spiritual grounding?

i'm not sure if "irony" is the correct word to use, however, i am noting here and now i find it "ironic" that --while my main lecture class is based in philsophy/religion of asia, i personally have not attended a church service since early november. having grown up in a very spiritually active family, i find the lack of a spiritual anchor unsettling. that being said, i simply can not find a church home/tradition where i feel i am growing/being nurtured spiritually.

my family background is middle-ground-to-conservative protestant. i left the denomination i grew up in for a more liberal/open minded one (i.e. ordains women, acknowledges other religious truths, welcomes persons of ALL backgrounds- not just the ones they are comfortable with). i feel great affinity to judaism. i enjoy buddhism. i am madly in love with the moon and wish fervently for open acknowledgment of the goddess.

so i haven't been to church.

today--for those of you familiar with the Christian liturgical year-- is ash wednesday, the beginning of the lenten season. lent has always been special for me. it's quite honestly my favorite part of the church year ( some blame my upbringing and their penchant for embracing guilt/sorrow/misery/mourning). i ached to find an ash wednesday service i could attend between my volunteering and class. apparently lent's not a huge deal around these parts unless you're catholic.

finally i found an episcopal cathedral open to the public for prayer/contemplation, etc. i walked their labyrinth. i lit a candle to st. mary magdalene and prayed for the women in my life. i sat in the pew, gazed at the magnificence and read the ash wednesday liturgy to myself.

i walked away a little bit more grounded.

open-ended letter to my professor....

dr. x,

understand that i mean no disrespect. you are terribly unmotivating, uninteresting and, in my personal opinion, not qualified to teach our class. perhaps my expectations are high. i mean, it;s not your fault that our previous professor was an incredibly bright, challenging, caring, harvard-educated man who drove us to succeed and inspired us to excel. it's not your fault that i assumed you would be on par with him. it's not your fault that i feel the field in which you specialize is a load of crock.

perhaps, if maybe this week's readings (which you want to have us prepared for wednesday's class) had been posted early enough that i could print them out and therefore underline/highlight them instead of it now being early sunday afternoon and--having no access to a printer-- i will have to rely on reading them on the internet and my paltry attempt at note-taking.

will this continue to be a regular thing? i hope not, because i rely on the IT room on campus to print things. 1) it's much cheaper than the library/ kinko's/ random copy centers per page. 2) it's convienient to print them out on wednesday/thursday before i go to my actual class so i can read them during--oh say my two hour round-trip commute. i can't **DO** that on my laptop because the city isn't wired with free wireless. and i don't have the money to go to cafes everyday to access the internet. and my apartment is out of the question because lord knows there are too many distractions!!!!!

so for the love of pete (whomever he may be) FUCKING POST THE READINGS ON TIME!!!!

then, you may just gain an ounce of respect from me.

sincerely,
embittered grad student

second semester--HO!!!!

here i am, sitting on campus in the "lounge" area for my program a good hour-and-a-half early. why? i ask myself. is it because you have nothing else better to do? well, no, not exactly.

it's because i'm nervous.

there. i said it.

big fatty fat nervous. i don't know what to expect from this teacher or class. i *JUST* learned the professor's area of specialty is death and dying rituals...uh....greeeeeeeeeeeat.

maybe i should go to the crap-tastic cafe and pick up something to eat that's more substantial than the 2 biscuits (chreezy vegan biscuits), 2 sembei, blood orange and braeburn apple (both fruits from the farmer's market) or some horrendous coffee-like beverage (not that i haven't already consumed mass quantities of caffeine via 'terrorist' coffee, earl grey and have a thermos of hojicha for later in class....)

jump starting my brain

so, classes FINALLY start up this coming week. i know i should be really psyched, but all i can think about is: "how the frack am i going to fit it all in?" by it all, of course i mean the following: class, work, studying/homework, commuting, art museum volunteering, possibility of a work-study opportunity, spending time with my souse, eating, cleaning, laundry, etc.

the prospects would be way less daunting if it weren't for the fact that i don't own a car. all my travel is done via public transit. and while i'm grateful that opportunity exists for me, it makes getting to/from places a royal pain in the ass.

last semester was made a tad easier by the bulk of my time being unemployed. and while my job is insanely easy (and i'm actually *encouraged* by the owner to study at work!) i always seem to work myself up into a panic when details are hazy and everything is based on theories in my head. :::sigh::: god i'm such a drama queen.

anyways, i should really try this weekend to "jumpstart" my brain: maybe review language vocabulary, and start reading the first book i'm supposed to have completed by february 3rd! good thing they email you the syllabus ahead of time...and good thing it's a rather interesting sounding book: the mystic's experience.....

when do classes start???

seriously.

i can not find any definitive information on when my start date for spring semester is! the school's academic calendar has listed the dates for undergraduates and for law students but nit for "regular" grad students. what's the deal with that?!?!

so i don't know if i begin classes this coming week or the following one. yikes. talk about feeling dreadful anticipation...

in actuality, very little communication has come from our program regarding the coming semester. nothing about purchasing bus passes (and last semester's expire the 22nd!). nothing about first day of classes. or what classroom we'll be in. this *IS* normal, right???

grades are in!

and i did pretty frickin' awesome! i am quite proud to announce that i did NOT fail my language class, in fact, i managed to get a B+!!! WOOT! i'm still not quite sure how that happened but, i will gladly take it!

also, it turns out that my winter break is way longer than expected- classes don't begin until like the 25th or something crazy like that.i am lovin' having off, even though it means i'm working like crazy--for example from january 2nd until NEXT WEEK saturday (i think that's like the 16th??) i have worked/will be working at one of my 2 two jobs every day! phew.

twentyten

here's to a prosperous new year to all!


i have never been one for making resolutions. but this year/this decade feels auspiciously perfect for new beginnings. so, while i would hesitate to call the below "resolutions", i will think of them as steps/guidelines for living abundantly in this new year.

1. nurture my creative spirit (even if it's only on the small scale): i managed  to score a copy of "the artists way" for $1 at the creative reuse depot. while i can't guarantee that i will follow it religiously, i think using it as a tool may be helpful. the part about artist dates in particular. i have no "goal" of finishing it in the 12-week manner it proponents but i will be working my way through it.

2. make better choices in taking care of myself: this one will require lots of baby steps and covers a range of issues. from making sure that i eat when i feel hungry (and not just ignore it) to staying properly hydrated. also things like following through on regular or semi-regular acupuncture, learning to like/accept myself/ compliment myself/ get my mojo back, consuming less (in the consumerism sense) and consuming less of things that are bad for me.

3. re-find my faith. in myself. in g_d. in humanity. in the greater good. in optimism. this on is also a tall order. it helps that, when the semester begins, my main class will be on asian philosophy and religion. what a great place to start! as for the others, with all the other work i'll be doing, i can only hope they will fall into place---but i'm not expecting miracles. it's hard to have any amount of faith in humanity as a whole--the minute something amazing and awe inspiring happens, giving me hope that people *don't* suck, i get reminded of the fact that people close to me believe any of the following: that sarah palin would make a great vicepresidential candidate; that our current president is a secret muslim terrorist because he won't 'support' the national day of prayer; that there is NO SUCH THING as global warming, etc. etc. etc.

here is to new beginnings!