are we really still THIS shallow?

rarely do i take the time to muse on things that anger me. i mean, REALLY rile me up. {unless, of course, i am directly affected by something} however, seeing as i am in a liminal space- transitioning from one thing to the next- i came across an article today that really pissed me off.

how is this still considered okay?!?! <---- in this op ed./"real life" piece in jezebel, i was absolutely flored by the number of women who are pressured {either verbally outright or subliminally peer-pressured} to change their appearance to conform to some standard of beauty. while some consider it a type of "dress up", the stories of women who have lost their jobs for not wearing makeup or having the "right" outfit or doing their hair the "right way" {or having it too short!?!?!} is absolutely mind blowing!!!

it is one thing when a uniform is part of a job. or terms of employment are in place in some form of dress code {no visible tattoos, no unnatural hair colorurs, etc., which i personally think is bullshit}, but it is completely different to expect ANYONE to dress/look/act a certain way in order to keep their job, or to grow in their given field. as long as nothing impedes a person from doing a good job, why the fuck should it matter whether or not they wear makeup or color their hair or have "unusual" piercings or wear retro clothing or whatever.

it makes me lose hope that i will ever find something more than an hourly-wage job because i am completely unwilling to conform, to change who i am for someone else.

PANIC (at the disco!)

t-minus one week until graduation. so many things left to accomplish/square away and feeling awash in the quagmire of panic. in order of importance:

1. write my paper for politics (hopefully accomplished by tuesday)
2. complete the online federal loan exit survey, or my grades will not be released :(
3. Project proposal for my other class--a blessedly short write up
4. try to do one more update of my project before having to present it on thursday
5. FIGURE OUT SUMMER LANGUAGE!!!---> things that are impeding my search:
    A. the above numbers, 1-4
    B. It needs to be at least four credits (most i can find are 3)
    C. it needs to work with/around my work schedule.I need to work at least 4 days a week. shifts at work   are either 11-4 OR 4-9.  everything i have found out there so far would not allow me to work as much as i need to, there by making living/eating/paying rent a pain in the arse.
    D. If i don't find one that can give me 4 credits, i will NOT receive my diploma
    E. ideally, i would *like* to continue studying japanese (since, you know, i'd like to actually get proficient at it) but institutions around here only offer intro levels over the summer. or 3-credit classes.

i'm having a hard time keeping food down and sleeping with regularity. when i do sleep, i'm addled with dreams that are bordering on night terrors. i know to try and breathe and take one day at a time, but this feels like an epic crux/ turning point in my life and why the frak can't things just fall into place a little bit better??? this langauge thing has been a pain in my ass since the begining.

i must be getting old

i am currently at an on-campus event (NOT required) but related to one of my papers this semester. it is a lecture/round table discussion on the "global and local perspectives on the politics of pregnancy."

fascinating, right?

no HUGE surprise 95% of the crowd is female...however i can't get over how "exposed" these girls are. and frilly/female in what i consider a stereotypical way. so many plunging necklines, skintight clothing, short/tight skirts, etc. and all i can think is: "you are worth so much more. you don't need to flaunt your legs/boobs/etc. " it makes me feel like a curmudgeonly old cynical bitch.

:::sigh:::

sweet zombie buddha! (and other class issues)

okay, i kid you not, the first hour and 45 minutes of class were spent talking about AN ANALOGY of buddhist ideas as seen in a zombie movie. probably not the best parallel but that's not the point. the point is, why the %^*($&)*# did we spend that much time on a fucking analogy?!?!

and why do we keep coming back to the same damn subject: thing=nothing. who cares that our minds don't quite get it? it's only because we are using very loaded words to discuss complicated, metaphysical and spiritual concepts. we may struggle with using the terms interchangably but that's due to our culture. our upbringing.

i really wish we would just use the "original" pali terms (or even sanskrt) so we wouldn't waste HOURS on word bullshit!!!!!!

open-ended letter to my professor....

