in short

i don't wanna go. i hate this class i hate this class i hate this class.

more later. must read.

"dirty little secret"

since yesterday, i have been seriously contemplating e-mailing my professor and telling him i am sick and will be missing class. and this is the class i feel less disappointed in/upset about. even right now, at approx. 1 p.m. i still really really want to, but don't know how i would explain to my spousal unit why i'm still at home. ditching class? really? me???

i haven't wanted to do that since undergrad. and it's not even as if i didn't fully prepare for class or need to skip out due to a test. i read everything. i even enjoyed it. i just don't want to go. don't want to spend over an hour via public transit to get there, sit for 3.5 hours, spend another hour in getting home, all to eat dinner ridiculously late and spend an hour before sleeping with my bugga. (i want more time with him, dammit. not less)

i should be reading stuff for thursday but i can't seem to motivate myself. i'd rather read the book i bought yesterday or spend time on the internet. i really *LIKED* thursday's class until the prof. announced that by not participating verbally, one gets DOWNGRADED. so now classtime gets wasted on everyone trying to make sure they speak, and nothing of value gets accomplished!!!!

i'm so miffed i could spit nails!

and as if i didn't need other external issues pissing me off and making me question why i'm even in school, there was this little article i stumbled across: http://jezebel.com/5637642/women-get-more-phds-than-men-academia-possibly-to-discover-gender-balance the title sounds promising right? more women getting PhD's. until it goes into how that's actually a disadvantage to women because the fields they are getting PhD's in are now seen as "feminized" and "less important" than the traditionally "masculine" fields (math, science, etc.)

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

huh.

i don't know exactly what it is, but even though i'm fully aware of how inspiring/competent my profs are and how interesting this semester is going to be...i'm still left feeling like i just don't give a damn. i hate that feeling. it's what caused me to be a lack-luster student in high school (nixing my chance of decent scholarships for college) and was the source for my just-getting-by in core classes in undergrad (including my 3 attempts at intro to philosophy).  in class, i feel moderately challenged, but only because i don't get why some of my classmates struggle with putting things together/ seeing the bigger picture. i'm not trying to say i don't learn from the professors, i *DO*. but it's kinda retroactive--if that makes any sense at all.

it's like, if i got the lectures BEFORE i did the readings, i'd get so much more out of them. instead, i do do the readings and finally it "makes sense"- i.e. what to gain from the readings. it seems rather inefficient to me to have things done that way, but whatever. class discussions would be much more focused and achieve more (i think) with the knowledge dealt pre-reading, but perhaps that's just how my brain works.

also, i'm still not sure over all WHAT is supposed to be gained/ be the goal of this degree. i mean, besides the obvious of having an M.A. what do i do with it? where do i go next, you know? do i really want to do more school? really, what's the point if it's just me, pulling bullshit out of thin air (which i feel it is 95% of the time) and making it sound good? why should i be paying upwards of $20K a year for guided reading?

i don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but i just want to feel like i'm a) actually learning something cohesive b) participating in intellectual discourse c) given more concrete guidelines of what to expect from this program d) given guidance from staff as to what next.

is that really so much to ask????

back-to-school BLAHS ???

with only a week now under my belt, this second year of grad school has me feeling totally, well, BLAH. not sure if it's because i'm having a hard time getting back into the groove of things, or because i feel so physically/mentally lethargic or what. i'm even having a harder than usual time of feeding myself! case in point-- it's approx. noon-thirty as i type this and i finally got around to making my fav. snack (toast with marmite, smoked cheddar and a fried egg). while it's packed full of vitamins and protein and stuff, it's the only thing i've eaten today. i'm going to take some grapes and leftover (yes! leftover!!! shocking, i know) spaghetti to class tonight, but should probably eat something else in there. somewhere.

i feel like i can't get anything done. okay, so maybe i did finish my 150-ish pages of early-late tang dynasty poetry/prose but now i can't be bothered to start the readings for my thursday class. i'm too comfortable at home, but if i were to go anywhere, i'd have to lug everything i needed for the rest of the day along with.and my anthology of chinese literature pre-1911 book is wicked heavy! UGH.

i just feel so >meh< about everything. nothing motivates me. nothing excites me. this does not bode well for the semester....

i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

tonight is the first class of my 2 year of grad school. this semester will be a literature based class and a pop-culture related class. sounds interesting i know, but i'm trying not to get my hopes up yet. (just in case i end up with a disaster professor)

in other news...it's FRAKIN' hot today!!!! and the school is not air conditioned because, it never usually gets this hot. good thing i brought along mugicha and a cold salad.

summer update

so, i have read my way through most of the list below, minus books unavailable at my local libraries or that have ridiculous amounts of holds placed on them (like "queen victoria: demon hunter").

i've also watched a TON of the defunct tv show veronica mars. it was enjoyable for awhile, but the realm of ridiculousity has gone too far for me to truly enjoy it.

being very lazy, sleeping in almost daily, drinking lots of yummy micro-brews and avoiding anything vaguely academic....

all in all, a good if not super lazy summer.

so begins my summer reading list

by rosie rushton:
- love, lies and lizzie
- secret schemes, daring dreams

by amanda grange:
-mr darcy, vampyre
-mr knightley's diary

random:
-queen victoria: demon hunter
-mansfield park and mummies

by george mann:
-the affinity bridge

by stephan hunt:
-the court of the air
-the kingdom beyond the waves
-the rise of the iron moon

by laura joh rowland:
- the cloud pavillion
-bedlam: the further secret adventures of charlotte bronte

by natsuo kirino:
-real world
-grotesque

by jules verne:
-journey to the center of the earth
-around the world in 80 days

any other suggestions???