at finding a research topic. or at least, researching a research topic.
maybe i just don't know how to "properly" use library search engines??? i have tried numerous combinations of key words. i have tried just googling the keywords in various combos. yet, to no avail. and i have now attempted 2 different topics. either the research doesn't exsist, and i am looking at hypothetical doctoral theses *OR* (the more likely option) i am doing the search all wrong.
i have even tried link+, as well as local library systems on top of my school's library AND a wide variety of scholarly journal databases.
WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
26 March 2010
17 March 2010
"take a good, last look, 'cuz you'll never see THESE again...."
"SPRING BREAK!"
ten points to the first to identify the reference.
i wish i could say i am having a completely restful, relaxing spring break, but alas, it just doesn't hold the same weight as it did in undergrad. sure, it's lovely to not make the commute out to campus twice this week, but that's all it means to me: less commute time. and while i'm sticking to my guns and having a homework-easy week, i am painfully aware that a number of my classmates have already begun researching and reserving books for their final paper.
maybe i'm just not cut out for the whole "grad student" thing. (???)
in other relatively sad news, once again, my favorite day has rolled around--a chance to celebrate my *ACTUAL* irish-ness (thank you very much!) and once again, i made themistake choice to give up alcohol for lent. why do i do this to myself? i'm not catholic. i'm barely protestant. so- kind readers- drink several pints for me.
slainte!
ten points to the first to identify the reference.
i wish i could say i am having a completely restful, relaxing spring break, but alas, it just doesn't hold the same weight as it did in undergrad. sure, it's lovely to not make the commute out to campus twice this week, but that's all it means to me: less commute time. and while i'm sticking to my guns and having a homework-easy week, i am painfully aware that a number of my classmates have already begun researching and reserving books for their final paper.
maybe i'm just not cut out for the whole "grad student" thing. (???)
in other relatively sad news, once again, my favorite day has rolled around--a chance to celebrate my *ACTUAL* irish-ness (thank you very much!) and once again, i made the
slainte!
12 March 2010
insert witty title here
i haven't been posting. i'm quite aware. not that there's a huge demand for my ravings of frustration co-mingled with the occasional joyous update. never-the-less...
i am finding that i am too angry (?) to post. events have occurred that, while not devastating in the long run, have crushed my spirit.
1. i lost (still convinced it may have been stolen somehow) my student ID. not a big deal because the ID itself is replaceable. what *isn't* replaceable was the semester-long bus pass! not only is that $88 down the tube for the cost of the pass, but now everytime i head to campus i hand over $2, each way. that's potentially $8 a week. some weeks i get a lift back home. but, in upcoming weeks, when i will be spending more time at the library researching, or assisting a prior professor, i will be handing over even more.
i feel incompetent and stupid about this whole ordeal because the original ID disappeared in a time span of approximately 5 minutes. and i don't know to this day how or why. i have a new ID card now, so i can access campus locations, IT and borrow books but that bus pass...!!! :::sigh:::
2. family issues. i am getting quite tired of the song-and-dance number to the tune of "we're really tight on money right now so we can't [fill in the blank]" from my parents. if it were an honest plea, it wouldn't bother me so much. but it has hardly escaped my notice that EVERY TIME i have scraped up enough money to go home, they have a brand-new, high-ticket item. (recent acquisitions include: giant flat-screen HiDef TV, entertainment unit, ps3, new car, re-doing the living room, oh and vacations/retreats abound!)
this april my dad is turning 60. my mom decided she was going to throw him a big surprise party and invite all the important people from his past AND fly me home for the party. the last time we talked she had decided against the party in favor of something smaller. fair enough. but when i asked about coming home to be there with him to celebrate, she informed me they "don't have the money" right now. :::sigh::: fine. whatever.
so i asked if they were still planning to come visit as an entire family this summer- which they have be telling me they were going to do for over a year now (also, my dad has YET to come and visit me in the place of my residing since i moved out of the midwest in 2006!!!) surprise surprise they aren't going to be able to afford that either. times are tight.
so, i email my kid sister and ask her if she has plans for spring break and would she like to come visit me. her spring break is the first week of april. she tells me that she'd much rather do that but mom,dad AND she are going to Florida!!!!!
they can't come visit me, or have me flown home for my dad's 60th BUT THEY CAN GO TO FLORIDA??
3. my love/hate relationship with grad school is severely in the "hate" spectrum this semester. it's a combination of many things: from feeling like the workload is too easy (yes, i said too easy. i know most people would be grateful for a light load, but i'm paying a LOT with little return), to getting very little out of my main class ( the lectures become circular reasoning with very little exploration of the social context or impact), to just plain not understanding HOW i'm supposed to know already what my thesis for a final paper is going to be, when i frankly feel like i know nothing about eastern religion, or at least, not enough to take a stance on anything. ARGH!!!!!
and that, coupled with the usual self-doubt, loathing and stress, have kept me from posting until now.
i am finding that i am too angry (?) to post. events have occurred that, while not devastating in the long run, have crushed my spirit.
