simply unpoetic

i want to write brilliantly. the kind of writing that just flows onto the pages, melodic and easy to read. that makes people want to keep reading. that inspires them to think. to respond.

i used to have it in me. now, i don't so much.

i follow other blogs that are way more entertaining/ witty/ verbose.

maybe i just don't have anything interesting to write about.

maybe, in my attempt to keep some sense of anonymity, i lose the power of what i could be saying?

maybe i need to shower and load up on B vitamins....

i never thought that being a student again could physically and mentally drain me as much as it does. i feel like a robo-zombie by the end of the day wednesday and then, thursday, its "start on homework day" so it can all be done for the following tuesday.

will i really have to wait until december for some quality "me time"???

group work migraines

sigh.

i usually love group work. i do. i enjoy the collaborative process- the uniting of different perspectives to reach the same ultimate outcome: a cohesive project. but right now, i just want to smash open my head with a hammer.

i have a lovely group. great people. smart. insightful. unfortunately, i am the only native english speaker- which doesn't usually make a huge difference. they are all excellent students (well, maybe not all, but i'm trying hard to not jump to rash, hastily drawn conclusions) but it's super super difficult for them to write formal responses in their 2nd language to passages they had to read (and usually decipher *from*) their 2nd language! and understandably so--if i had to write a paper in Japanese or French, it would sound like a mentally deficient Kindergarten-er had written it!!!

so how do i, who is rather competitive when it comes to class performance, juggle the fact that the other sections may not "live up to my standards"? and does the professor take into account the fact that, in a group, only one of the students is used to and comfortable with written papers and presentations in English? is it okay to ask the professor that? and how does one do it in a tactful manner??

OY VEY. i feel like shit 'complaining' about something that is so unchangeable and culture-ist (is that a term? it should be!!) of me. i'm going to go hang my head in shame now....

like charlie brown...

...an overwhelming wave of self-pity is slowly consuming my thoughts, as of late.

i want to be somewhere else- not stuck here for the remainder of my grad program. i read about where my friends are (either in life, or quite literally where they are in the world) both via blogs and the ubiquitous facebook and wish i was the one having the grand adventures. i realise that going back to school and pursuing further knowledge is an adventure in itself, but one that- at least for the time being- requires me to a) stay physically put, in close proximity to school and b) makes "responsible" decisions that are affected directly by the fact i have to remain put.

no taking long trips- can't afford them, can't miss class/work, who'd watch the kittens?

must have at least one source of income- to afford staples/ rent/ food/etc. which means no long trips

no "me time"- have to do homework, read class materials, spend time in transit to/from class

can't afford a car- so it takes forever to get anywhere, also prevents day trips of any kind

local friends are all busy- in school/work/etc. and right now, all have more income

GOOD GRIEF.

anyone have a football???

a short one

sometimes i wonder if maybe i'm "too old" to do this. even though i'm usually up quite late at night, on school nights, i'm already exhausted by the time i arrive at class (6 pm). when class is over at 10, i barely feel like i can walk, let alone talk/ think/ reason/ get myself home properly.

and when i do get home, the migraine that has blown itself out of proportion keeps me up half the night, medicated or no.

someone needs to rally for creating an 8 day week...g_d knows i could use a day of rest, too.

feeling smart and sassy

question of the week: is there such a thing as over-participation in class? i have so much to say and am geekily excited about everything i'm learning, at times it feels like i'm going to explode while waiting for my turn to speak in class. (that is, when other people actually speak up).

my point being, does there come a point when i am being TOO active? i don't babble on for ever, but it feels like i always have a response to what other students share or another point i want to raise or quotations to back things up....

i don't want to get the reputation of "oh there she goes again..." or of being a brown-noser, but i also want to make sure i'm not imposing upon myself restrictions and self-editing. that process is so detrimental to my psyche and really fucks with self-esteem, you know? i had waaaaay too much of self-editing for "politeness" sake when i lived in japan and it really did a number on me! never EVER again.

of a "certain age"

well huh. i guess this can be recorded here if for nothing else than posterity's sake. but, since it has happened within the context of my being a graduate student and life *surrounding* being a graduate student---> it works as part of this blog.

this past week, i have been put into two drastically different categories of age. neither one, terribly insulting but both troublesome. i have been thought to be a teenager. i have been thought to be a "mother" (and no, not a teenage-mom)

situation a: i volunteer part time. this past week, we had a new volunteer. we did the slightly awkward "tell me about yourself and why you decided to volunteer here" thing. i mention in passing i'm married (or made reference to my husband). she gets this blank, wide-eyed look- but i'm used to this. she then asks how long we've been married. 'oh, about 4 and a half years now.' the look turns to shock and she sputters out: "can i ask how old you are?" 28. relief passes over her and in a very kind, and flattering tone she quips: 'you look like you're still in high school!"

high school

situations b& c: (a 2 part-er)

part b:quick, necessary background info- spousal unit and i have missed like 2 months of church due to busy-ness/oversleeping and laziness. we're finally back this week. older lady says to spouse: "oh i see you're back finally. did you have your baby?" gah-what now?!?! there were a few times i had older women ask me if i was pregnant (which i don't get, beyond the fact i own an abundance of 'peasant' style tops) but WTF?!?!

part c: i'm sitting on the bus, on my way to class and my ridiculously heavy backpack is in the seat next to me. I get up to leave the bus, and when putting my backpack on, the woman seated across from me asks: "Is that your daughter's backpack?" HUH?! first of all, why would you even assume it belongs to a daughter and not me, who's getting off at the stop in front of a college??!! second, i look old enough to have a kid in school????

i just don't get it...

ack! laziness onset already???

i don't WANT to be lazy and "take it easy", but here i am, with 3 readings left to do and no desire to start them. they may be incredibly interesting (the first 2 weren't) but what has me the most hung up on right now is i don't have a "hard"(a.k.a. physical) copy of them--2 are adobe pdf files and the other copy/pasted from the internet into open office.

i have no home printer right now, so that rules that out, and considering class is once a week (wednesday nights) and the professor doesn't post the readings before class, i can't print them out easily while on campus. ::sigh:: part of me is even torn that i *HAVE* to print them out- i hate the waste of paper! sure it makes underlining and highlighting easier but what would make my world, would be the ability to go into the documents, highlight/circle/star/underline the important parts, and then go print off the final product.

i have tried having both adobe open and open office so i can type parts i find relevant and quotes (which is what we have to prepare for class: find the main points of each reading and back it up with quotes that support or even disprove the points--to be used to help facilitate in class discussion). that way, i could cut/paste the quotes from the adobe INTO my prep-work and would find summarizing/paraphrasing less taxing--i'm so hung up on the not-being-able-to-move/remove-anything-from-adobe right now. yes, a faulty quirk, i know.

why am i having such a tough time making myself just DO THE READINGS already? why is digital medium for reading texts so obnoxious? and why am i having such difficulty finding relevance this week compared to last week?????

ACK!!!!!!!

any helpful hints, post-grads???