...even when she makes me wanted to tear my hair out.
i have been battling a GIANT case of the blues. or apathy. or malaise. not quite sure. so even though i talked to her yesterday, i called up my mom. less because of the whole moms-give-great-encouragement-thing and more of the she just finished grad. school herself a year ago thing.
i know by now i should be writing my paper. i've done the research, i've made the outline and i even *successfully* presented on it! (yea me!) but it's the actual doing it that i'm now struggling with. originally i told myself that i would begin today--> start with something easy. straightforward. like, the bibliography. you know, no real thought required. and yet...
here it is, quarter after six p.m. and my emotional state has been crashed with a giant wrecking ball. i have no drive. no desire. even though i know tomorrow i will have no time, and wednesday is class and thursday i have a doctor's appointment and friday-next tuesday i work...and the busy cycle begins again. i STILL can't make myself sit down and f*cking do the easy part.
so i called mom. and vented. for an hour and a half. about school and work and not having enough money and worrying if i'm doing the right thing by being in school and what am i going to do with this degree anyways and crap! it's 5:30 and i've only eaten a croissant today and why do i feel like i'm stuck in molasses and why don't i have any direction or drive and how come i can't sleep through the night even once on and on and on...
and she listens. to all my worrying. and tells me to eat. even if it's crap or just a bowl of cereal. and she makes me want to cry because she makes it sound so easy, like, why can't i just buck up and take care of myself and my own damned problems? and i resolve to do something...even if it's just look through my research and organize it...but then i get off the phone and am sooooooo wiped. drained. and all i can do is write about what i just went through and manage, yet again, to put off the inevitable.
WHY CAN'T I PULL MY ACT TOGETHER?!?!
why do i even bother?
Showing posts with label brain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brain. Show all posts
10 May 2010
12 March 2010
insert witty title here
i haven't been posting. i'm quite aware. not that there's a huge demand for my ravings of frustration co-mingled with the occasional joyous update. never-the-less...
i am finding that i am too angry (?) to post. events have occurred that, while not devastating in the long run, have crushed my spirit.
1. i lost (still convinced it may have been stolen somehow) my student ID. not a big deal because the ID itself is replaceable. what *isn't* replaceable was the semester-long bus pass! not only is that $88 down the tube for the cost of the pass, but now everytime i head to campus i hand over $2, each way. that's potentially $8 a week. some weeks i get a lift back home. but, in upcoming weeks, when i will be spending more time at the library researching, or assisting a prior professor, i will be handing over even more.
i feel incompetent and stupid about this whole ordeal because the original ID disappeared in a time span of approximately 5 minutes. and i don't know to this day how or why. i have a new ID card now, so i can access campus locations, IT and borrow books but that bus pass...!!! :::sigh:::
2. family issues. i am getting quite tired of the song-and-dance number to the tune of "we're really tight on money right now so we can't [fill in the blank]" from my parents. if it were an honest plea, it wouldn't bother me so much. but it has hardly escaped my notice that EVERY TIME i have scraped up enough money to go home, they have a brand-new, high-ticket item. (recent acquisitions include: giant flat-screen HiDef TV, entertainment unit, ps3, new car, re-doing the living room, oh and vacations/retreats abound!)
this april my dad is turning 60. my mom decided she was going to throw him a big surprise party and invite all the important people from his past AND fly me home for the party. the last time we talked she had decided against the party in favor of something smaller. fair enough. but when i asked about coming home to be there with him to celebrate, she informed me they "don't have the money" right now. :::sigh::: fine. whatever.
so i asked if they were still planning to come visit as an entire family this summer- which they have be telling me they were going to do for over a year now (also, my dad has YET to come and visit me in the place of my residing since i moved out of the midwest in 2006!!!) surprise surprise they aren't going to be able to afford that either. times are tight.
so, i email my kid sister and ask her if she has plans for spring break and would she like to come visit me. her spring break is the first week of april. she tells me that she'd much rather do that but mom,dad AND she are going to Florida!!!!!
they can't come visit me, or have me flown home for my dad's 60th BUT THEY CAN GO TO FLORIDA??
3. my love/hate relationship with grad school is severely in the "hate" spectrum this semester. it's a combination of many things: from feeling like the workload is too easy (yes, i said too easy. i know most people would be grateful for a light load, but i'm paying a LOT with little return), to getting very little out of my main class ( the lectures become circular reasoning with very little exploration of the social context or impact), to just plain not understanding HOW i'm supposed to know already what my thesis for a final paper is going to be, when i frankly feel like i know nothing about eastern religion, or at least, not enough to take a stance on anything. ARGH!!!!!
and that, coupled with the usual self-doubt, loathing and stress, have kept me from posting until now.
i am finding that i am too angry (?) to post. events have occurred that, while not devastating in the long run, have crushed my spirit.