1. i lost (still convinced it may have been stolen somehow) my student ID. not a big deal because the ID itself is replaceable. what *isn't* replaceable was the semester-long bus pass! not only is that $88 down the tube for the cost of the pass, but now everytime i head to campus i hand over $2, each way. that's potentially $8 a week. some weeks i get a lift back home. but, in upcoming weeks, when i will be spending more time at the library researching, or assisting a prior professor, i will be handing over even more.
i feel incompetent and stupid about this whole ordeal because the original ID disappeared in a time span of approximately 5 minutes. and i don't know to this day how or why. i have a new ID card now, so i can access campus locations, IT and borrow books but that bus pass...!!! :::sigh:::
2. family issues. i am getting quite tired of the song-and-dance number to the tune of "we're really tight on money right now so we can't [fill in the blank]" from my parents. if it were an honest plea, it wouldn't bother me so much. but it has hardly escaped my notice that EVERY TIME i have scraped up enough money to go home, they have a brand-new, high-ticket item. (recent acquisitions include: giant flat-screen HiDef TV, entertainment unit, ps3, new car, re-doing the living room, oh and vacations/retreats abound!)
this april my dad is turning 60. my mom decided she was going to throw him a big surprise party and invite all the important people from his past AND fly me home for the party. the last time we talked she had decided against the party in favor of something smaller. fair enough. but when i asked about coming home to be there with him to celebrate, she informed me they "don't have the money" right now. :::sigh::: fine. whatever.
so i asked if they were still planning to come visit as an entire family this summer- which they have be telling me they were going to do for over a year now (also, my dad has YET to come and visit me in the place of my residing since i moved out of the midwest in 2006!!!) surprise surprise they aren't going to be able to afford that either. times are tight.
so, i email my kid sister and ask her if she has plans for spring break and would she like to come visit me. her spring break is the first week of april. she tells me that she'd much rather do that but mom,dad AND she are going to Florida!!!!!
they can't come visit me, or have me flown home for my dad's 60th BUT THEY CAN GO TO FLORIDA??
3. my love/hate relationship with grad school is severely in the "hate" spectrum this semester. it's a combination of many things: from feeling like the workload is too easy (yes, i said too easy. i know most people would be grateful for a light load, but i'm paying a LOT with little return), to getting very little out of my main class ( the lectures become circular reasoning with very little exploration of the social context or impact), to just plain not understanding HOW i'm supposed to know already what my thesis for a final paper is going to be, when i frankly feel like i know nothing about eastern religion, or at least, not enough to take a stance on anything. ARGH!!!!!
and that, coupled with the usual self-doubt, loathing and stress, have kept me from posting until now.
24 February 2010
sweet zombie buddha! (and other class issues)
okay, i kid you not, the first hour and 45 minutes of class were spent talking about AN ANALOGY of buddhist ideas as seen in a zombie movie. probably not the best parallel but that's not the point. the point is, why the %^*($&)*# did we spend that much time on a fucking analogy?!?!
and why do we keep coming back to the same damn subject: thing=nothing. who cares that our minds don't quite get it? it's only because we are using very loaded words to discuss complicated, metaphysical and spiritual concepts. we may struggle with using the terms interchangably but that's due to our culture. our upbringing.
i really wish we would just use the "original" pali terms (or even sanskrt) so we wouldn't waste HOURS on word bullshit!!!!!!
and why do we keep coming back to the same damn subject: thing=nothing. who cares that our minds don't quite get it? it's only because we are using very loaded words to discuss complicated, metaphysical and spiritual concepts. we may struggle with using the terms interchangably but that's due to our culture. our upbringing.
i really wish we would just use the "original" pali terms (or even sanskrt) so we wouldn't waste HOURS on word bullshit!!!!!!
10 February 2010
spiritual grounding?
i'm not sure if "irony" is the correct word to use, however, i am noting here and now i find it "ironic" that --while my main lecture class is based in philsophy/religion of asia, i personally have not attended a church service since early november. having grown up in a very spiritually active family, i find the lack of a spiritual anchor unsettling. that being said, i simply can not find a church home/tradition where i feel i am growing/being nurtured spiritually.
my family background is middle-ground-to-conservative protestant. i left the denomination i grew up in for a more liberal/open minded one (i.e. ordains women, acknowledges other religious truths, welcomes persons of ALL backgrounds- not just the ones they are comfortable with). i feel great affinity to judaism. i enjoy buddhism. i am madly in love with the moon and wish fervently for open acknowledgment of the goddess.
so i haven't been to church.
today--for those of you familiar with the Christian liturgical year-- is ash wednesday, the beginning of the lenten season. lent has always been special for me. it's quite honestly my favorite part of the church year ( some blame my upbringing and their penchant for embracing guilt/sorrow/misery/mourning). i ached to find an ash wednesday service i could attend between my volunteering and class. apparently lent's not a huge deal around these parts unless you're catholic.
