manic pixie dream girl me

without the whole shallow, looking to fulfill some dude's utter happiness whilst ignoring my own.

but seriously, how is it that in my LAST semester i utterly totally and completely have lost interest in getting this degree? in going to class? in trying to challenge myself? i'd rather just go about doing my job, finding another, volunteering, farmer's market-ing, cooking/baking at home, loving my cats, crafting, reading for pleasure---> all for the rest of my life. maybe learn how to can and make preserves and shit like that.

i see what other people my age have accomplished and what i'm doing *PALES* in comparison: so why do i bother? i'm not asking you, dear reader, for the answer. my problem is  i don't have an answer. i have no idea why i'm getting this degree. or thinking about getting one after it. i have no clue what type of "career" i want. i have no goals for what i hope to achieve. i have no desire/drive to be published, go to conferences, network, etc. so why the fuck am i still dragging myself 2-hours-via-transit away to be in a program i find utterly overwhelming and yet, utterly under-performing to my expectations!!!!

i'm so sick of feeling like i want to crawl in a cave and just stay there permanently...which is how i feel when i think about school.

grateful for mom...

...even when she makes me wanted to tear my hair out.

i have been battling a GIANT case of the blues. or apathy. or malaise. not quite sure. so even though i talked to her yesterday, i called up my mom. less because of the whole moms-give-great-encouragement-thing and more of the she just finished grad. school herself a year ago thing.

i know by now i should be writing my paper. i've done the research, i've made the outline and i even *successfully* presented on it! (yea me!) but it's the actual doing it that i'm now struggling with. originally i told myself that i would begin today--> start with something easy. straightforward. like, the bibliography. you know, no real thought required. and yet...

here it is, quarter after six p.m. and my emotional state has been crashed with a giant wrecking ball. i have no drive. no desire. even though i know tomorrow i will have no time, and wednesday is class and thursday i have a doctor's appointment and friday-next tuesday i work...and the busy cycle begins again. i STILL can't make myself sit down and f*cking do the easy part.

so i called mom. and vented. for an hour and a half. about school and work and not having enough money and worrying if i'm doing the right thing by being in school and what am i going to do with this degree anyways and crap! it's 5:30 and i've only eaten a croissant today and why do i feel like i'm stuck in molasses and why don't i have any direction or drive and how come i can't sleep through the night even once on and on and on...

and she listens. to all my worrying. and tells me to eat. even if it's crap or just a bowl of cereal. and she makes me want to cry because she makes it sound so easy, like, why can't i just buck up and take care of myself and my own damned problems? and i resolve to do something...even if it's just look through my research and organize it...but then i get off the phone and am sooooooo wiped. drained. and all i can do is write about what i just went through and manage, yet again, to put off the inevitable.

WHY CAN'T I PULL MY ACT TOGETHER?!?!

why do i even bother?

all my ducks in a row---almost.

spending the morning finishing up for tonight's discussion/facilitation. managed to pull together a basic, but interesting power point. i know i didn't *have* to, but i am a visual and kinetic learner. i like pretty shiny objects to look at. so sue me.

now i just have to put together basic notes about what i'm going to say--which, to me, feels ridiculous. i mean, i was a theatre major in undergrad!!! i did 3 years of improv (during those years) and plenty more prior. if there's one thing i know how to do well, it's entertain/speak. and yet, i am afraid of sounding dumb or rambling to much or getting off the subject.

UGH. when in my life did i suddenly get so concerned (or fiercely competitive- you decide) about sounding put together and/or academic??? if this is the kind of grief i give myself for a simple class discussion, why am i even considering the idea of eventually pursuing my doctorate????????

apparently, i suck...

at finding a research topic. or at least, researching a research topic.

maybe i just don't know how to "properly" use library search engines??? i have tried numerous combinations of key words. i have tried just googling the keywords in various combos. yet, to no avail. and i have now attempted 2 different topics. either the research doesn't exsist, and i am looking at hypothetical doctoral theses *OR* (the more likely option) i am doing the search all wrong.

i have even tried link+, as well as local library systems on top of my school's library AND a wide variety of scholarly journal databases.

WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

stupidest assignment EVER

i am sure i have mentioned in the past just how obnoxious my language homework can be. especially since 90% of the time we get assigned for *written homework* what was supposed to be in class, oral exercises. this makes for lots of "creative" made-up questions/answers. nothing like inventing a series of answers from imaginary classmates.

for this round of homework, however, i think i was given an exercise that exemplifies/embodies just how STUPID this is. not only because um...hello, it's supposed to be an oral exercise---writing it out won't help me learn to speak the damn language--- but also because well, you'll see:

(from the textbook): ask three classmates if they are willing to do the following once they get married. add your own question. after the interview, tell the class who you want to marry and why.

okay- here comes the reasons:
1. my class is only 3 people. so i only have two classmates.
2. an interview implies you are actually asking your classmates and having them respond.
3. i am already married.
4. my classmates (all TWO of them) are both straight women, one's in a relationship.
5. i am making up their answers, so i am misrepresenting them.
6. in theory, i was supposed to physically write out each question and the response, so i'd be writing each of the 8 questions TWICE- the exact same way. (waste of time)

of the 3 other exercises i have completed in the past hour, 2 of them were supposedly "aloud" exercises using the dialog cd...but now have become written. i'm so glad i get to practice writing over and over and over....it's not like i wanted to learn to actually SPEAK the language. nah.

brain full. need second brain.

didn't think it was possible for a brain to "get full"--but i am at the point where, i'm not sure if i can cram much more in! i can barely remember week from week what we discussed in class, and if you wanted to ask me about the readings from over 3 weeks ago--forget it!!!

when the next 2 years are over, it will be a miracle if i could give you the gist of this class i'm currently in! i know master's programs are a step towards becoming more "specialized" in a given field of study...but if you can't remember it, how is that being specialized???