are we really still THIS shallow?

rarely do i take the time to muse on things that anger me. i mean, REALLY rile me up. {unless, of course, i am directly affected by something} however, seeing as i am in a liminal space- transitioning from one thing to the next- i came across an article today that really pissed me off.

how is this still considered okay?!?! <---- in this op ed./"real life" piece in jezebel, i was absolutely flored by the number of women who are pressured {either verbally outright or subliminally peer-pressured} to change their appearance to conform to some standard of beauty. while some consider it a type of "dress up", the stories of women who have lost their jobs for not wearing makeup or having the "right" outfit or doing their hair the "right way" {or having it too short!?!?!} is absolutely mind blowing!!!

it is one thing when a uniform is part of a job. or terms of employment are in place in some form of dress code {no visible tattoos, no unnatural hair colorurs, etc., which i personally think is bullshit}, but it is completely different to expect ANYONE to dress/look/act a certain way in order to keep their job, or to grow in their given field. as long as nothing impedes a person from doing a good job, why the fuck should it matter whether or not they wear makeup or color their hair or have "unusual" piercings or wear retro clothing or whatever.

it makes me lose hope that i will ever find something more than an hourly-wage job because i am completely unwilling to conform, to change who i am for someone else.

i must be getting old

i am currently at an on-campus event (NOT required) but related to one of my papers this semester. it is a lecture/round table discussion on the "global and local perspectives on the politics of pregnancy."

fascinating, right?

no HUGE surprise 95% of the crowd is female...however i can't get over how "exposed" these girls are. and frilly/female in what i consider a stereotypical way. so many plunging necklines, skintight clothing, short/tight skirts, etc. and all i can think is: "you are worth so much more. you don't need to flaunt your legs/boobs/etc. " it makes me feel like a curmudgeonly old cynical bitch.

:::sigh:::

it's the final countdown!

(and no, i'm not going to make a yacht disappear)

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, begins the "final" semester of my master's program. i am both feeling terribly thrilled to be back in the classroom, and at the same time, utterly terrified.

perhaps it's just back to school jitters, but i think it's more than that. faced with still NO IDEA what i'm going to do with this degree once i receive it *and* after having finally got to a point last semester where i was feeling comfortable with myself, my peers, and balancing the social and the academic...i find myself back at "square one".

somehow, during the last last 3 weeks or so of last semester, i managed to alienate the classmate i felt the closest to. i am not 100% sure what i did, only that it was bad enough to be given the cold shoulder, no longer traveling back home accompanied by them as well as (and this surprisingly hurt the most) being pretty much banned from their facebook account.  the only thing i can possibly think of is that i said something so offensive...but i can't think of what. and that's what worries me. i know i could/ should say something to this person like: whatever it was i did, i'm so sorry. but the fact that i can't remember/don't know means i can't be sorry without knowing what i'm sorry for. and i'm afraid that by asking, i'll give the impression that i'm too much of an ass to know/ remember what i did. **AND** i'm also terrified that other classmates will have been told something and will also cut me off.

jeez. i went (in life) from being uber extroverted and unconcerned as to what others thought of me to being a total wallflower, desperate for peer approval.

proposed topic

so, assuming it gets "approved" (a.k.a. a better grade than my first paper proposal), here is a brief summary of what i will be writing a paper on for ONE of my classes this semester....

Rebel, Rebel: Soushoku Danshi (“Herbivore Boys”), Makeinu (“Losing Dogs”), and the Queering of “Traditional” Gender Roles in Japan

identity crisis

can you have an identity crisis when you are no longer sure of your identity? a lack-of-identity crisis? if so, i'm thick in the midst of one.

i want to travel back in time to when i was sure of who i am and what i wanted out of life....

when i felt comfortable in my own skin and being myself....

when i felt confident. strong. resilient...angry.


blip. blip. blip. blip. blip. blip....................

gender performance and the quest for self identity

the majority of my readings this week are on cultural gender identity. it's been kicking my brain's (non-existent) ass in so many ways: from acquainting myself to new perspectives to re-evaluating my own perceptions. one of the areas i find myself struggling with the most is sense of identity and gender performance.

in addition to the assigned texts, i also have gone back to some of my own books (of which i have quite an array) on gender/feminism/identity: "misogyny: the world's oldest prejudice"--which didn't have as much as i was hoping it would; and "polite lies: on being a woman caught between cultures"--which had a LOT more than i remembered...

the author, kyoko mori, writes about her experiences being a japanese woman who lives now permanently in the US mid-west. not-so-oddly much of what she writes resonates with my life experiences, but in particular, i would like to offer up one passage in particular, since it is what i have been wrestling the most with in my own life:

Personal appearance causes anxiety and insecurity because those of us who are not beautiful consider our clothes, makeup or hairstyle to be expressions or symbols of who we are, and yet our choices are burdened by cultural, societal, and sexist expectations. Personal appearance is the four-way intersection where our personal symbolism clashes with the symbolism of the culture in which we must live. For some of us, it's a head on collision, a big highway catastrophe.

those are the kind of days i have been having- second guessing/ judging myself because i find myself surround by cultural expectations of "what i should be" and then find myself embarrassed/ashamed that i'm not meeting those "standards."

of a "certain age"

well huh. i guess this can be recorded here if for nothing else than posterity's sake. but, since it has happened within the context of my being a graduate student and life *surrounding* being a graduate student---> it works as part of this blog.

this past week, i have been put into two drastically different categories of age. neither one, terribly insulting but both troublesome. i have been thought to be a teenager. i have been thought to be a "mother" (and no, not a teenage-mom)

situation a: i volunteer part time. this past week, we had a new volunteer. we did the slightly awkward "tell me about yourself and why you decided to volunteer here" thing. i mention in passing i'm married (or made reference to my husband). she gets this blank, wide-eyed look- but i'm used to this. she then asks how long we've been married. 'oh, about 4 and a half years now.' the look turns to shock and she sputters out: "can i ask how old you are?" 28. relief passes over her and in a very kind, and flattering tone she quips: 'you look like you're still in high school!"

high school

situations b& c: (a 2 part-er)

part b:quick, necessary background info- spousal unit and i have missed like 2 months of church due to busy-ness/oversleeping and laziness. we're finally back this week. older lady says to spouse: "oh i see you're back finally. did you have your baby?" gah-what now?!?! there were a few times i had older women ask me if i was pregnant (which i don't get, beyond the fact i own an abundance of 'peasant' style tops) but WTF?!?!

part c: i'm sitting on the bus, on my way to class and my ridiculously heavy backpack is in the seat next to me. I get up to leave the bus, and when putting my backpack on, the woman seated across from me asks: "Is that your daughter's backpack?" HUH?! first of all, why would you even assume it belongs to a daughter and not me, who's getting off at the stop in front of a college??!! second, i look old enough to have a kid in school????

i just don't get it...

i have amazing, intelligent, thoughtful friends...

i know i have this listed under blogs i follow, but i would like to draw special attention to this post by my amazing friend E on self-image and body-identity issues.

as always, her verbosity astounds me, especially since this is actually an issue that even i struggle with. i have never found my body attractive/appealing to myself. yes, i have outside validation of my looks, but the internal outlook has never been positive.

it's not that i find myselfunattractive i just don't find myself particularly ANYTHING "positive": pretty/cute/beautiful/sexy/what-have you.

for me, it has always been a struggle with ME- inwardly- i try so hard not to compare myself to cultural standards of beauty. i don't particularly care what's "in": current fashion, hairstyles, makeup, shaving, etc. and yet, i don't find anything appealing about myself and wonder if it's a greater part of cultural ideal after all.

bleck.