jump starting my brain

so, classes FINALLY start up this coming week. i know i should be really psyched, but all i can think about is: "how the frack am i going to fit it all in?" by it all, of course i mean the following: class, work, studying/homework, commuting, art museum volunteering, possibility of a work-study opportunity, spending time with my souse, eating, cleaning, laundry, etc.

the prospects would be way less daunting if it weren't for the fact that i don't own a car. all my travel is done via public transit. and while i'm grateful that opportunity exists for me, it makes getting to/from places a royal pain in the ass.

last semester was made a tad easier by the bulk of my time being unemployed. and while my job is insanely easy (and i'm actually *encouraged* by the owner to study at work!) i always seem to work myself up into a panic when details are hazy and everything is based on theories in my head. :::sigh::: god i'm such a drama queen.

anyways, i should really try this weekend to "jumpstart" my brain: maybe review language vocabulary, and start reading the first book i'm supposed to have completed by february 3rd! good thing they email you the syllabus ahead of time...and good thing it's a rather interesting sounding book: the mystic's experience.....

when do classes start???

seriously.

i can not find any definitive information on when my start date for spring semester is! the school's academic calendar has listed the dates for undergraduates and for law students but nit for "regular" grad students. what's the deal with that?!?!

so i don't know if i begin classes this coming week or the following one. yikes. talk about feeling dreadful anticipation...

in actuality, very little communication has come from our program regarding the coming semester. nothing about purchasing bus passes (and last semester's expire the 22nd!). nothing about first day of classes. or what classroom we'll be in. this *IS* normal, right???

grades are in!

and i did pretty frickin' awesome! i am quite proud to announce that i did NOT fail my language class, in fact, i managed to get a B+!!! WOOT! i'm still not quite sure how that happened but, i will gladly take it!

also, it turns out that my winter break is way longer than expected- classes don't begin until like the 25th or something crazy like that.i am lovin' having off, even though it means i'm working like crazy--for example from january 2nd until NEXT WEEK saturday (i think that's like the 16th??) i have worked/will be working at one of my 2 two jobs every day! phew.

twentyten

here's to a prosperous new year to all!


i have never been one for making resolutions. but this year/this decade feels auspiciously perfect for new beginnings. so, while i would hesitate to call the below "resolutions", i will think of them as steps/guidelines for living abundantly in this new year.

1. nurture my creative spirit (even if it's only on the small scale): i managed  to score a copy of "the artists way" for $1 at the creative reuse depot. while i can't guarantee that i will follow it religiously, i think using it as a tool may be helpful. the part about artist dates in particular. i have no "goal" of finishing it in the 12-week manner it proponents but i will be working my way through it.

2. make better choices in taking care of myself: this one will require lots of baby steps and covers a range of issues. from making sure that i eat when i feel hungry (and not just ignore it) to staying properly hydrated. also things like following through on regular or semi-regular acupuncture, learning to like/accept myself/ compliment myself/ get my mojo back, consuming less (in the consumerism sense) and consuming less of things that are bad for me.

3. re-find my faith. in myself. in g_d. in humanity. in the greater good. in optimism. this on is also a tall order. it helps that, when the semester begins, my main class will be on asian philosophy and religion. what a great place to start! as for the others, with all the other work i'll be doing, i can only hope they will fall into place---but i'm not expecting miracles. it's hard to have any amount of faith in humanity as a whole--the minute something amazing and awe inspiring happens, giving me hope that people *don't* suck, i get reminded of the fact that people close to me believe any of the following: that sarah palin would make a great vicepresidential candidate; that our current president is a secret muslim terrorist because he won't 'support' the national day of prayer; that there is NO SUCH THING as global warming, etc. etc. etc.

here is to new beginnings!

i double-heart <3<3 winter break!!

how wonderful to take the time to read books that a) i want to b) are not required and c) are mainly fiction! woot! while the downside is i'm working like a crazy mo-fo: 2 jobs both part-time to bring in money to pay the bills; the up-side is, generally feeling relaxed and in control of my life. in theory, i could be working on an optional take-home language project for extra points but, seeing how i will be joining a new language class (and hence, new teacher!) come january AND it's break, i think i won't. plus really, i don't have the time/patience right now to sit down and do an intense, 8-page bonus assignment so, i will accept the grade i get, i guess.

holy gripes, batman!

