may 20th, 2011-->mark your calendar!

i have been (keep your fingers crossed!) granted permission to participate in graduation! i can walk with my co-horts! woot! double woot! triple woot!

now, all i have to do to get the damn diploma is: 1. write a 20 page paper for one class 2. come up with and execute a prject on policy change for my other class 3. find a VIABLE summer language class ( i have one in the works, it still needs to be approved, then finagled from 3 credits to 4 credits) 4. finish the summer class 5. get my diploma

can i do it folks, with less than a month to go??? will i sleep? will i lose my sanity? will i drrive my family and friends up the wall?

gorram it all

apparently i am supposed to have a fairly concrete idea as to what i am writing my research paper on for one of my classes already. suffice it to say, i barely have an idea as to WHAT the *class* is all about, so how am i supposed to have an idea for a paper? additionally, for the 3rd week in a row, all the discussion questions for class are pointed in the same direction--> blahblahblah china blahblahblah egypt/jordan/bahrain blahblahblah...

i have been faithfully keeping up with the readings, though i could barely say what i got from any of them. i'm sick of circular "debates" in the classroom. i want to discuss other countries/ theories/ topics...but noooooooooo. it's all about china. china's powerful. china's scary. china's a bully. OH WAIT.

didn't britain say the same thing as it was waning and the u.s. was rising to power? and didn't the u.s. say the same exact things about japan back in the 80's/early 90's? i want to know about the other issues affecting international relations/politics!!!!!!!!!

proposed topic

so, assuming it gets "approved" (a.k.a. a better grade than my first paper proposal), here is a brief summary of what i will be writing a paper on for ONE of my classes this semester....

Rebel, Rebel: Soushoku Danshi (“Herbivore Boys”), Makeinu (“Losing Dogs”), and the Queering of “Traditional” Gender Roles in Japan

the end is sight ---> almost.

breathe.

just breathe.

tonight, i give my presentation on my final research paper. it's worth something ridiculous, like 20-25% of my grade. for a ten minute presentation.

i'm nervous.

why is it i always clam up in front of my peers, when (originally) i wanted to be an actor? and loved the stage???
is it because i feel under closer scrutiny? am i trying to hard to "prove" myself? and if so, to whom? to myself? my family? the universe?

sometimes i feel i would have been better off leaving well enough alone and pursuing acting. or just staying put with a bachelor's degree. razzle-frazzle-dazzle!!!!!! i just need to keep a calm head about this. it's nothing. i'm going to talk for 10 measly minutes about something i've been researching the hell out of. i'll be fine.

just breathe.

breathe.

the universe is sending me messages (perhaps)

a week from this wednesday, i must give a ten minute presentation on my final paper. the final paper for which i am now on my FOURTH topic. not because i'm indecisive...no no. because, apparently, the universe is trying to tell me that i'm doomed/cursed/meant(?) to be a professional academic!!!

i have gone through 4 topics because: the first topic (kannon vs kwan yin) was waaaaay too extensive for a 20 page paper. the second topic (shinto myth--specifically kitsune-- as perpetuater of japanese mysogyny) NO ONE had written on. the 3rd topic (generic shinto influence on japanese feminism) *still* had nothing written on it. really. and now, i'm *TRYING* to write on (what i mistakenly assumed would have a wealth of information) how the influx of confucian ideology resulted in the removal of women from acting in traditional japanese theatre AND the repercussions there of, with a bit of gender construction thrown in for good measure.

nothing. nada. zip. plenty on onnagata (female-performing men) and kabuki. yes, kabuki is a traditional theatre form BUT it developed at after the confucian ideals were in place. plenty on Noh--the form that existed pre-confucian influence, but women, if mentioned, are a side note (which, is my point, but doesn't aid in research). plenty on women in theatre AFTER the meiji restoration-but only in western or western influenced productions (again, proof by omission, of sorts).

ARGH! damn damn and double damn!!!

apparently, i suck...

at finding a research topic. or at least, researching a research topic.

maybe i just don't know how to "properly" use library search engines??? i have tried numerous combinations of key words. i have tried just googling the keywords in various combos. yet, to no avail. and i have now attempted 2 different topics. either the research doesn't exsist, and i am looking at hypothetical doctoral theses *OR* (the more likely option) i am doing the search all wrong.

i have even tried link+, as well as local library systems on top of my school's library AND a wide variety of scholarly journal databases.

WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!