finally i found an episcopal cathedral open to the public for prayer/contemplation, etc. i walked their labyrinth. i lit a candle to st. mary magdalene and prayed for the women in my life. i sat in the pew, gazed at the magnificence and read the ash wednesday liturgy to myself.
i walked away a little bit more grounded.
my family background is middle-ground-to-conservative protestant. i left the denomination i grew up in for a more liberal/open minded one (i.e. ordains women, acknowledges other religious truths, welcomes persons of ALL backgrounds- not just the ones they are comfortable with). i feel great affinity to judaism. i enjoy buddhism. i am madly in love with the moon and wish fervently for open acknowledgment of the goddess.
so i haven't been to church.
today--for those of you familiar with the Christian liturgical year-- is ash wednesday, the beginning of the lenten season. lent has always been special for me. it's quite honestly my favorite part of the church year ( some blame my upbringing and their penchant for embracing guilt/sorrow/misery/mourning). i ached to find an ash wednesday service i could attend between my volunteering and class. apparently lent's not a huge deal around these parts unless you're catholic.
finally i found an episcopal cathedral open to the public for prayer/contemplation, etc. i walked their labyrinth. i lit a candle to st. mary magdalene and prayed for the women in my life. i sat in the pew, gazed at the magnificence and read the ash wednesday liturgy to myself.
i walked away a little bit more grounded.
07 February 2010
open-ended letter to my professor....
dr. x,
understand that i mean no disrespect. you are terribly unmotivating, uninteresting and, in my personal opinion, not qualified to teach our class. perhaps my expectations are high. i mean, it;s not your fault that our previous professor was an incredibly bright, challenging, caring, harvard-educated man who drove us to succeed and inspired us to excel. it's not your fault that i assumed you would be on par with him. it's not your fault that i feel the field in which you specialize is a load of crock.
perhaps, if maybe this week's readings (which you want to have us prepared for wednesday's class) had been posted early enough that i could print them out and therefore underline/highlight them instead of it now being early sunday afternoon and--having no access to a printer-- i will have to rely on reading them on the internet and my paltry attempt at note-taking.
will this continue to be a regular thing? i hope not, because i rely on the IT room on campus to print things. 1) it's much cheaper than the library/ kinko's/ random copy centers per page. 2) it's convienient to print them out on wednesday/thursday before i go to my actual class so i can read them during--oh say my two hour round-trip commute. i can't **DO** that on my laptop because the city isn't wired with free wireless. and i don't have the money to go to cafes everyday to access the internet. and my apartment is out of the question because lord knows there are too many distractions!!!!!
so for the love of pete (whomever he may be) FUCKING POST THE READINGS ON TIME!!!!
then, you may just gain an ounce of respect from me.
sincerely,
embittered grad student
perhaps, if maybe this week's readings (which you want to have us prepared for wednesday's class) had been posted early enough that i could print them out and therefore underline/highlight them instead of it now being early sunday afternoon and--having no access to a printer-- i will have to rely on reading them on the internet and my paltry attempt at note-taking.
will this continue to be a regular thing? i hope not, because i rely on the IT room on campus to print things. 1) it's much cheaper than the library/ kinko's/ random copy centers per page. 2) it's convienient to print them out on wednesday/thursday before i go to my actual class so i can read them during--oh say my two hour round-trip commute. i can't **DO** that on my laptop because the city isn't wired with free wireless. and i don't have the money to go to cafes everyday to access the internet. and my apartment is out of the question because lord knows there are too many distractions!!!!!
so for the love of pete (whomever he may be) FUCKING POST THE READINGS ON TIME!!!!
then, you may just gain an ounce of respect from me.
sincerely,
embittered grad student
27 January 2010
second semester--HO!!!!
here i am, sitting on campus in the "lounge" area for my program a good hour-and-a-half early. why? i ask myself. is it because you have nothing else better to do? well, no, not exactly.
it's because i'm nervous.
there. i said it.
big fatty fat nervous. i don't know what to expect from this teacher or class. i *JUST* learned the professor's area of specialty is death and dying rituals...uh....greeeeeeeeeeeat.
maybe i should go to the crap-tastic cafe and pick up something to eat that's more substantial than the 2 biscuits (chreezy vegan biscuits), 2 sembei, blood orange and braeburn apple (both fruits from the farmer's market) or some horrendous coffee-like beverage (not that i haven't already consumed mass quantities of caffeine via 'terrorist' coffee, earl grey and have a thermos of hojicha for later in class....)
it's because i'm nervous.
there. i said it.
big fatty fat nervous. i don't know what to expect from this teacher or class. i *JUST* learned the professor's area of specialty is death and dying rituals...uh....greeeeeeeeeeeat.
maybe i should go to the crap-tastic cafe and pick up something to eat that's more substantial than the 2 biscuits (chreezy vegan biscuits), 2 sembei, blood orange and braeburn apple (both fruits from the farmer's market) or some horrendous coffee-like beverage (not that i haven't already consumed mass quantities of caffeine via 'terrorist' coffee, earl grey and have a thermos of hojicha for later in class....)
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