1. i lost (still convinced it may have been stolen somehow) my student ID. not a big deal because the ID itself is replaceable. what *isn't* replaceable was the semester-long bus pass! not only is that $88 down the tube for the cost of the pass, but now everytime i head to campus i hand over $2, each way. that's potentially $8 a week. some weeks i get a lift back home. but, in upcoming weeks, when i will be spending more time at the library researching, or assisting a prior professor, i will be handing over even more.
i feel incompetent and stupid about this whole ordeal because the original ID disappeared in a time span of approximately 5 minutes. and i don't know to this day how or why. i have a new ID card now, so i can access campus locations, IT and borrow books but that bus pass...!!! :::sigh:::
2. family issues. i am getting quite tired of the song-and-dance number to the tune of "we're really tight on money right now so we can't [fill in the blank]" from my parents. if it were an honest plea, it wouldn't bother me so much. but it has hardly escaped my notice that EVERY TIME i have scraped up enough money to go home, they have a brand-new, high-ticket item. (recent acquisitions include: giant flat-screen HiDef TV, entertainment unit, ps3, new car, re-doing the living room, oh and vacations/retreats abound!)
this april my dad is turning 60. my mom decided she was going to throw him a big surprise party and invite all the important people from his past AND fly me home for the party. the last time we talked she had decided against the party in favor of something smaller. fair enough. but when i asked about coming home to be there with him to celebrate, she informed me they "don't have the money" right now. :::sigh::: fine. whatever.
so i asked if they were still planning to come visit as an entire family this summer- which they have be telling me they were going to do for over a year now (also, my dad has YET to come and visit me in the place of my residing since i moved out of the midwest in 2006!!!) surprise surprise they aren't going to be able to afford that either. times are tight.
so, i email my kid sister and ask her if she has plans for spring break and would she like to come visit me. her spring break is the first week of april. she tells me that she'd much rather do that but mom,dad AND she are going to Florida!!!!!
they can't come visit me, or have me flown home for my dad's 60th BUT THEY CAN GO TO FLORIDA??
3. my love/hate relationship with grad school is severely in the "hate" spectrum this semester. it's a combination of many things: from feeling like the workload is too easy (yes, i said too easy. i know most people would be grateful for a light load, but i'm paying a LOT with little return), to getting very little out of my main class ( the lectures become circular reasoning with very little exploration of the social context or impact), to just plain not understanding HOW i'm supposed to know already what my thesis for a final paper is going to be, when i frankly feel like i know nothing about eastern religion, or at least, not enough to take a stance on anything. ARGH!!!!!
and that, coupled with the usual self-doubt, loathing and stress, have kept me from posting until now.
23 January 2010
jump starting my brain
so, classes FINALLY start up this coming week. i know i should be really psyched, but all i can think about is: "how the frack am i going to fit it all in?" by it all, of course i mean the following: class, work, studying/homework, commuting, art museum volunteering, possibility of a work-study opportunity, spending time with my souse, eating, cleaning, laundry, etc.
the prospects would be way less daunting if it weren't for the fact that i don't own a car. all my travel is done via public transit. and while i'm grateful that opportunity exists for me, it makes getting to/from places a royal pain in the ass.
last semester was made a tad easier by the bulk of my time being unemployed. and while my job is insanely easy (and i'm actually *encouraged* by the owner to study at work!) i always seem to work myself up into a panic when details are hazy and everything is based on theories in my head. :::sigh::: god i'm such a drama queen.
anyways, i should really try this weekend to "jumpstart" my brain: maybe review language vocabulary, and start reading the first book i'm supposed to have completed by february 3rd! good thing they email you the syllabus ahead of time...and good thing it's a rather interesting sounding book: the mystic's experience.....
the prospects would be way less daunting if it weren't for the fact that i don't own a car. all my travel is done via public transit. and while i'm grateful that opportunity exists for me, it makes getting to/from places a royal pain in the ass.
last semester was made a tad easier by the bulk of my time being unemployed. and while my job is insanely easy (and i'm actually *encouraged* by the owner to study at work!) i always seem to work myself up into a panic when details are hazy and everything is based on theories in my head. :::sigh::: god i'm such a drama queen.
anyways, i should really try this weekend to "jumpstart" my brain: maybe review language vocabulary, and start reading the first book i'm supposed to have completed by february 3rd! good thing they email you the syllabus ahead of time...and good thing it's a rather interesting sounding book: the mystic's experience.....
10 October 2009
brain full. need second brain.
didn't think it was possible for a brain to "get full"--but i am at the point where, i'm not sure if i can cram much more in! i can barely remember week from week what we discussed in class, and if you wanted to ask me about the readings from over 3 weeks ago--forget it!!!
when the next 2 years are over, it will be a miracle if i could give you the gist of this class i'm currently in! i know master's programs are a step towards becoming more "specialized" in a given field of study...but if you can't remember it, how is that being specialized???
when the next 2 years are over, it will be a miracle if i could give you the gist of this class i'm currently in! i know master's programs are a step towards becoming more "specialized" in a given field of study...but if you can't remember it, how is that being specialized???
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)