i must be getting old

i am currently at an on-campus event (NOT required) but related to one of my papers this semester. it is a lecture/round table discussion on the "global and local perspectives on the politics of pregnancy."

fascinating, right?

no HUGE surprise 95% of the crowd is female...however i can't get over how "exposed" these girls are. and frilly/female in what i consider a stereotypical way. so many plunging necklines, skintight clothing, short/tight skirts, etc. and all i can think is: "you are worth so much more. you don't need to flaunt your legs/boobs/etc. " it makes me feel like a curmudgeonly old cynical bitch.

:::sigh:::

proposed topic

so, assuming it gets "approved" (a.k.a. a better grade than my first paper proposal), here is a brief summary of what i will be writing a paper on for ONE of my classes this semester....

Rebel, Rebel: Soushoku Danshi (“Herbivore Boys”), Makeinu (“Losing Dogs”), and the Queering of “Traditional” Gender Roles in Japan

easy week

no class on tuesday. and tonight's readings were about gender, korean drama (like winter sonata!) and other forms of popular culture.

i love it when school feels like FUN

so busy i forgot to update

that about sums it up. this year is totally kicking my ass. between reading approx. 200 pages *per class, per week* and working and trying to not stress out too much, i have neglected posting. meh. no big whoop. not as if i have a cult following.

since my last update the dreaded class has gotten better. still fucking annoying and imperfect but at least, better. literature is still going well. we have a mid-term type paper due that we will get info about in class tonight (i think). does anyone else find it odd for a grad-level class to have a midterm-thingy? for the other class, we had to submit a tentative title for our FINAL PAPER last week. mine will have to do with people challenging traditional gender norms in japan...surprise!

anyways, that's about it right now. still haven't figure out how i'm going to fulfill my final 3rd of the language requirement. or when i'm supposed to have time to explore/apply for further schooling options. SIGH.

"dirty little secret"

since yesterday, i have been seriously contemplating e-mailing my professor and telling him i am sick and will be missing class. and this is the class i feel less disappointed in/upset about. even right now, at approx. 1 p.m. i still really really want to, but don't know how i would explain to my spousal unit why i'm still at home. ditching class? really? me???

i haven't wanted to do that since undergrad. and it's not even as if i didn't fully prepare for class or need to skip out due to a test. i read everything. i even enjoyed it. i just don't want to go. don't want to spend over an hour via public transit to get there, sit for 3.5 hours, spend another hour in getting home, all to eat dinner ridiculously late and spend an hour before sleeping with my bugga. (i want more time with him, dammit. not less)

i should be reading stuff for thursday but i can't seem to motivate myself. i'd rather read the book i bought yesterday or spend time on the internet. i really *LIKED* thursday's class until the prof. announced that by not participating verbally, one gets DOWNGRADED. so now classtime gets wasted on everyone trying to make sure they speak, and nothing of value gets accomplished!!!!

i'm so miffed i could spit nails!

and as if i didn't need other external issues pissing me off and making me question why i'm even in school, there was this little article i stumbled across: http://jezebel.com/5637642/women-get-more-phds-than-men-academia-possibly-to-discover-gender-balance the title sounds promising right? more women getting PhD's. until it goes into how that's actually a disadvantage to women because the fields they are getting PhD's in are now seen as "feminized" and "less important" than the traditionally "masculine" fields (math, science, etc.)

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

paper, part 1

so, i'm gonna post this. DON'T STEAL IT! this paper is *MY* property.

Noh Women/ No Women: Neo-Confucianism and Its Radical

Alteration on Perceptions of Gender as Seen Through the

Sociological Lens of Traditional Japanese Theatre

gender performance and the quest for self identity

the majority of my readings this week are on cultural gender identity. it's been kicking my brain's (non-existent) ass in so many ways: from acquainting myself to new perspectives to re-evaluating my own perceptions. one of the areas i find myself struggling with the most is sense of identity and gender performance.

in addition to the assigned texts, i also have gone back to some of my own books (of which i have quite an array) on gender/feminism/identity: "misogyny: the world's oldest prejudice"--which didn't have as much as i was hoping it would; and "polite lies: on being a woman caught between cultures"--which had a LOT more than i remembered...

the author, kyoko mori, writes about her experiences being a japanese woman who lives now permanently in the US mid-west. not-so-oddly much of what she writes resonates with my life experiences, but in particular, i would like to offer up one passage in particular, since it is what i have been wrestling the most with in my own life:

Personal appearance causes anxiety and insecurity because those of us who are not beautiful consider our clothes, makeup or hairstyle to be expressions or symbols of who we are, and yet our choices are burdened by cultural, societal, and sexist expectations. Personal appearance is the four-way intersection where our personal symbolism clashes with the symbolism of the culture in which we must live. For some of us, it's a head on collision, a big highway catastrophe.

those are the kind of days i have been having- second guessing/ judging myself because i find myself surround by cultural expectations of "what i should be" and then find myself embarrassed/ashamed that i'm not meeting those "standards."