difficult challenges and thrive in such an environment. that i could juggle multiple daunting tasks without feeling like an emotional train-wreck-meets-zombie.

this coming week i have a mid-term for my language class with very little idea of what i need to prepare. i was given a list of verb patterns i should know, but no idea beyond that. her quizzes have been near impossible--because instead of making them straightforward, she combines multiple elements per question. which is all fine and good for homework or in class, but on a quiz CHECK TO SEE IF YOUR STUDENTS GET THE BASICS!!!!! then move on to more challenging things.

on my last quiz, i got a 37.5/50 points, which doesn't seem to poor until you do the math:75%. i am working my ass off in this class but am at a disadvantage. if i was tested on the basics, i would *ace* it. and i need to keep a "good grade" in this class, because if you dip below a "B", you go on academic probation!

and in my other class, as fate would have it, my group has to present again. yippee! just what i needed-- the stress of reading a 400 page book, 5 30-page supplemental readings, write a 7-10 page paper and present it--ON TOP OF preparing my ass off for this midterm!!! and the "best part"-the other 2 girls in my language class don't have their group presentation this week so they can focus all their energy on the exam- while my attention is divided.

MOST AWESOME.

anyone want to knock me out so i have a reason to postpone my inevitable doom???

group work migraines

sigh.

i usually love group work. i do. i enjoy the collaborative process- the uniting of different perspectives to reach the same ultimate outcome: a cohesive project. but right now, i just want to smash open my head with a hammer.

i have a lovely group. great people. smart. insightful. unfortunately, i am the only native english speaker- which doesn't usually make a huge difference. they are all excellent students (well, maybe not all, but i'm trying hard to not jump to rash, hastily drawn conclusions) but it's super super difficult for them to write formal responses in their 2nd language to passages they had to read (and usually decipher *from*) their 2nd language! and understandably so--if i had to write a paper in Japanese or French, it would sound like a mentally deficient Kindergarten-er had written it!!!

so how do i, who is rather competitive when it comes to class performance, juggle the fact that the other sections may not "live up to my standards"? and does the professor take into account the fact that, in a group, only one of the students is used to and comfortable with written papers and presentations in English? is it okay to ask the professor that? and how does one do it in a tactful manner??

OY VEY. i feel like shit 'complaining' about something that is so unchangeable and culture-ist (is that a term? it should be!!) of me. i'm going to go hang my head in shame now....

head full...words failing...

tonight i have my first quiz! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!

my head is so crammed full of verbs tenses, patterns, conjugations of adjectives AND nouns (that's right folks---nouns!) i can only hope now that all my studying will come to fruition and i can do my best! hopefully it will just be a quiz on the tenses, not on the other vocabulary i supposedly should have learned.....

eep.

so much for that "high"...

after class last night, i actually felt semi-remotely confident that i would be able to struggle and keep up with the more advanced language students. i even felt fairly assured that the homework would be a relative breeze. HA!

i have now been working on a SINGLE worksheet of what is supposed to be review for over 2.5 hours. there are no instructions, just "follow the pattern"- patterns we briefly went over in class. but now, in the real world i am staring at the fucking sheet of paper confused as all get out as to what EXACTLY i am supposed to do!!!

i know i should just walk away, take a break, *breathe**breathe**BREATHE* but i feel so defeated just giving up on it, because i know i won't understand it any later on. and it's due thursday! THIS thursday. i hate feeling so incompetent...and even though i know the teacher knows i'm "behind", i don't know how to get the help i need!

supposedly there are language tutors on campus but campus is an hour/ hour and a half transit ride away....and where do i go? (see yesterdays entry about lack of campus info available)

F%&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sha ka khan!!!!

first class---DOWN! i deliberately went to campus early to try and print off the handouts and lo-and-behold, my ID card wouldn't let me into the library! WTF?!?! seriously now. my ID let me into the office for my grad program but *not* the library???!?! grrrrr....

and i'd go visit IT, except that, my school's campus doesn't have a single map/directory in sight. you can find one online but guess what??? my shiny new netbook could connect to the internet because i don't know my ID and password.

why? because my ID is my student ID # which, for some bizarro reason, isn't on my student ID card? huh? really?!?! and....where *IS* my student ID #???in an email, which i can't access. fucknuggets!!!

but, on the POSITIVE side (because i promised aunt p it wouldn't all be depressing)- i rocked the shit out of my language class. okay, so not REALLY but...i didn't feel totally lost and...i even knew/remember some things that the other 2 girls didn't so i felt pretty good about that. while i'm not totally confident about where my skills are currently at, i feel alright going forward....:::sigh:::

and that's a good feeling....

let's start at the very beginning...

a very good place to start.

after 6 years of "life experience" i head back to obtain my M.A. starting this monday. already i have had 2 MAJOR panic attacks, multiple minor ones, migraines and night-uopn-night of restless sleep.

the MAJOR attacks were brought on by things outside of my control: class changing it's start date (twice), and a ginormous brouhaha over my language placement and would i (or wouldn't i) have a professor. awesome.

minor attacks brought on by: price of textbooks, price of 'accessories' (pens, pencils, highlighters, file folders, etc.), pricing a netbook for class use, realizing i'm going to have to buy a new printer, being put in a language class *quite* above my ability, having textbooks arrive later than i needed, trying to get books read, trying to catch up in my language and...OH YEAH...class doesn't start until monday.

plus, there is the added stresses of: not having a job (since april- thanks a lot economy), not getting enough financial aid because last year i HAD a job that made decent-ish money, not finding any outside scholarships, not being able to find a new job because none of the ones available make enough money (due to being a student first, i will be returning to work PART time, and part time jobs pay crap.) and the 10 or so interviews i've had since april have not panned out, due to my going back to school. woot.

oh yeah- and- to top it all off my gas/electric bill claims i never paid for july, but i have the carbon check copy that's from that month! WTF?!?! how do i begin to contest that?

ACK!!!!!!

i need rosetta stone mechanically embedded in my brain.