dr. x,

understand that i mean no disrespect. you are terribly unmotivating, uninteresting and, in my personal opinion, not qualified to teach our class. perhaps my expectations are high. i mean, it;s not your fault that our previous professor was an incredibly bright, challenging, caring, harvard-educated man who drove us to succeed and inspired us to excel. it's not your fault that i assumed you would be on par with him. it's not your fault that i feel the field in which you specialize is a load of crock.

perhaps, if maybe this week's readings (which you want to have us prepared for wednesday's class) had been posted early enough that i could print them out and therefore underline/highlight them instead of it now being early sunday afternoon and--having no access to a printer-- i will have to rely on reading them on the internet and my paltry attempt at note-taking.

will this continue to be a regular thing? i hope not, because i rely on the IT room on campus to print things. 1) it's much cheaper than the library/ kinko's/ random copy centers per page. 2) it's convienient to print them out on wednesday/thursday before i go to my actual class so i can read them during--oh say my two hour round-trip commute. i can't **DO** that on my laptop because the city isn't wired with free wireless. and i don't have the money to go to cafes everyday to access the internet. and my apartment is out of the question because lord knows there are too many distractions!!!!!

so for the love of pete (whomever he may be) FUCKING POST THE READINGS ON TIME!!!!

then, you may just gain an ounce of respect from me.

sincerely,
embittered grad student

mustard on a lightbulb

a friend of mine once coined that phrase "like mustard on a lightbulb", as in "like a kid in a candy shop" or "like white on rice". as if putting mustard on a lightbulb were simple. easy. uncomplicated. not to argue with the one who basically invented this phrase, but i'd like to further expand it to mean- something that may be easy to do, but fruitless/pointless and then finally, frustrating because you can no longer use it.

this is exactly how i feel about the hours i spent studying today--on top of the 2-3 hours spent each day since thursday studying for that damn language class!!!

it would be one thing if this were the only class i was taking- i'd be able to focus on it solely/ pour all my energy into mastering what i am trying to make up for. but alas, grad school doesn't work that way...and even though my teacher seemed understanding of how far removed my skills were from the other students, it's becoming apparent that i am in **WAY** over my head.

to use an analogy: it's like you have just successfully read "hop on pop" (or other super-basic dr. seuss book) in the language that you are studying and you feel on top of the world, like you can conquer anything. and then you get to class and are expected to be able to read/write/translate Shakespeare in the same language....

i am in no way trying to undermine my ability to rise to a challenge but---it ain't gonna happen and i don't know what to do next. do i ask if it's too late to transfer DOWN to the beginning level class? (because that, sadly, is the only other option that may possibly be available to me at this point in time) or do i get increasing overwhelmed by the amount of "makeup" a.k.a. REDO homework that i have to fix on top of the current weeks homework, vocabulary, listening comprehension, quiz prep and translation project??

financial freeze?!?!

so i get a letter in the mail today from the official unemployment services. it's about a phone interview that i MUST have---on october first! the last time i had a phone interview, my unemployment benefits were frozen until after the interview had been conducted and i was deemed "worthy" of receiving them.

now i'm beginning to freak out: why did i get this now? the list of questions on the back, included pamphlet and added letter all pertain to "work-related training". ie. am i still eligible to receive benefits while attending....

what?! the only thing i can think of is on the official form i have to fill out and send every other week there is a question that asks: "did you begin any kind of school or training?" i must have answered YES (being the honest person i am, i began graduate school...duh.) and now i have to wait for them to determine if i can still meet the requirements while a full-time student?!?!??!

so, by returning to school, i can't get the money i need to go back to school? a logical fallacy. and i have to wait an ENTIRE month's time---during which i don't have income-- for them to make a phone call and ask me questions, after which (and this is the best part) if i *am* still determined eligible, i have to get a letter signed and send it to them!!!!!!

i hardly have enough time to do my frickin' homework and get to and from class, how am i supposed to hyper-actively pursue a means of income as well???

believe me, i have been looking for work. i check work postings daily, send out (on average) 2 resumes a week--usually more---and since losing my job in APRIL i have only been called in for 4 (yes, that's F-O-U-R) interviews! and obviously none have hired me!!! because i was going back to school.

this is so fucked up.