looking back

i survived the semester! i wrote the paper. i even turned it in on time. and, i am fairly certain i did well. while the main lecture class wasn't nearly as comprehensive as i would have liked, i suppose that just points that i'm more interested in the topics than i would previously have cared to admit. right?

perhaps i will post my paper here, but it's very long. maybe in stages???

now, i have a summer ahead of me to read, relax and enjoy hanging out with classmates outside of the academic sphere. lovely.

on a completely random note, i get comments sometimes from people i don't know. that's fine. what *ISN'T* cool, is that they usually include links to g_d-only-knows-where. i'm working on a way to edit them out/ catch them ahead of time, but since i don't update as frequently as i'd like, i set the comment moderator to not publish anything after 2 days unless i approve. still, some creep through. :::sigh:::

any advice on how to catch this without having to constantly moniter comments, and go in and delete them???

until next time....

massive amounts of expletives

i would type the word FUCK a hundred, thousand, million times if i thought it would help me write this damn paper. alas, even that many expletives would not get it accomplished. shit fuck damn ass twat cunt.

grateful for mom...

...even when she makes me wanted to tear my hair out.

i have been battling a GIANT case of the blues. or apathy. or malaise. not quite sure. so even though i talked to her yesterday, i called up my mom. less because of the whole moms-give-great-encouragement-thing and more of the she just finished grad. school herself a year ago thing.

i know by now i should be writing my paper. i've done the research, i've made the outline and i even *successfully* presented on it! (yea me!) but it's the actual doing it that i'm now struggling with. originally i told myself that i would begin today--> start with something easy. straightforward. like, the bibliography. you know, no real thought required. and yet...

here it is, quarter after six p.m. and my emotional state has been crashed with a giant wrecking ball. i have no drive. no desire. even though i know tomorrow i will have no time, and wednesday is class and thursday i have a doctor's appointment and friday-next tuesday i work...and the busy cycle begins again. i STILL can't make myself sit down and f*cking do the easy part.

so i called mom. and vented. for an hour and a half. about school and work and not having enough money and worrying if i'm doing the right thing by being in school and what am i going to do with this degree anyways and crap! it's 5:30 and i've only eaten a croissant today and why do i feel like i'm stuck in molasses and why don't i have any direction or drive and how come i can't sleep through the night even once on and on and on...

and she listens. to all my worrying. and tells me to eat. even if it's crap or just a bowl of cereal. and she makes me want to cry because she makes it sound so easy, like, why can't i just buck up and take care of myself and my own damned problems? and i resolve to do something...even if it's just look through my research and organize it...but then i get off the phone and am sooooooo wiped. drained. and all i can do is write about what i just went through and manage, yet again, to put off the inevitable.

WHY CAN'T I PULL MY ACT TOGETHER?!?!

why do i even bother?

the end is sight ---> almost.

breathe.

just breathe.

tonight, i give my presentation on my final research paper. it's worth something ridiculous, like 20-25% of my grade. for a ten minute presentation.

i'm nervous.

why is it i always clam up in front of my peers, when (originally) i wanted to be an actor? and loved the stage???
is it because i feel under closer scrutiny? am i trying to hard to "prove" myself? and if so, to whom? to myself? my family? the universe?

sometimes i feel i would have been better off leaving well enough alone and pursuing acting. or just staying put with a bachelor's degree. razzle-frazzle-dazzle!!!!!! i just need to keep a calm head about this. it's nothing. i'm going to talk for 10 measly minutes about something i've been researching the hell out of. i'll be fine.

just breathe.

breathe.

place an "x" on the life-line

an acquaintance of mine urged me to do the following exercise, as i have been struggling with what-to-do-once-i-graduate. i was told to make 2 lists of at least 5 options: "jobs i would enjoy domestically" (and was told to disregard any reality issues) and "jobs i would enjoy internationally". i was told not to do any "rational editing" or self-criticism.

remarkably, there are quite a few similarities. so here they are. (feel free to make suggestions of things i've missed that i'd be good at.)

domestic jobs
- teach: either at the university level, or in a non-traditional classroom setting (i.e. a school for the arts, an immersion school, a alternative school, etc.)
-work for Dark Horse Comics--don't care in what capacity per se
- a non-profit job: girl's inc, SPICE, women's global fund, etc.
- actor in a sci-fi/fantasy TV series
- fashion importer: specifically asian and 'street fashion'
- own/run a cafe
- fiction writier

jobs abroad
- teach (yet again): in International schools, english in a foreign country, JET, etc.
- travel writer, because i've never had a helpful travel guide
- run/own a cafe (again)
- something with street fashion/ magazines
- be the token foreigner on a TV show
- WOOF- world organization of organic farms, at least, i'm fairly certain that's what it stands for

any suggestions???

-

the universe is sending me messages (perhaps)

a week from this wednesday, i must give a ten minute presentation on my final paper. the final paper for which i am now on my FOURTH topic. not because i'm indecisive...no no. because, apparently, the universe is trying to tell me that i'm doomed/cursed/meant(?) to be a professional academic!!!

i have gone through 4 topics because: the first topic (kannon vs kwan yin) was waaaaay too extensive for a 20 page paper. the second topic (shinto myth--specifically kitsune-- as perpetuater of japanese mysogyny) NO ONE had written on. the 3rd topic (generic shinto influence on japanese feminism) *still* had nothing written on it. really. and now, i'm *TRYING* to write on (what i mistakenly assumed would have a wealth of information) how the influx of confucian ideology resulted in the removal of women from acting in traditional japanese theatre AND the repercussions there of, with a bit of gender construction thrown in for good measure.

nothing. nada. zip. plenty on onnagata (female-performing men) and kabuki. yes, kabuki is a traditional theatre form BUT it developed at after the confucian ideals were in place. plenty on Noh--the form that existed pre-confucian influence, but women, if mentioned, are a side note (which, is my point, but doesn't aid in research). plenty on women in theatre AFTER the meiji restoration-but only in western or western influenced productions (again, proof by omission, of sorts).

ARGH! damn damn and double damn!!!

forgetabily forgoing food (and other quandries)

anyone who knew me during my undergraduate reign, knows i am AWFUL at taking care of myself--particularly in the food department. i enjoy cooking (for the most part) but *hate* eating leftovers. and have never been good at making meals for one. sure there's the "sandwich concept" but i prefer hot food to cold. so, i ate a LOT of ramen, microwavable meals, mac and cheese, boca burgers, pickles, cereal, dried fruit, etc.

now that i KNOW better, i have an even harder time of making sure i am fed. and well-fed. and balanced food at that. oh yeah, and local and organic. :::sigh::: i have tons of amazing farmer's market finds in my fridge, but do i really want to take the time/effort to make something and then deal with the mess???? NOOOOoooo. so do i end up buying lunch on the run and crap at the cafeteria during my class break? yep.

i know it sounds petulant and spoiled of me, but i really need someone to make me eat well. if that includes making it for me, well, so be it. if i had the money, a personal chef would be great!!!

in other news---i have yet to even OPEN the pdf file of the assigned reading for tonight's class. i guess it is hard to give a shit when (on the syllabus) there were 3 additional readings listed, but only one managed to make it to blackboard. and i really feel like i need a night off. hell, a month off would be great.

sometimes i truly wonder if going back to school was such a great idea after all. it's thrown everything else out of whack AND, at least this semester, i have little to no motivation to do anything. and am spending over $10,000 to not give a shit. ARGH.