i realize i must come off as a whiny bitch. or at least, an eternal pessimist. but this is my "free space" away from the times and places i have to be cheerful and upbeat. away from the demands put upon me. this is where i go to vent steam because virtually everywhere else, everyone is sick of hearing it.

it's not that bad./ it could be so much worse. or
you should focus on what you have going for you. or
be grateful you still have [xyz]. count your blessings. or
geez, stop complaining. so many people out there have it way worse than you- you could have [situation xyz].

awesome. just what i needed to hear- a formulaic catch phrase. great. nothing cheers me up like those pearls of wisdom...

look, i get it. you are all correct. "at least i'm not starving in a back alley in a 3rd world country with no access to clean water or fresh food or a  toilet while battling some horrid life-threatening disease," right? i've never asked for a glamorous life. i just would like, for once, to catch a small break. since moving out here, i haven't had a chance to "take it easy" or to "do something for enjoyment" and while that sucks ass- in my opinion- but what really gets to me is the fact that i can't even take care of the things that really need taking care of for my own sense of health and well-being.

i'm not talking yoga here--though i would love to have the time and money to study iyengar again. no, i'm talking about problems/issues i have had to go years without fixing: both external and internal. i should be in therapy (and was for a time---can't afford it any more) and should be on drugs (the prescription, chemical imbalance-fixing kind--but can't afford those either); i should be going to acupuncture regularly (community acupuncture is much more affordable than visits to the doctor, and i believe, better for you) for my f*ed up back, tmj, migraines, cramps, and other personal issues; i should probably see a chiropractor; i have an emergency dental surgery coming up because i can't afford regular check-ups/cleanings; amd the list goes on and on and on.

i am sick of seeing/hearing of how much better (success/luck/careers/ income/ creativity/ life) everyone else i know seems to be doing. i know, logically, that just because something seems externally great doesn't mean it really is. but all my life, i was always told by others--those older than me, who i respected and admired--  how incredibly smart/ intelligent i was. how incredibly talented i was.

well, either they were lying straight to my face (which is a possibility) or life/g_d is playing a cruel trick on me (also possible) or somehow my talent/intelligence just doesn't matter in the greater scheme of life----because here i am, age 28 and a half. working 2, low-paying, part-time jobs in the service industry. with absolutely nothing to show for it: no house. no car. no "successful" (or even interesting) career. no diploma from an ivy-league school. no awards. no accomplishments. nada. zip. zilch. zero.

so what the hell is the point? when do i get my dues? i have continually worked my ass off and haven't done a single thing just for myself in at least 5 years. because i can't f*in' afford to. can't take the time off/need to make money JUST TO GET BY.

:::sigh:::

i just want to understand why. where did i go wrong???

one year ago

it is absolutely incredible to me what a difference a year can make.at this time last year, i was working a job i hated loathed. however, i was making for the first time in my "american life" a living wage ( i did as well during my time in japan, but the circumstances there were way favorable: subsidized housing among many). bills were paid in full--including the dreaded credit card--my savings account was growing, my ability to take trips was only limited by the time i could take off from work. i bought my family NICE christmas presents....

what a study in contrasts.

one year ago: a single paycheck covered rent + utilities. today: it takes 4 paychecks to equal JUST rent
one year ago: i could go home for christmas for 10 days. today: i will be working at least 2, possibly 3 jobs over break just to stay "afloat"
one year ago: i could afford "luxuries" like donation-based yoga, therapy & acupuncture today: even i could find the time to get to such things, i have to prioritize things like my upcoming root canal/dental surgery sans insurance.
one year ago: i could get or make meaningful presents for gifts today: time-factor aside, i'm only making $90/week before taxes
one year ago: my tendency to over-dramatize the fragile state of my income was gently mocked today: i seriously worry what would happen in case of any emergency... since losing my job in april (before i got the very part-time one i have now) i have incurred over $3000 in medical bills.  and they were technically non-emergencies.

i haven't had a vacation (which didn't involve either family of hosting a friend) in over 5 years. i hate to think that to pay for a single credit of my graduate education i would have to put in over 100 hours at my very-part-time job. but with the amount of schoolwork required, i feel it's near impossible to juggle 2 jobs during the academic year.

i hate feeling so helpless while at the same time knowing full well there are so many other people in this world facing greater struggles, greater suffering.

one year ago, i may have been miserable and stressed out to the max, but i was financially secure. today, my stresses are of a different nature and i don't hate my job. what to do? what to do?